


Control

by SmackTheDevil



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Drug-Induced Sex, Explicit Language, Gay Sex, Genderfluid, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Public Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Rimming, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 11:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 42,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8623552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil
Summary: It was the summer of ‘97. The Spice Girls reigned supreme spreading ‘girl power’ around the world.For Jared Padalecki, 1997 was about to change his world too.After meeting his best friend’s wayward older brother, Jensen Ackles, he gets swept up in a drug-fueled romance. If you could call it that.Jensen is a little controlling but Jared thinks he’s dreamy and loses  his way a little. Their late summer fling ends abruptly when Jared’s father finds out about them and blackmail forces them apart.However, 18 years later, Jared and Jensen are reunited by chance and realize that after all their time apart, their connection is still as strong as ever.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Jared Padalecki would have risen through the ranks higher than he had already if the ambition his father possessed had even in the slightest bit rubbed off on him. He was ambitious to a degree but he was naturally cautious and took his time over life decisions. He was still in the police, maybe not as high up as Daddy would want but homicide detective was just enough to keep him sweet. And he was a good detective. He got results and was respected by his peers. He had put himself through a lot of school to get where he was. As far as he was concerned, he was achieving and for him that was enough. His Mother, on the flip-side was proud of him whatever he did. Her little Prince. It grated. He desperately wanted some middle ground but his Mom and Dad were at opposite ends of the parental spectrum.

He was the never-good-enough Golden Boy.

What he got out from being in the police was discipline. It was a way to keep himself policed. He needed the rules and was a by-the-book cop. Never once was he ever tempted into any sort of corruption. He was by definition his police departments good cop. And needed to be that. Because that hadn't always been him.

Many of his colleagues enjoyed private lives which contrasted dramatically with their work. In a world formed around a carousel of dead bodies and some seriously sick fucks, they were family men with wives and children who spent time off in a far-moved world. Saturdays at Little League. Fourth of July picnics and cabin vacations.  
Jared's private life continued the theme of discipline. His apartment was plush. Minimal and obsessively tidy. Overlooking the city, chosen specifically so he could do just that. Watch Austin. It was his job, after all. But Jared had a secret, a single vice which he held closely to his chest. It belonged to him, and no one else. His Mother hated his working in Austin. He felt he needed to escape. Too much had happened in San Antonio. He removed himself from the doting eyes of his mother and the relentless pressure set upon him by his father. The APD was just fine for him. He wasn't concerned about feeling at home anywhere, just as long as there was control. 

Summer 1997

Jared was 15. Just. A dream of a student. Mathlete. Popular, sort of. He spoke to people and that was about it. Friendly, always but not one of nature's social butterflies. He did have an absolute best friend. Karen. She was his lifeline. His everything. And he was hers. Platonic of course because Karen was the first person he confided in when he first figured out he might be gay. Jared being Jared didn't rush into a 'I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it' announcement. But he had felt it from a very tender age. So tender that it wasn't a feeling that registered with him until he was at least 12. And even then he didn't really understand why he felt nice feelings in his dick when the Diet Coke Break commercial came on TV. So it wasn't until he had just turned 15 when one day he was idly flicking through some teen magazine with Karen and casually mentioned that he wouldn't mind kissing David Charvet.  
Karen was half happy and half disappointed because Jared was so gorgeous and intelligent and tall. And possibly the dreamiest boyfriend a girl could want. But she said, 'Okay, I love you anyways.' And that was it.  
It was a catalyst which shifted their relationship in the best way. Jared’s coming out to her, switched something on him. He was suddenly beautifully camp with her and Karen got a major kick out of it. They would spend hours in her room listening and dancing to The Spice Girls. He would allow her put make up on him not because he particularly liked it but because he was so pretty he made the perfect model for Karen practice on. Oftentimes he looked prettier than her when they stood hand in hand in front of her tall mirror admiring her handiwork. 

“You're getting too tall.” Karen commented one day. He was and threatening taller.

It was August. Hot in San Antonio. No change there. Jared hadn't heard from Karen for a few days. He had called her house repeatedly and no one had picked up. Not even her mom. By the time Saturday rolled around he was starting to worry. Even his own mother had been concerned about her absence as normally they were joined at the hip and had been all summer.  
He laid his bike down on the front lawn of Karen's house. There was no car on the drive which was odd as it hadn't moved from the spot in several months. Jared didn't understand cars but it was broken and something needed fixing. He walked up to the front door, knocked, then walked around to the window and peered in, there was no movement inside and the house looked empty. Of everything. No drapes, no furniture. Nothing. Everything had gone.

A week later Jared was woken early by his mother. The phone had been ringing on and off for half an hour. His mom had been working herself out of a medication induced sleep and thought for a time she had been dreaming. The call was for him and the caller was Karen.

Jared sat on the living room floor rubbing his eyes, sleep working its way into the corners.

“Hey? Karen? What the hell?”

“Jared. I'm so sorry.” She was audibly upset. Voice shaking with every word which spilled from her mouth. Which was a lot and she gabbled. “I'm so sorry. I know..I know it's early but I. It's my brother, well and my dad really. They're back. I mean dad was in prison. And now my brother.” She broke down. Jared thought it would be better face to face. All of this was news to him. She thought her father was dead and he had no idea about any brother. It had always been Karen, her mom and her little sister.

“Karen. Please. Where are you? I want to come and see you.”

“You can't. Not yet. I just needed to tell you I'm okay. I know you've probably been worrying. I can't say much. But I promise you, I will call you again.” And then the receiver clicked and all Jared was left with was the dial tone.

“Is she alright?” Jared’s mom had been stood quietly in the doorway.

“I don't know. I really don't know.”

August was drawing to a close and school was soon to start after the long summer break. Jared had spent the last week running to the phone and jumping over furniture to get there before anyone else. It was never Karen. It was only ever cold-callers or his aunt or his mom’s stupid friends. Never Karen.  
Sunday evening he was doing his obligatory spending time with the folks routine. He didn't really ever want to do it but it was something he himself had concocted to keep them both sweet. Telling his dad all about the plans he had for the next year, the next 5 years and the next rest of his life. And his mom would sit there with heart eyes. 'Aren't I perfect mother?'  
It was nearing 10 pm. Past the time of the unspoken rule of turning up unannounced at someones door. But someone did and Jared knew it was Karen.

He opened the door. She looked fine and was a sight for sore eyes. She couldn't come in. Someone was waiting for her in a black car. Music blaring. Engine growling but running smoothly.

“Tell me everything.” And she did.

When she was three, her parents separated. She hadn't known why, just thought it was usual marital problems as she got older. Her dad left, she barely remembers him, it turned out he was a violent man with a checkered and questionable past. A grade A felon who had tried his hand at anything and everything and excelled. He had been on the run for a long while evading the cops and even outsmarting the Feds, time and time again.  
The last time Jared and Karen had been together, her father had turned up bleeding and half-dead at her door the day after. Now he needed her help. Of course the police were called before they even contemplated calling an ambulance. A wanted man now caught. And a man who would be going to prison for probably the rest of his natural life.  
With closure brought more stress. Namely dubious associates who wanted money or just to get even and that is why the family had gone. They were moved overnight to a safe house and their home was cleared the next day. 

“I'm glad you're okay. I've really missed you.” Jared leaned against the door frame and stepped out onto the porch. 

“I've missed you too. I strictly shouldn't be here but I just haven't stopped thinking about you.” She smiled and slid her arms around his waist and gave him the sweetest hug. Warmth exuded from it, something Jared was unaccustomed to. His mom and dad offered stifling hugs and hand shakes respectively.

“Come and see me again soon?” Jared was half enjoying the tail-end of the hug and half watching the guy in the black car. “Who’s that?”

Karen pulled away, looking up shyly.

“He's my brother.”

“Your?” Jared frowned. “You don't have a brother.”

“I do. And it's another story for another day. Want to meet him?”

“Sure.” Jared shrugged, and sort of hopped down the steps in his bare feet and gray sweats, avoiding the odd pebble and ducking the lawn sprinkler his mom had forgotten to switch off.

The car was vibrating under the power of the engine and bass of the R&B music reverberating inside it. The guy inside looked like just the kind of douche bag Jared avoided at lunchtime at school. The kind of guy who would steal your lunch money, your girlfriend and ask you to do his homework all in one day.  
But he was gorgeous. Dirty blonde hair and dangerous green eyes. Jared hadn't ever seen that hair and eyes combination before.

“This is Jensen. My brother.” Karen's words fell lazily from her mouth. Like she was that interested in the dick.

“Hey!” Jared was cheery and weirdly, an instant 'flirt' switch was flicked on inside his mind. He didn't know he was flirting of course. He had never knowingly done it before. “I'm Jared.”

“Yeah. I know.” He smirked, his hands tapping on the steering wheel. “You coming out?”

Jared's eyes darted from Jensen to Karen and then back again.

“No, he's not. Why would he want to hang out with you, you're a dick.” Karen smiled at her friend. “I'll see you at the weekend and we can talk about him.”

“I'm right here and I can hear you.” 

“Shut up. Dick!”

Jared frowned, mouthing slowly at Karen. 'You okay?'

“I'll see you.” She nodded, reached up and kissed Jared on the cheek. 

“Bye bye, Jay.” Jensen smirked, chewing the inside of his mouth. He was watching him so carefully. Eyes all over the place. He had never been made to feel so uncomfortable in his life but at the same time, didn’t want it to stop.

“It's Jared.”

“Okay. Whatever dude.” Jensen smirked and pulled away in his ridiculous car.

Jared lived in a pretty nice neighborhood. Middle-class, but respectable and the presence of the douche bag in his muscle car had caused a few neighbors to watch from their windows. This amused Jared, he never attracted any kind of attention but suddenly kind of liked it.

He waved them off and skipped back inside, avoiding the sprinkler with expertise.

“You left the sprinkler on again, mom!” He yelled as he climbed the stairs to his room, three at a time. 

He laid on his bed, eyes to the ceiling. 

“Jensen Ackles.” He hummed to himself, grinning from ear to ear. He knew something had happened between them. Although he decided after some time pondering that perhaps it didn't and that he was just being a giddy teen going crazy over an older boy. But, the way he had looked at him. He rolled over and squeaked into his pillow. He didn't want to acknowledge the interest in his pants.

 

I JUST WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU – ETTA JAMES

I don't want you to be no slave  
I don't want you to work all day  
But I want you to be true  
And I just wanna make love to you  



	2. Chapter 2

 

“Why didn't you tell me you had a brother?” Jared was laying on his bed, shoulder to shoulder with Karen throwing mini marshmallows into the air. They went everywhere but their mouths.

“You saw him, Jared. He's an ass. He's my half brother really. Same dad. He sort of turned up when my dad came back. He's not as bad as him but he could be.”

“He's good looking.”

“Yes, I know but Jared, don't even go there.” 

Jared turned onto his side, marshmallows rolling under his body. He collected them up with his long fingers and threw them into his mouth from a short, easy distance he could manage.

“Are you saying I could go there? I mean, is he gay?

“He's anything. Trust me, he's probably got every venereal disease going.”

“Ew, seriously?”

“No but I'll say anything to stop you from going there! He's bad news Jared and plus he's older than you. He'll be 21 next March.”

“So?” Apart from the instant flirting switch which was flicked on with abandon the moment his eyes met Jensen’s, he had also found himself strongly attracted to the danger. The more negative Karen was about him, the more Jared wanted to see him again. She had no clue what she was inadvertently doing. She was drip feeding her best friend Jensen juice and he was drinking up every last drop.

“We'll find you a nice boy. A nice dull Mathlete you can do equations under the stars with.”

Jared laughed, twisting an elbow into her ribs. 

“Listen. I'm staying with him while mom gets the new place ready. It's a wonder we're able to stay in Austin at all. I thought they would move us out of the state completely. But anyway. His place is a dump. But you could come after school one night. And then you'll see, you will never ever want that douche in your life.” 

The start of school brought with it the regular shit Jared always had to deal with. Lectures from his father about how this is the most important year of his school life. Something Jared was sure he even said to him on his first day of Kindergarten. He always did his best. He was constantly top of the class and rarely faltered but Daddy Padalecki could never see it. It made school, which he genuinely enjoyed, feel like a sentence and for once in his life he was looking to apply for parole.

“Oh God. What the hell?”

Jared frowned as Karen elbowed past him as they walked from the school grounds. Jensen was parked on the sidewalk right outside. Ass end bumper hanging over the verge. The R&B music was louder than it had been when he was parked outside Jareds' house.

“What are you doing?” Karen yelled, leaning into the drivers window.

“I'm giving you a ride home, like a dutiful brother should.” Jensen's neck craned around his sisters body. “Well hello, Jay. You want a ride too?”

“No, he doesn't.” A slap. And Jensen flinched. 

“Let the kid answer for himself and get in the damn car.” Karen huffed as she walked around the hood of the car. “Well?” Jensen leaned out of his open window a little.

“Okay, thanks.” The flirting switch was off. Jared had recoiled back into shy mode. He'd had so many dirty thoughts about Jensen since he first saw him that he thought perhaps that piercing gaze might penetrate his mind and find them.

He folded himself up and sat in the back, right in the center of the seat. Eye-line perfectly locked into the rear view mirror. Jensen glanced up at him. 

“You okay in the back there, Jay?”

“His name is Jared.” Karen snapped

“You don't mind if I call you Jay, do you?” Jensen watched him carefully in the reflection. Just his insane green eyes and a sprinkling of cute freckles.

“No. No, it's fine.” No one ever in his life called him Jay. They had tried but he had always shot them down. But now, suddenly he just didn't care.

“Jared. You never let me call you that.”

Jensen laughed, a deep gravelly laugh that denoted a win.

“Tell your girlfriend to shut up, Jay.” Jensen pulled away, almost hitting another car in the process but avoiding it so skillfully it was as if he had planned it with the other driver just to prove to Jared just how effortlessly cool he was.

“I'm not..I mean we're just friends, Jensen, shut up.”

Jared found the conversation between the half-siblings quite funny. There wasn't malice in it, there was a sort of affection under the surface. He wasn't sure but he thought they must think something of one another. He felt sad oftentimes that he didn't have a sibling to share things with. 

“You got a chick?” 

'Chick' Jared thought. Oh my God, who says chick? He couldn't speak, didn't want to. He shook his head.

“Don't say much do you, Jay?” Jensens' eyes were part on the road and mostly on Jared.

“Leave him alone, for God sake. He doesn't want to talk to you. You're boring.”

“I think we should let Jay boy here, find out for himself.” Jensen smirked and have Jared a sly wink.

Jared had never been so mute in his life. He felt himself sinking further and further down in the seat. His knees were almost level with his chin by the time Jensen pulled into a gated parking lot. His apartment next to it, above some old family run bakery. 

“The good thing is, the smell of bread at 3 am.” Karen remarked as Jared untangled his long limbs and climbed out from the car.

 

The friends followed Jensen and it was the first time Jared had seen him not sitting down and it was at that point he knew he was truly done, one hundred percent done. Jensen had a sort of self assured swagger and narrow bow-legs that to Jared looked like an invitation. And his ass, that was perfection. Jared pulled his sweater over his groin.

Karen wasn't wrong. The apartment was a complete dump. Bare walls and random furniture. It was clean but it was mostly messy and smelled of Axe body spray and something else which Jared couldn't put his finger on. He slid around the walls, clutching his backpack close to him and followed Karen into the kitchen.

“I can't be long. My mom doesn't know where I am.” He whispered.

“It's okay. I'll get some drinks and I'll get Jensen to take you home.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Jensen yelled from the next room.

“How can he hear that?” Jared almost mouthed the question at his friend. She just shrugged and handed Jared a Coke. He was on another planet entirely, watching Jensen through the hatch from the kitchen to the living room.

“I know what you want.” Karen said quietly.

“You do?” Slightly alarmed.

“PlayStation?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That. Yeah.” He was stumbling over his words and hated himself for it. He knew he was only 15 but his stammering just because there was pretty boy in the vicinity was shameful. And brand new. He'd never had a real life crush before and didn't want one again if this is what happened.

“Well go on then. Go ask him. He'll play with you.”

Jared just looked at his friend, a weak 'what are you doing to me?' smile playing out on his lips. She was hellbent on not allowing Jared anywhere near her brother the other week and now she was practically throwing him in his direction.  
She probably thought her warnings had been enough and that any initial attraction had vanished. She was so wrong if she thought that. But here he was, the horny Christian being thrown into the path of the sexiest lion he had ever seen. Thanks, friend. And then she made it even worse. 

“Jensen! Jared wants to play with you!” She called out.

“Oh does he now? He'd better come out here then.” Jensen called back. Jared saw him smirk.

“I don't think-” 

Karen relieved him of his backpack and levered him out into the living room. He stood there clutching his Coke like a terrified waxwork.  
Jensen held up a controller toward Jared.

“Tekken 3. Sit your ass down and let's play.”

Jared folded himself. He did that a lot and slipped cautiously onto the couch next to Jensen taking the controller from his hand. He set his Coke on the floor next to his feet.

Player two had entered the game.

Karen had gotten bored after the first hour of playing 'ignored Tekken spectator' and decided to retire to her room.

“Y'all have fun.” 

Nothing, so she skulked off to her bedroom and left them to it.

Jared had finally let his guard down. They were behaving just like friends. Focused on virtually kicking one anothers asses. Thoughts of wanting to jump on his host drifted away.

“I love this game. I like driving games too. Good at those.” Jared was just button mashing but still getting results.

“Yeah?”

Jared nodded.

“Yeah. Your car. It's cool.”

“It was my dad's.” Jensen stood up in defeat, dropping his controller as Jared had just kicked his virtual ass four times in a row. “Dude. Let a brother win.” He laughed and flopped back onto the couch. “You're good, even though you ain't got a fucking clue what you're doing.”

“Dumb luck.” Jared threw his controller on the floor and smiled at Jensen. “It's a Chevy yeah?”

“Hmm?” So distracted. “The car? Yeah, '67 Impala. She's my baby.”

“Sweet ride.” Jared nodded. His gaze fell upon his watch. “Shit. Shit! It's almost 10. Shit. My folks are going to go nuts.”

“Hey, relax. I'll take you home. I don't mind.”

“Thanks.” Jared made his way back through the kitchen and collected his backpack. He paused and wondered if perhaps he could look in on Karen and say goodnight, but decided against it. Too late and he really needed to get home.

Jared sat in the passenger seat of the Impala. He was feeling panic stricken. He had never done anything so reckless in his life. Compared to some kids his age it was pretty harmless but then not many kids had a father like his.

“How late are you?”

“Oh God, like hours.”

“Would it make much of a difference if you added another hour to that?” Jensen blinked through smoke as he lit a cigarette.

Jensen was doing it again. Those damn eyes. They bored into Jared, like Jensen was some stage hypnotist. Jared felt himself say 'No, it wouldn't.'

They drove. Oh man Jensen could drive. It was like he was breathing. It was easy and smooth and there was zero thought put behind the way he maneuvered the car through the evening traffic. And then the feelings came washing back. They had fallen into a sort of friend zone for a few hours. Now there was a tension and Jared hated it.  
It was 11 pm. Jared could see his mom at the window.

“Go back. Go back.” Jared was pawing at Jensen's jacket. “Reverse.”

“Why?” 

“My mom is looking out of the window. So embarrassing.”

Jensen reversed a little way down the road and stopped the car.

“You gonna come and see me again?” It was weird now. The car silent and it was literally just them.

“Yeah, sure.” Jared nodded then jumped out of his skin as Jensen's hand found its way on Jared's slender thigh. He had no idea what to do so he just got out of the car and walked away without saying a single word. 

His mom had moved from the window to the hallway as Jared let himself in.

“Where have you been? I thought you were missing.” She leaned in and sniffed over his sweater. “You smell of cigarettes.”

“Just with friends who happen to smoke. I'm fine now. I'm home.”

“I was worried sick.” She said, pulling his backpack from his body and stroking over his shoulders.

“I'm sorry. I was just having fun. Where's dad? Does he know?”

“No. He's at work. I didn't want to trouble him.”

“Oh awesome. So I 'go missing' for a few hours and you don't bother telling him.” New attitude. “Get a B in Math and it's like World War fucking Three.” Very new attitude. 

“Jared Tristan Padalecki. How dare you use language like that!” He actually didn't care but he did shoot his mom a vague apologetic look. “I'm going to bed. Don't tell dad, better for the both of us if you don't.” 

 

I WANT YOU – SAVAGE GARDEN

Come stand a little bit closer  
Breathe in and get a bit higher  
You'll never know what hit you  
When I get to you


	3. Chapter 3

 

Jared was taking the stairs three at a time as his heard his mom’s petite foot steps follow behind him.

“I said I'm going to bed, mother.” 

“Jared, please. At least let me wash your clothes. If your father smells them, it won't be a happy time for either of us.”

Jared stopped once he had reached his bedroom door. He had no idea where this sudden pissy attitude of his had come from but he thought perhaps it was just a natural breaking point. He had put up with so much from both of them that sometimes he felt like he was the parent.

“Fine. You want my clothes? Have them!” And that was when he stripped down to his underwear, leaving his smokey clothes in a tangled pile at his mother's feet. “There you go. We'll talk in the morning.” He smiled weakly, another sort of apology. He closed his door behind him, his mom adding that he should 'shower too because cigarette smoke clings-' “Like a needy mother clings to her son.” He mumbled and then threw himself onto his bed.

There was a good chance that Jared and his father would pass one another like ships in the night the next morning. He couldn't face him. His mom for all of her faults would protect her son to her last breath. Even from her own husband. Because Mr Padalecki senior was one massive dick. Even if he was the San Antonio Police Chief.

The entire Padalecki family are in the police. All of them. Mostly the men, which oddly, is the most prominent sex in the family. No one brought women into the family unless they married one.  
There hadn't been a girl born in their family for 50 years. Jared always found it slightly creepy and thought that if ever he found out that his family were heavily involved in gender selection he wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised.

They weren't and it was something special to have so many men in one family. A local newspaper did a story on it once. Jared’s one and only claim to fame. That he was one of a long line of assholes. It was the police thing too. Or as his father and his six brothers called it 'The PPD.' It was really embarrassing and lame. The Padalecki Police Department got together on holidays and slapped one anothers backs congratulating one another on their penises and police badges. Even his nine male cousins work for the police. All except for his 10th cousin Johnny who no one speaks to because he has a horribly well paid CEO job in Silicone Valley. 

Jared is the last of the younger Padalecki's and he's expected to follow in the footsteps everyone else. Luckily it is something he's interested in. He has hopes of being a homicide detective. He's just thankful that he didn't want to be a train driver otherwise he would be cast out like poor Johnny and all his millions of dollars.

Jared was feeling sheepish as he stood in the kitchen illegally drinking orange juice from the carton, refrigerator door wide open. 

“Use a glass, son.” Ugh, he was home. Jared still had twenty minutes before he needed to leave for school and there he was. Uniform and his ever growing belly and his badge and his gun and patronizing comments.

“Yes, sir.” Jared elbowed the door closed and stood next to the counter. “How's work?” What was he doing? He never asked his father how his job was. Never. Wow, an attack of the guilts. He hated himself. He wanted to see Jensen. 

“It's never a walk in the park, son.”

Jared rolled his eyes inwardly. That was how his father spoke. Yes, it was very brave. And very noble being a cop. It had its dangers but he was reminded about it every single day of his life.

“No, sir. I don't suppose it is.”

“You suppose?”

And that was Jared's relationship with his father. Awkward.

“I have to go to school.” And now he was going to tell his father a massive lie. “I have a new club, at school. I mean it's at Saturday thing.” Jared was keen to free up his weekends in the hope he might see Jensen.

“You do?” His father frowned and nodded for more details.

“Yeah.” Think fast Padalecki. “It's for advanced Mathletes., you're always saying I waste my Saturdays.” Thrown in an achievement. Good job so far.

“I hope you take it seriously, son. It's an important year you have ahead of you.” He half-smiled. That was him being proud.

“Yeah, so there is a preliminary meeting tonight after school. Tell mom for me?”

“I'm not a messaging service. Leave a note on the family board.”

“Fine.” That was about as pissed he could get with his father. He picked his bag up and threw it over his shoulder, then walked over to the family board. Which was literally just a chalk board where they left notes for one another. Like 'buy eggs', 'I used up the milk' and 'my parents suck.' He wrote on the board 'Club after school, will be late. J x'

“I'll be off then.” Jared held up a hand and saluted with his forefinger then made a very hasty retreat.

He missed walking to school with Karen now that she was living with her brother. He had taken to cycling and had seen a noticeable difference in the size of his thighs since starting. They weren't huge but they had a tiny bit of definition and he liked it. Stopped him feeling so boyish. Puberty was being a bitch. He was so gangly and long and yet some parts of him were growing faster than other parts. The new thighs looked odd against his skinny arms. He'd tried lifting weights but got bored and felt stupid. He also had hair issues. In that his pubic hair was practically nonexistent. And yet his dick was massive which alarmed him slightly. Naked, he looked weird. Or at least he thought he did.

Karen was missing at school today so that meant an entire day alone. He didn't mind it so much. Thoughts about Jensen helped keep his mind occupied. He had thought about him constantly and it had ignited something inside him. A rebellious streak. Nothing huge, just a smart mouth. For now.

Jared was dripping with sweat and happy to see Jensen’s car in the parking lot as he climbed from his bike outside the bakery after school. Happy it wasn't a wasted journey and hopeful for some kind of cold drink once inside. He buzzed the intercom.

“Yeah?” The voice was gruff and quizzical.

“It..It's Jared. I..I mean its Jay.” It sounded weird when he called himself that.

"Come up." Jared heard the smile in Jensen’s voice which made his belly swarm with butterflies. He dragged his bike in through the open door and leaned it up against the wall. He tackled the stairs three at a time as always. Jensen was leaning against the open door of his apartment as Jared swung with vim from the stair rail. Out of breath and beautifully pink in the cheeks.

"Someone's keen." Jensen was smirking and looking even hotter in a short gray robe. A little open revealing a teasing amount of 20 year old chest. 

"Is Karen here?" It was Jared’s way of attempting to appear cool. It came off terribly. 

"Really?"

"Fine. I came to see you."

"Good boy. I like the truth. Come in, you look like death."

Jensen shuffled off toward his bedroom showing off a lot of those beautiful bow legs and the tiniest sliver of ass. Jared prayed that his dick would behave. He had no control over it and it irked him.  
A movie was playing out on the TV in Jensen’s room. The drapes were closed and it smelled weird again. Not unclean weird but just plain weird. 

"You gonna stand there all day?" Jensen glanced up at Jared hovering at the doorway. 

"Can I have a drink? I went a little too crazy on the ride over here."

"In the refrigerator."

Jared leaned into the blissful coolness of the open door and grabbed himself a Coke. He was slightly tempted by the beer but cigarette smoke and beer breath in one week might well be the end of his mother. 

Jensen patted the bed as Jared resumed hovering at the doorway of the bedroom. He was now officially horny. He sat shyly on the edge sipping his drink slowly.

"I have this movie on video."

"DVD. It's the future."

"Yeah. They look way cooler than videos." Jared was like an excitable puppy and knew he had to pull it back. "Awesome movie this."

"Yeah. Sit next to me."

Jared didn't hesitate. Jensen smelled clean. He had definitely showered in the past hour but not shaved as he still had a trail of dirty blonde stubble on his chin. No deodorant or body spray, just shower soap and weed. That's what the weird smell was. Weed.  
Jensen barely broke his gaze from the TV leaving Jared to battle with a threatening erection and a moment to take in his surroundings, to learn about this boy/man who he barely knew. His bedroom was like the rest of the apartment. Untidy but in one corner a tower of Nike sneaker boxes and in another brand new videos which looked kind of like porn but he couldn't really tell.

"Wow. That's a lot of Nikes."

"Want a pair?"

"Nah. My allowance would never cover the cost. My dad would know they're stolen." Jared gulped half of drink down the set the can down on the night stand.

"What is he? The fucking police?" Jensen scoffed. 

"Yeah. He is."

Jensen turned slowly. 

"Seriously?"

"Chief." Jared nodded. 

"Oh yeah. Yeah, that's right. Karen told me you want to be a cop when you're a big boy."

"Shut up." Jared went puce. And then redder still because of the going puce. 

"Your old man would love me. I'm no angel Jay.”

"No?"

"I steal. I sell soft drugs and I've been to juvie." Jensen reeled off the list as if they were all parent-proud achievements. 

Jared shrugged.

"Don't be scared."

"I'm not scared. Not of you." Jared was unblinking. He was telling the truth. He wasn't scared of him. He was scared of himself. 

They both went back to watching the movie. Silent but quite comfortable with it. Jared shifted down lower, his t-shirt riding up. He was utterly lost in the film and unaware his head was resting on Jensen’s shoulder. A finger. So slow and soft and gentle found its way along the strip of flesh between Jared’s pants and t-shirt.

"Don't." Jared sat up and pulled his t-shirt back down. 

"Why?"

"I.. I don't know."

"Want me to stop?" Jensen was intense. His demeanor quietly determined as his hand toyed with the hem of the boys t-shirt. 

"No." Jared shook his head.

"Have you done it before Jay?"

"I haven't done anything before." Jared whimpered like a cornered puppy. 

"Can I be your first everything?" His hand was up inside the t-shirt now, fingers stroking sweaty damp flesh. 

"Yes, please."

"So polite. You're such a good boy." Jensen leaned in, his mouth hovering over Jareds. "My good boy. Aren't you?"

"I am." Jared’s head was spinning and his stupid juvenile dick was hard. 

Jensen placed the flat of his hand on the boys belly, his thumb teasing his cock through his tented pants. Jensen leaned in and sort of just inhaled over Jareds' mouth, not attempting to kiss, just checking him out, taking in the boys scent. It was odd but strangely arousing.

“I think I'm gonna keep you.”

 

2 BECOME 1 – THE SPICE GIRLS

Candle light and soul forever,  
A dream of you and me together,  
Say you believe it, say you believe it,  
Free your mind of doubt and danger,  
Be for real don't be a stranger,  
We can achieve it, we can achieve it


	4. Chapter 4

 

One thing, at least one of the most striking things about Jensen was his stare. It made whomever was on the receiving end of it feel uncomfortable if not on occasion completely violated. As it did now as Jared looked up at him. His sweatpants were tented and pre-come had darkened a patch of the fabric, soaking through them as well as his underwear. He felt exposed and embarrassed but he suppose that was down to being 'publicly' aroused for the first time. 

"You have a big dick." Jensen remarked plainly.

"Do I?"

"You know you do." 

Jensen, although keen to feel the soft pink flesh of the young boys dick, he refrained. Instead he continued his wave of intimidation. Eyes looking hungry as did his full mouth. He had a habit, or so Jared noticed of licking his bottom lip and then pouting. He did it so nonchalantly that Jared was sure it was a habit or a tick. The more he did it, the more he pouted and the shinier his lips looked. His mouth had become obscene.

Jared wondered what Jensen had planned for him. He was sure that kids his age never allowed themselves time for foreplay. Foreplay with Jensen was watching. What the fuck would the touching be like. 

The short robe Jensen was wearing was grazing his sac. Jared thought perhaps he had a semi going on but couldn't tell. Jared was terrified that he would want to touch him, which would then lead to the most embarrassing moment of his life. It was already pretty quick when he masturbated in his room at home.

"I don't think I want to see your dick today. But I would like to see you come. Can you do that for me Jay?"

Jared nodded. Of course he could, if you want to see someone ejaculate in five seconds flat. 

"Just hold it. Give it a tug." His voice was calm. He elbowed against the bed, levering himself up for a better view. 

Jared pressed a shaky palm against his dick. The soft and now wet fabric of his sweatpants stretching against the strain. It visibly throbbed as Jared clutched it with his thumb and forefinger.

"How old are you?"

Jared frowned, he couldn't look at Jensen any longer, if only to try and prolong his orgasm. Determined not to be the clichéd desperate teenaged boy. 

"I'm 15, sir."

"Don't call me that. I'm 20 not 50. When were you 15?" 

Jared's hand was hesitating around his dick. He was shamefully close.

"S-sorry. July."

"You do have a very big dick for a young guy but then you're tall. Is your father tall?"

What the fuck? Jared was seconds from spilling his load and Jensen wanted to talk to him about his dad. He shook his head. Jensen spoke like someone who was still in a decent education. Not like the petty criminal drop-out he seemed to be. He seemed highly intelligent and this confused Jared. He figured he would ask him one day. But not today.  
Jared whined as he came in his underwear. He hadn't heard himself make a sound like it. He had perfected stealth coming, only allowing himself moans and whimpers when he was 100% convinced he was alone in the house. He felt the spread of his thick warm load fill his boxers and then seep through to his sweatpants. Jensen was quite still and relaxed. Not reacting hugely to what had just had happened. He hooked his elbow around the back of Jareds neck and pulled him in. 

"Good boy." He muttered flatly and then turned his attention back to the TV. "Come and see me on Saturday."

"Okay." Jared nodded against Jensens body. 

After the movie had finished Jared noticed Jensen was sleeping. He carefully slid away from him. He pulled at his t-shirt, keen to hide the dark patch on his pants. He paused. Hovering just in case Jensen stirred but he was dead to the world. He considered leaving a note but realized he was over thinking everything, he retrieved his bike from the hallway and left. 

Karen was his confidant. She was a fleshy diary who knew everything about Jared’s life. He had always assumed that she would be his go-to person when he had his first sexual encounter. Just like he had been when Jason Blake fingered her under the bleachers last Halloween.  
Firstly he wasn't entirely sure that what had happened was a legitimate sexual encounter. After all, he had simply sat next to someone and jizzed in his sweatpants. It didn't matter that the someone was akin to a real life religious experience. The sexiest man he had ever seen in his life. He wasn't sure it counted because he hadn't touched him.  
And of course. Karen wasn't Jensen’s biggest fan, brother and sister or not. Jared had not a soul to tell.  
He had been quite able to cope with school leading up to seeing Jensen again. He had a crush but he was happy it was healthy and similar to how he felt about David Charvet. Jensen was really hot but there was still that distance there.

Saturday morning, however, was spent having a mini crisis. He had always been happy with the clothes he owned but now he felt he was severely lacking in the wardrobe department. He owned a lot of sweatpants and oversized football shirts. He had one dress suit which since his current growth spurt was too short in the arms and anyway that would be way over dressed. He had no clue what he was doing so just stuck with his baggy nerd-jock look. He looked like a bag of bones.  
One blessing was that he had convinced his mother last time they went clothes shopping together that he was too old for ‘tighty whities’ and could he please have some boxer briefs. 

Fresh from the shower he, for a change, combed back his usual flicky mop of dark hair and threw in a bit of gel. He felt he needed to look a little more grown up and slicked back hair was the way to go.  
With his parents still convinced he was the head of a new school Advanced Mathletics club every Saturday he arrived at Jensens around noon.  
His front door was ajar and Ginuwine was blasting from his apartment. He parked his bike in the hall and took the stairs a little easier this time.  
Jensen emerged from his bedroom. He was 100% naked and damp from the shower. 

"You, you didn't say what time." Jared yelled to be heard over the music. 

"Now is fine. C'mon." Jensen nodded his head toward the bedroom. Jared shuffled on behind him, immediately doing his hummingbird hovering act by the doorway. Jensen turned the music down and spun around. "Do I intimidate you?" 

"A bit. I've never. You know."

"I know." Jensen smiled, approaching Jared slowly, he placed an affectionate kiss on his cheek, hands loose and relaxed either side of his body. 

Jared felt calm but he can't have been because of the needy little sound which fell from his lips as Jensens' plush mouth touched his cheek. It didn't go unnoticed but Jensen didn't react verbally. 

"I don't like your hair. Go shower and wash the gel out. Hairdryer in Karen's room."

"What now?"

"Yeah. Go on. I'll be in here."

Jared sat naked on the floor in Karen's room drying his hair. He thought about how Jensen seemed to tell him what to do quite a lot but it wasn't in a malicious way. He was quite serious and intense so it was probably his manner which made it feel a little demanding. Bored of drying his hair, the crown still damp he bundled his clothes together clutching them in a haphazard ball in front of his body. Cock and balls hidden behind the bundle. 

Jensen smiled. A huge grin broke out over his face. It unsettled Jared, it had been the first time he had seen him smile properly. It made his green eyes come alive. He literally just shone and at that moment Jared completely and utterly, head over heels fell in love with Jensen Ackles. 

Jared had also successfully not even once glanced at Jensen's dick from the moment he walked into his apartment.

"Wanna put your clothes on the bed?"

Jared nodded. He had a boner and he knew that Jensen knew. He threw his clothes on the bed in defeat catching his dick on them which made the monster bob. 

"You trying to make a man feel bad about his appendage?"

Jared sort of curled into himself with embarrassment.

"No." He smirked, he couldn't help it. 

"You're going to have to talk to me more if you want to be my boyfriend."

Jared's belly flipped just as his dick dipped.

"Your boyfriend?"

Jared was unsure what was happening. They knew nothing about one another at all. Barely spoken a few words to each other and now they were suddenly an item? Confusion aside Jared now had a boyfriend. A sexy mysterious older boyfriend who he had seen naked and will probably at some point have sex with. Sex.

And he still couldn't tell anyone. 

"Yeah. I like you Jay. You're cute and you have a gorgeous dick." Jensen licked his lips and Jared was sure he would just come on the spot. 

"Okay."

"Get dressed. We're going out."

Jared almost held a hand out and asked 'Really? Out? Both naked. Boners. Hello?' 

They sat side by side in the Impala. Jensen comfortably behind the steering wheel and Jared relaxed in the passenger seat. 

"That's your spot now. You're my permanent shot gun."

Jared felt his belly somersault and turned his relaxed head toward his boyfriend. Boyfriend? 

"I'll need to get home by four o'clock."

"Of course. Where do your folks think you are?"

"Advanced Mathletics."

"And they believed you?"

Jared nodded and shrugged.

"I'm already a Mathlete anyhow."

"Cute and a nerd. Awesome." Jensen grinned again. Ugh, those fucking green eyes and that dirty mouth. 

"I'm not a nerd." Jared muttered shyly.

"Take your clothes off sweetheart."

"Here?"

Here was a large unused ex parking lot. They were parked up right in the center of it. The area around them was slightly industrial with holdings and abandoned storage units. It was quiet, even for a Saturday but it was still public. 

"Yeah. You trust me right?"

Jared nodded that he did. Implicitly. He removed his shirt which Jensen took from him and folded it neatly between them. He pushed his sweatpants down to his ankles, Jensen said that was okay.

Jared’s neck rested on the passenger seat, his pert little ass sat prettily on the edge of it, back arched. Body flexed, skin tight over his slender frame. His dick was twitching and beading pre-come. He felt exposed but seriously turned on. 

"I'm not fucking you until I know you. You're worth more than that." Jensen said calmly. "I want you to play with your nipples." He nodded toward Jared’s chest. Jared had never paid them much attention before. They were just sort of, there. "Lift your arms up." Jared did so compliantly. 

Jensen ran the back of three fingers down the side of Jareds body and he immediately broke out in goosebumps which spread to his nipples. Jensen repeated it several times until Jareds nipples were hard and pebbled. 

"Go on." Jensen relaxed against the door. Jared was so aroused that any shame or worries about being outside drifted away as his fingers felt over his nipples. He had never touched them in any sexual way at all but now they were hard and responsive to his touch. "Squeeze them."

Jared half knew what he wanted to do and half didn't know how to do it. He wanted more than to be just Jensen’s puppet but he liked the direction. At 15, he needed it but he also felt the need to impress.  
As he pulled at his nipples, the sensation of their hardness against his fingers surged through his body. His dick was achingly hard and Jensen's appreciative gaze added to the new experience. He allowed his thighs to flop apart and arched his back more, barely any ass balancing on the edge of the car seat. 

"Pull them. Pull them hard so it hurts." Jensen muttered idly as he lit half a joint he had retrieved from the ash tray in front of him. The front of the car filled with smoke and the acrid stench of pot.  
Jared was breathing heavily. Drawing his nipples, now warm and soft, away from his skin. He was sure Jensen would do it better, it was hard to inflict pain on yourself and Jared instinctively resisted pain. 

Jensen continued to watch through a fog of smoke. Jared could see his boyfriend's hard dick pressing up against the black denim of his jeans, it helped spur the boy on further, knowing this older boy was hard for him. 

"Make yourself come. However you want, sweetheart."

Jared ran a hand over his hair slowly, gripped it and held it while his right hand stroked his dick. He kept it slow but even that didn't help prolong his orgasm and he was soon shooting ribbons of white over his tiny heaving belly. 

Jensen groaned this time. But still remained seemingly unmoved until he leaned over Jared, one hand on the steering wheel and sucked the boys semen from his belly using his lips. Jared’s body slid back onto the seat under the force of Jensen’s hungry mouth. He ate all of it and left nothing, aside from what was left dripping from Jared's spent dick, which remained untouched by Jensen.

"You taste fucking amazing. But then you know that. Don't you, Jay."  
Jared blushed, turning his head away and into his bare shoulder. How the fuck does he know that? 

 

PONY – GINUWINE

I'm just a bachelor  
I'm looking for a partner  
Someone who knows how to ride  
Without even falling off


	5. Chapter 5

 

Through the rest of August and toward the end of September the boys had developed a routine. The 'Advanced Mathletics club' proving that much of a success the hours were extended. Jared found that it was becoming easier and easier to lie to his parents. How they spent their time together remained the same. Jared stripping off naked, jerking off and touching his body so Jensen could watch and not do much at all.  
Their first Saturday in October was spent a little differently. For weeks Jensen had been trying to push weed onto his young boyfriend. And every time Jared declined. He already had to shower as soon as he got home to get the pot smell out of his hair. And had taken to doing his own laundry for the same reason. He wasn't entirely anti drugs more anti his father finding out. It was true that he was borderline terrified of him. But some of Jensen’s rebellious nature had already rubbed off, he gave insolence a try a few times which got him grounded. Twice.

"Try. For me. It'll make you horny."

They are were spread out naked on Jensen’s chaotic bed, limbs wrapped around one another. 

"I'm always horny around you Jen." He called him Jen now. 

"Yeah but seriously, you won't regret it, baby. Go on. For me. For your Jen." They also talked more and Jensen had softened a little. Still demanding and intense but kinder. 

"Okay. Just one hit." Jared caved, holding a hand out to take the joint from between Jensens fingers. 

"Uh huh. No. I said you're my permanent shot gun. I meant in every way, sweetheart. Open your mouth."

Fuck.

Jensen lifted his hips and relocated next to his boy, hips crashing together. He took a stupid long hit on the joint, leaned down and clamped his mouth over Jared’s. It had been the first time their lips had touched. For some reason a kiss between had never been instigated by either of them. They didn't kiss, Jared just inhaled deeply as Jensen exhaled with a moan into the boys mouth. 

Jared’s head spun as Jensen pulled away. He exhaled, smoothly. No catching no coughing. His dick positively throbbed as his body was reacting more to Jensens mouth than the drugs.

"Good boy."

Jared really, really wanted to kiss him now. He was giddy and warm and aroused.

"Again?" 

Jared nodded keenly. Fuck the drugs. He wanted that mouth on his.  
Three times. And now Jared felt beautifully light and as if his body had been emptied of all his organs. He felt cold and warm at the same time. Completely not caring about the last hit he took where he tried to kiss Jensen but had been rebuffed. 

"I want to play with you, baby."

"M'kay." Jared muttered lazily as Jensen sucked on two fingers.

"Open your legs." He spat around his fingers. The boy let his legs flail open. He pulled one up because Jensen was being quite transparent about where his fingers were going. Jared whined as they worked past his tight entrance. He had never felt anything so right in his life. 

"I am so fucking definitely gay." He mumbled in his high state and then pushed down onto Jensen's wet fingers. Jensen smirked and for the first time felt himself completely sexually switched on. Jared had relaxed. Finally. Utterly. 

Jared ran a loose hand over Jensen’s hair, down his face, fingers brushing his lips. Jensen responded by sucking the boys fingers into his mouth.  
Jared’s body shifted up the bed with every thrust of his boyfriend's fingers, his other hand jerked at his dick, Jensen batted his hand away. His fingers crooked inside Jared and located his prostate which made the boy almost sit up with pleasurable shock. 

"Take it easy baby. Lay back and open up for me."

Jared looked panicked as he as if he was about to come. His hands nowhere near his weeping cock. He fisted the sheets as Jensen finger fucked him into the mattress, his body writhing, back arching and breathing hitching. Jared finally felt what he had been craving for weeks, Jensens soft hand wrapping around his dick. He couldn't help but buck into his fist, hips rolling, eyes closed, feeling like he had never felt before.  
He came quickly, his climax keeping on and on. Jensen breathing out words of encouragement. 

"My good boy. I love watching you come. You look so fucking pretty."

Jared woke up three hours later. He had fallen asleep exactly where he had laid coming over his boyfriend's fingers and fist. It took him a little while to come around to fully awake. Jensen wasn't next to him, nor in the room. He got up, stretching and pulling a face at the dried spunk on his belly. He shuffled naked out into the living room.

“Hey, sleepy head.” Jensen smiled softly, then tipped his head back sniffing violently. Jared glanced at the table in front of his boyfriend. 

“Is that, coke?”

“A couple of lines. You're not doing any, sweetheart.”

“I wouldn't even if you forced me.” Jared shook his head quite severely.

“I wouldn't force you to do anything you didn’t want to do. You think I do that?” He pressed the pad of his thumb against the side of his nose, sniffing again.

“No. I mean you do tell me to do a lot of stuff but it's more asking than telling.” Jared folded his arms across his body and sat on the couch next to Jensen. “Why do you do drugs?”

“I think of them as life-enhancers, the word 'drug' itself implies something negative and something which renders its user useless. Used correctly, drugs can benefit you. Some people use daily, becomes a habit for them. I use it like we did in bed this afternoon. It was good right? When you came? The weed made it feel different, didn't it?” Jared couldn't deny that it had.

“What does the coke do?” 

“It makes me a better version of me.” He said plainly.

“But you're fine, Jen. As you are.”

“Sweet but bullshit.” Jensen ran the pad of his middle finger over the residue of coke left on the table. Barely anything but enough to form a light white line along his finger. He offered it to Jared, who leaned back shaking his head. Jensen rubbed it over his gums. “Good boy. You don't need it, you're perfect.”

“Thanks.” Jared smiled softly, worried the cocaine would alter Jensen's personality too much that he wouldn't like him. He loved him, exactly as he was. He loved him.

“Jen?”

“Hmm?” Jensen sniffed one more time and rolled his lips back over his teeth and gums.

“Do you love me?” Jared's voice was soft and meek.

Jensen wrapped his arm around Jared's waist and pulled him onto his lap.

“Straddle your ride, baby boy.”

Fuck, he loved it when he called him that. It felt wrong and seedy and sent a shiver down his spine. And God, they were close. Flaccid dicks melding together. Chests bumping.

“Now, what did you just ask me?” Jensen's hands gripped Jared's shoulders, walked his fingers down his arms and clasped the boys wrists together behind his back. Jared instinctively arched his back, there was minimal aggression on Jensen’s part but Jared was becoming more tuned into what and how his boyfriend wanted him to behave.

“Do you love me?” A slight whimper laced Jared's voice. A need. A want. 

'Kiss me.'

“I fucking do, yeah.” Jensen murmured, his mouth closing over the stretched exposed sinew of Jared’s long neck. He licked it, tightening the grip around Jared’s wrists and then sunk his teeth into the boys flesh, sucking and pulling. Dragging the thin layer of skin.

“D-don't.” Jared stammered. He'd already been stoned today, he couldn't go home with a hickey.

Jensen removed his mouth with a wet pop. He watched Jared carefully, mouth hovering over flesh. It met Jared’s left pec.

“Go on. Do it there. I can hide it there.” 

Jensen sucked and bit and growled at Jared’s skin. His flesh was so taut it hurt. Hurt that made Jared’s dick twitch against Jensen’s. Awesome, horrible and beautiful pain. Jensen’s mouth was wet and full, lips shiny and red as he pulled away.

“I'm gonna mark you, every time I see you. Claim you, over and over. So no one else can have you.” Jensen roughly manhandled Jared further onto his lap. Kissing everywhere. Everywhere except the boys mouth. He left trails of saliva and nips and bites all over his body. Laying him back onto the couch, back arched, heaving body, legs open and inviting.

“I want you to -” Jared gasped, hand curling around his dick and then mewling has Jensen peeled it away. Hands, rough hands all over his skin, bumping over his ribs pushing against his flesh. Fingers sliding under his ass, gripping, grasping.

“What? Tell me.” Jensen growled, his head dipped, tongue licking over Jared's belly, suckling his navel, tongue lapping.

“Fuck me. I want it. Ready.” He moaned out, his eyes closed tightly. 

“Not tonight, Jay.”

“Tease. You're a fucking tease, Jen.”

“I'm a lot worse than a 'fucking tease', believe me.”

 

KISS ME – SIXPENCE NONE THE RICHER

Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight  
Lead me out on the moonlit floor  
Lift your open hand  
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance  
Silver moon's sparkling  
So kiss me


	6. Chapter 6

 

Jared sat on the porch of his house as his mom busied herself placing store bought Jack O'Lanterns and cotton spiders web along the window ledge. Jared wasn't doing his job as 'spider web holder-upper' very well. 

"Jared. Will you please hold it up higher. Stand up." Mrs Padalecki pursed her lips. 

Jared sighed and got to his feet. 

"I don't know why you're doing this. I haven't been trick or treating since I was 11 years old."

"This isn't for you. It's for the neighbors."

"Just like the fifty bucks worth of candy you bought?"

"Hold it up!" 

"Mom. I'm going to a party tonight. I need to get ready." Jared was become increasingly frustrated by her. Not just now but in day to day life in general. 

"Help me with my decorations and then you can go." She smiled. So sickly sweet. Jared supposed he should comply. She was covering for him again. Just so he could party with Jensen and his friends.

Knowing Jensen and how he conducted his life concerned Jared somewhat when it came to the company he kept when he wasn't orchestrating his young boyfriend in the bedroom. It was to be their first public outing together and Jared was stupid nervous. 

After he was relieved of his Halloween decorating duties he raced up to his bedroom, stopping at the doorway. Last time he had seen Jensen, he had presented him with a wrapped box. Nothing fancy, brown paper secured with tape. Along with that an invitation to a Halloween party at his friends house. A friend Jared had never met nor ever heard mention of until then. 

Chad had money apparently. And little else but charm and good looks by the sound of it. His parties were always a huge deal and usually pretty wild. Hence the cover story Jared’s dear sweet mom would use to keep Mr P happy. Or at least, his kind of happy.

Jensen had picked out Jared’s Halloween costume. It was in the box which Sam placed on his lap and ripped into. 

Shit. 

He had thought that it was a little light to be containing much. He hadn't been wrong. In amongst layers of pink tissue paper he found a pair of white cotton panties with a cute pink bow on the rear. A short white pleated skirt and a matching white cropped tank top with a huge J on the front in pink to match the bow on the panties.  
Jared deflated and felt his stomach turn. 

Shit. 

Jared shoved the box and its dubious contents away from him. He glared at and thought perhaps it was still too near, so pushed it right to the edge of his bed. It was a little after 8pm. Thirty minutes until Jensen was due to pick him up. How the hell was he meant to walk out of the house? How could he meet people wearing some porn version of a cheerleaders costume. And he hadn't even showered yet. 

He got up and started to frantically rifle through his closet. Pulling out jerseys and jumpers and anything that looked big enough he could hide under. And then he found it. A huge Cowboys jersey one of his uncles bought for him for his birthday last year. It still had the tags on it because it looked like a dress it was that big. Perfect. 

Fresh from the shower, towel around his waist he leaned against his bedroom door until it clicked shut. He almost circled the box of clothes like a lion. It all looked so small and virginal and naughty. And, oh God, so fucking wrong. 

Everything clung to his body like a dream. The panties cupped his ass perfectly, the pink bow nestled against the deep dip above his ass cheeks. The skirt skimmed his butt beautifully, just hinting at a sliver of cheek. The cropped vest clipped the top of his ribs, holding snug against his skin. 

For a moment he couldn't bear to step in front of his mirror. He felt something. Something new. Something that would be confirmed with meeting his reflection. 

He needed to get his white sneakers from his closet which meant meeting the mirror. He ignored his reflection as he unboxed his shoes but caught a glimpse over his shoulder. Long legs and a hint of pert ass, a slender waist, tan against the white fabric. 

Shit. 

His dick stirred. So unwelcome. Bad enough tenting in his baggy clothes. Tiny panties and barely there pleated skirt. A social nightmare. He pulled the tags from the gigantic Cowboys jersey and watched as it dropped to just above his knees. When did his uncle ever think he would grow into it? A blessing in disguise as it covered everything that was uncovered.

He heard the music and low rumble of Jensen's car pull up outside the house. His belly did a thousand somersaults and just one more as his mother approached him from the living room. 

“Is that your costume? It doesn't seem very imaginative.”

Jared looked down at his bare legs and swishy jersey.

“I was going for something subtle. Ironic.” He said with as much heart as he could muster. “What would happen if the Cowboys used teenage boys with eating disorders to play for them.” What the fuck was he saying?

“Oh, I see. Well, whatever you think works for you my little prince.” 

Ew.

“Yeah so, Jensen is giving me a ride home. I don't know when.”

“That's lovely.” 

She was on her evening meds and Gin diet already. Maybe he could have gotten away with the porn star costume after all.

Jared was pretty buzzing when he fell into the passenger seat of Jensen’s car. His boyfriend soon put a stop to that.

“What are you wearing? That's not what I bought you.” He was being curt.

“Well, I have it on underneath. There are like loads of little kids around here. It's not that kind of neighborhood, Jen.”

“You got it on though, right?”

“Of course.” Jared lifted the bottom of the jersey, he managed an inch before Jensen's hand gripped his wrist.

“Not yet. I wanna see you when everyone else does.” Jensen watched him, eyes dark.

“Okay. If you say so.”

“You know I do.”

Chad’s place was borderline palatial. Jared's middle class five bedroom house looked like a shack in comparison. It was gated, with a gravel drive which split off into two separate paths circling a large water feature. Just missing fountain status. The house itself was all Greek columns and large windows with balconies on the upper floors. It was big, a real statement property but so fucking tacky which could only mean new money. No one who was born into it would ever live anywhere so crass.

Jensen parked up right outside. Chad had laid on a valet service for the night which terrified Jensen to his very core. Jared was sure he heard Jen exchange sharp words with the hired valet. 'Scratch my car or die.' Or something similar. As Jared stood waiting it occurred to him that Jensen hadn’t bothered to dress up at all. He looked hot, he always does but there was nothing about his clothes that said 'Halloween party' at all. Great. Jared had a sinking feeling in is belly. He had become quite comfortable in his huge football jersey. Warm. Safe.

“C'mon then. Let's see you.” Jensen tugged at the jersey.

“Hang on though. Why aren't you dressed up? Where's your costume?”

“I'm gonna be wearing you all evening. You're my arm candy.”

Jared just blinked slowly. Wow, he is kind of a douche. It wasn't a surprise but sometimes Jared just liked to let it sink in just how much of a bag of dicks his boyfriend was.

“Fine.” Jared pulled the jersey up, skirt going up with it and yanked it over his head. Jensen snagged it from his hand and threw it in bed of neatly trimmed bushes. “But-”

The wind was knocked out of him. It happened so fast, feet catching on the uneven gravel, a hand pressing against his bare midriff, back crashing against the grooved column. He groaned. A groan which started as pain then morphed into something little more carnal. Jensen's hands were all over him, thighs, waist, ass, belly. Never settling anywhere for longer than a few seconds. His mouth was like a vice around Jared's slender neck, sucking. A thigh wedged between the boys bare legs. Jared was so aware of party-goers around them. Stopping to watch, snicker and point.

“Jen.” Jared breathed. Nothing. “Jen. God, will you stop!” Jared had never spoken to Jensen like that. But it worked.

“You look fucking sexy. I don't care who can see.” Curt again. No joy there.

Jared smoothed his clothes down, not that it made much of a difference. 

“Oh and you have a fucking huge hickey on your neck.”

Dressed like a slut and a hickey already and they hadn't even walked into the house yet. Marvelous.

Jensen wrapped his fingers around Jared's, linking hands. 

“I just want everyone to see how fucking sexy my boy is.”

As Jared glanced around the large foyer of the house, all yellow lights and marbled floor he wondered just how Jensen knew someone like this, since he lived like a pauper in comparison. He thought that was perhaps a conversation another day.

“Hey Chad, dude. This place is awesome.”

Jared jumped as Jensen yelled. Aghast at how animated he had become. Friendly, open and warm. He was usually none of the above.  
Chad was just as tacky as his ghastly home. Good looking with over-styled blonde hair, baggy jeans which sat on his perky ass and a tight white vest. He was all charm and swagger. And his eyes fell on Jared.

“Wow. Who's the pretty girl?” Chad bit his lip. Wow, camp.

“Jay. My boy. Ain't he pretty, just like I said.”

“You're a bitch Jensen. You're such a straight acting fucker but you have struck gold with this gorgeous piece of ass.”

'I'm standing right here.'

“Hey.” Jared said simply. Suddenly so aware of his state of undress. And he just remembered the stupid hickey. He made a mental note to find a bathroom as soon as he could, just to check the severity of it. It hurt, so he figured it was probably purple and the size of a dinner plate.

“How did he blackmail you into that outfit, sweet pea?”

“He didn't. I wanted to wear it for him.” Liar.

Jensen slid a leather clad arm around Jared's waist pulling him up against his hip. What with the hickey and now the 'ownership' death grip, Jared was practically waiting for Jensen to piss up his leg and claim him completely.

“Keep an eye on him. He'd get snapped up in a heartbeat. Must circulate. Bye bye babies.” Chad chirped.

“He looks straight but he's so-.”

“I know. It really fucks with people's heads.” Jensen laughed with an expression of reminiscing. 

‘Like you’.

Jared knew his relationship with Jensen was wrong. The feelings were buried deep down underneath piles of growing positive reasons. He was his toy. His plaything to parade around as he pleased. 

Jensen knew a lot of people. This left Jared feeling a little perplexed as he seemed to live a seemingly lonely life. That skeevy apartment above an Italian baker's. Undecorated and sparsely furnished. Full to the brim with hot Nikes, illegally imported German porn, drugs and relevant paraphernalia and not much else. 

Most of the party goers looked like successful people. New money or not they were living the high life, something Jensen didn't fit into at all. But he was hugely popular. Bro hugs, camp kisses and women practically threw themselves at him. Once into the throng, Jared noticed how, compared to some people, he was over-dressed. He had never seen so much flesh in real life. And so close. It was like  
Sodom and Gomorrah. Less party, more orgy.

“What kind of party is this, Jen?” Jared muttered into Jensen's ear, his hands gripping at his leather jacket.

“It's a Chad kinda party.” He laughed gripping Sams' waist with reassurance.

“I don't like it.” He wasn't lying. It really wasn't his kind of thing. He was no longer concerned about his stupid costume, more worried he'd catch something just by breathing the same air as some of these people. “Can we go?” He whined, almost stamping his foot.

“No, we have literally just got here. Besides-” He breathed over Jared's' mouth. “I wanna see what a wasted cheerleader with a huge dick looks like.”

“Jesus, Jen.” Jared whined again. It was going to be one of those nights.

Eggnog. That was Jared's' alcohol consumption history. Once, last Christmas at one of his uncles huge parties. It was gross.

“It won't take much.”

“Cheap date too.” Jensen smirked, placing himself behind his boy, hands on his tiny hips, guiding him toward the well stocked bar.

“Pretty sure you don't have to pay here.”

“It was a figure of speech.” Curt and dark eyes as Jensen spun around. “Don't smart mouth me.” Deadly serious.

“I-I wasn't.”

Jensen ignored him as he stood on the brass foot rail along the bottom of the bar which was decorated like an English pub. It was all like a surreal dream which Jared was sure he would wake up from very soon. But it wasn't and he was soon staring at a row of shots. Six to precise. All for him. Just the thought of it was enough to make him want to throw up.

“Want me to pin you down and make you drink 'em?” Jensen chuckled, downing his third. Jared was sure that Jensen would, given half the chance.

“No, I can manage.” Jared scowled. The first one burned his gullet as if he had swallowed engine oil and it hit his stomach like acid. “It doesn't taste good.” Wow, he really needed to quit whining. Jared imagined that drinking shots was a lot like murder, it's gets easier after the first time. But then, mostly, people who commit murder actually want to do it. He thought he'd much prefer to sip at a beer or a fancy cocktail.

Jensen leaned against the bar, carefully studying his protégé chugging shot after shot, he himself knocking his own back without so much as a twitch. Jensens hand sat on the low arch of Jared's back, pinky pulling the fabric of his skirt a little higher. Anyone behind them would be able to see the cute virginal panties that clung to his ass. And that was what Jensen wanted. His virgin boyfriend on display for everyone to see. He had been stretching out and prepping his hole for weeks but as of yet hadn't fucked it, at least not with his dick. Jared was desperate for it. Unabashed when it came to down right begging for Jensen to pop his cherry.  
And of course, Jensen lapped it up. The oral sex was dirtier, the hand jobs faster and more furious. A constant stream of bruises and bites and welts over Jared's body every Saturday, even before the previous ones had healed.  
Jared downed all of his shots, he retched as the last one hit his throat. 

"Who's my good boy?" Jensen smirked as he ordered two English pints.

"I guess I am." Jared squeaked out as Jensen slid his hand up the boys skirt and into the back of his panties. He made to turn around but Jensens arm went stiff preventing Jared from moving at all.

"You're such an exhibitionist, Jenny." Jared beamed. Now warmed by the Jager shots. 

"Jenny now am I?" Jensen growled and pulled Jared in close, breath laced with booze. 

"You two love birds so need to get a room." Chad. "I have like 15 of 'em. Knock yourselves out." Chad licked his lips, eyes hanging heavy over Jared's tight little body. "I fucking would. Jen, seriously. Jail bait, you're my God."

Chad skipped off, hips swinging and centering himself in the middle of the dance floor. Arms flailing, lapping up the attention.

"You wanna?" Jensen panted. "Wanna go fuck in one of these fancy rooms?"

Jared whimpered. Oh my fucking Christ. Finally. 

"Yeah. I do."

"And when I mean fuck. I mean I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna make you come undone. Strip you of your innocence. Pop that cute little cherry."

"Fuck, Jen."

 

GEORGE MICHAEL - STAR PEOPLE ‘97

I do not count myself among you  
I may be living in a dream  
It's just seem to many of you  
Can't help but hope  
There's a difference between, you and me


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen grabbed Jared’s arm, leaving the freshly poured pints on the bar.   
There were two stair cases. Each either side of the huge foyer, wrapping around it and leading to the next floor which was lined with door after door. Some of them had panties and bras hung on the knobs, clearly taken. Jensen sheepishly opened the only door not festooned with underwear. 

"This place is like a fucking hotel." He said as he kicked the door open, Jared still pressed up against his body. His dick jutting up against Jensen’s ass.

Jensen flicked on the light switch and he was correct. The room they had stumbled upon was like a hotel suite. Modern and well lit with long voile drapes hung at the window, with a balcony overlooking the grounds of the mansion. It was, as Jensen concluded, like a fucking mansion.

“We stayed in a place like this when we went to Italy.” Jared said gently bouncing up and down on the springy bed. Hands and ass sinking into the thick, feather filled comforter.

“Who's we?” Jensen frowned as he threw his jacket on the floor.

“Me and my folks. We went last year. It was cool.”

Jensen wasted no time crawling over Jared's body. His hand cupped Jared’s poor, aching cock.

“Oh honey, your panties are so wet.” Jensen drew in a breath through his teeth as he rubbed his thumb over the sopping patch of pre-come soiling Jared’s ridiculous underwear. “Fucking love this. Hand up your skirt, hand-” Jensen slipped his fingers inside the panties, cupping Jared’s dick. “-inside your panties. Gonna make you come in 'em.”

“Not now. I wanna wait.” Jared moaned.

“I don't.” Jensen licked a spit soaked tongue over Jared's mouth as he rubbed him off. Just his palm stroking the length, finger and thumb nipping the head, smearing pre-come back down the shaft.

“Please, Jen. I thought you was gonna fuck me.”

“Fuck. Have I taught you nothing? Patience, okay?”

Jared's hands fisted the comforter which was puffed up around his body as he felt himself come, quite quietly. He felt vaguely disappointed with himself but the upside of being a 15-year-old boy was that in about 30 seconds he'd be hard again. 

Jensen stood up and licked his fingers clean like he had just been eating a bucket of chicken.

“Jen. I'm sorry.”

“It's fine. It's what I was aiming for. Means next time you'll come harder.”

Jensen was right. He had clocked that about Jared. He was like a girl, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. Each one more intense than the last. He flopped down in a brown leather armchair leaving Jared propped up on his elbows, underwear now even more soaked through.

“Jen?”

“C'mere and gimme a lap dance.” Jensen grunted out, ignoring Jared completely.

“No. No way.” Jared immediately sat up and drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them in a hug. 

“Go on.”

“No. I never dance and those shots didn't really work that well if they were meant to get me drunk.”

“Okay. Shall we have a smoke then?”

Jared nodded. Pot made him so relaxed and so horny and he loved it. He hadn't succumbed to Jensen's coke habit but pot was just fine for him. He got what he wanted from it and that was enough for him. Plus shotgunning drove him crazy.

He and Jensen still hadn't kissed. He'd done so much sex stuff and was about to get royally fucked but was still a virgin when it came to experiencing his first kiss. So the shotgunning was as close as he could get to touching Jensen's mouth with his own. He had given up trying to kiss him, fed up with being rebuffed every single time. It was weird but Jensen was slowly driving him insane with lust and love, he could almost cope with no kissing.

Jared sighed a huge sigh of disappointment as Jensen handed him his very own blunt. He paused for moment, snatching it back, studying the roach. 

“That's yours.” Jensen muttered.

“Why?”

“I'm having myself a little cocktail.”

Jared looked down and saw that his name was written in black ink along the tip.

“Jen. What are doing? It's not weird stuff is it?”

“Yours isn't, no.” Jensen leaned forward and lit Jared's joint. The boy looked awkward and inexperienced. Only used to second hand smoke from Jensen's mouth. “Don't hold it like a doofus for fuck sake.”

“I can't smoke a whole one, Jenny.”

“You don't have to.” Jensen leaned back and lit his own marijuana and crack cocktail. “Just smoke until you feel good, baby boy.”

Jared took his first long drag. He was quite proud of himself that he wasn't a choker and always took it in smoothly and then reality hit him like a ten ton ice truck. He was sitting on the bed in some huge mansion (probably obtained by some shady means) wearing a cheerleaders outfit, come soaked panties, smoking a blunt (with his name on it) with his ex-juvie 20 year old boyfriend who he was soon to be engaging in some pretty hardcore gay ass sex with. 

Daddy would be so proud. 

Jared suddenly felt like a suburban rebel without a clue. He mentally waved goodbye to school, exams, college, the police and every normal, straight laced aspect of his life. This is who he was now and he loved it.

Jared, blunt in hand, plonked himself down on Jensen's thighs with an unsteady bump and that was all it took. Jared burst out laughing and could not stop. He was borderline hysterical. The one time he needed to feel that beautiful 'I'm so stoned, I'm horny' feeling and instead he gets the giggles. Giggles of epic proportions. He couldn't stop, retching and crying. Stomach muscles aching as he laughed like a hyena.

Jensen did not looked happy. Which only made Jared's hysteria escalate even more. 

“Fuck sake, will you quit it.” Jensen barked. Himself now still and feeling the effects of his bazooka. “Annoying little shit.”

Jared was oblivious to Jensen's shift in mood, still laughing, still smoking his blunt without a care in the world. Jared held his hand under his nose, trying to cover his mouth but just could not stop laughing. Which had turned into cheeky snickering.

“M'sorry. I'm just a bit, hsytical. No, hyteric. No, that's not it.” More laughter. “Fuck, Jenny.” Jared bit his lip as Jensen glared at him. There was a glimmer of amusement, but not much. “I'm hystrical. No that's not it. I'm hysterically. Oh, nearly. I'm-” Jared stopped, letting out a little wanton groan as he palmed his dick which was severely tenting his cute little skirt. “-I'm so horny.”

Jensen slid his belt from the buckle and unbuttoned his jeans. One hand slung lazily over the arm of the chair, fingers clutching his bazooka.

“Gimme that fucking dance.” Jensen grunted out as he fished inside his boxers and pulled his thick, velvety dick out through the gap in the fabric.

Jared laid his half smoked joint on the edge of the nightstand making sure and taking way too much time over placing it so it didn't burn the edge of the furniture. His giggling had subsided, although as he moved with liquid hips toward Jensen, he still let out the odd little nervous giggle here and there. Jared didn't have a clue what he was doing and was thrown by the lack of music but he was just too stoned to give a fuck as he turned around and bent over, teasingly lifting his pleated skirt. He locked himself between Jensen's open thighs and rested the hem of the skirt on his ass cheeks. 

“Fuck. Show me your hole. Show me that fucking beautiful hole.” Jensen flinched as his blunt burned his fingers.

Jared pulled his damp panties down letting them drop to his knees, he bent over further, rotating his hips, fingers pulling at his ass cheeks.

“Fuck, yeah. That's it. Dirty little slut, showing me your cunt like a ten buck hooker. Fuck.”

Jared backed down slowly feeling Jensen's weeping dick brush against his ass and then he felt a finger. Slightly wet and without ceremony being pushed into his hole.

“Jesus, fuck. Jen. S'not wet enough.” Jared whined as Jensen's finger caught against the inner wall of his dry ass hole. “Please just fuck me. Use your dick.” Jared was skating on thin ice. Jensen wore the pants in their relationship and rarely took kindly to demands. Sexual or otherwise. 

“Fucking be patient.”

“No, you said you'd fuck me. And I want it.” Jared stumbled forward, the shots and weed combination had now taken effect. Jared tugged up his panties and staggered toward the door.

“The hell you think you're going?” Jensen growled. 

“Home.” Jared stomped. “You're always telling me what to do and I hate it. I just want to us to have sex but you're too drugged up to get your dick up.” 

Jensen was too drugged to move and Jared wasn't about to wait. He flew from the room, pushing past couples littering the stairs. The tears were already falling as he ran through the throng of heaving bodies in the foyer and out into the night. He bent over and retched, staggering out toward the flower beds, he needed to find his football jersey. That's all he wanted to do. Find that and run home.

“Hey.” Jared was deaf and blind to everything around him. “Hey!” The female voice behind him finally broke his trance.

“What?” Jared sniffed up snot as he found his jersey nestled behind a bush.

“You okay, kid?”

“I will be when I can get this on and leave.” Jared sobbed, tangling the jersey around his head, an arm finding its way through the neck. A pair of hands came to the rescue. Small female hands with long red nails. She pulled Jared's jersey up and then placed the neck over his head. 

“There y'are.” She smiled. All blonde hair and cute dimples and kindness. “You okay, honey? You look a little young to be here, especially dressed like that.”

Jared immediately took offense.

“I'm here with my boyfriend. He's 20.” Like that sort of information mattered.

“I didn't mean anything.” She smiled and held out a hand. “Brianna.”

“Jared.” He half-smiled through wet, red eyes. “I need to get home but he's kind of my ride and I don't know where the hell I am. And I have no money.”  
“Well, I wouldn't have thought so in that outfit. Hardly room for pockets.”

Jared laughed a tiny amount. Brianna seemed nice in contrast to the assholes living the high-life in Chads' stupid house.

“Who are you here with? Do I know him?”

“Jensen.” Jared shrugged the name out.

“Don't know a Jensen. Sounds like a dick.”

“Is a bit. I love him though.” Jared said in defense of his boyfriend.

“Sure you do.” Brianna smiled and smoothed down Jared's jersey. “I can give you some money for a cab.” 

Just as Brianna finished offering her help, Jensen walked out of the house.

“Jay. Why the hell did you run off?” He wasn't mad, he looked more worried than anything.

Brianna backed away slowly, giving Jared an 'I'll be inside if you need me' look.

“I'm sick of you doing loads of drugs. You're perfect as you are. I know that was crack you were smoking. I'm not some stupid kid. Please stop Jen. I don't want you to die.” Jared sobbed and fell to his knees. The gravel bit into his kneecaps but he barely felt it.

For all his bravado and demanding nature, Jensen hated seeing Jared so hurt. He loved the boy. He just didn't know how to do any of it properly.

“Jay, please.” Jensen knelt beside his boy, wrapping his arms around his slender frame.

“No. Say you'll stop. Or you won't see me again.”

“Okay. I'll stop. I promise.”

“You're lying.” Jared mumbled into Jensen's jacket.

“I'm not.” He really wasn't. “You mean the world to me Baby Jay.” Jared fell backward on his ass, pawing at Jensen's face.

“I love you Jenny. I wanna be with you forever.”  
“I love you too, Jay.” Jensen, for the first time spoke with complete and utter conviction. Jensen pulled Jared up to his feet and whistled at the valet. “Black Impala, scratch it or die.”

Jared giggled a little.

“Will you protect me as much as you protect that stupid car?” 

“Always.”

The Friday before Jensen and Jared's usual Saturday meeting the doorbell rang quite late in the evening. It was Karen. Jared was in his room reading as his Mother tapped lightly on his door.

“Karen's here to see you. You'd better come straight down.” His mom was unusually grave looking.

“Is she okay?” Jared closed his book as his stomach churned. Something felt off.

He almost fell down the stairs and ran into the living room. Karen was sat perched on the edge of the couch, face red and blotchy.

“Karen? What's happened? Is it your dad?” Jared kneeled in front of her, hands gently placed on her knees. Karen shook her head and sniffed loudly.

“No!”

“What is it then?” Jared felt his stomach turn.

“It's Jensen.” Jared stood up and stepped back.

“What?”

“He's been arrested.” Karen sobbed.

“He's been-” Jared swallowed hard.

“Sex with a minor.”

Jared staggered backward, just like he had the night after Chads' party.

“No. He-he can't. No, he hasn't.” Jared slapped a hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

Karen shot him a knowing look.

“Where is he?” 

Karen remained silent.

“Karen, where the hell is he?”

Jared's mom was taking in everything but it was taking a while to click. 

“Jared. Is there something you're not telling me?” Mrs P looked vaguely shocked.

“I'm the minor.” Jared didn't care any more. He had to stop all of it from happening. If convicted, Jensen would go away for a very long time.

“Mom, I need you to drive me to-” He shot Karen a look. “Where?” 

“With your dad.” Karen stood up. “I fucking hate you.” 

Jared didn't have time to respond and didn't care to even look at his former best friend a moment longer.

“I need to speak to dad. Jensen is not going to prison over this.”

 

HUNX AND HIS PUNX – TOO YOUNG TO BE IN LOVE

Why won't you do it with me  
I wanna do it with you  
You are my bad boy  
My little pile of joy  
When I saw you I knew you were the one  
The way you looked at me when it only just begun  
I wish I would've known then what I know now  
It wouldn't last too long but it never does, does it?  
Cause I'm too young to be in love  
I'm too young to be in love


	8. Chapter 8

Mrs P was over the limit. Hugely. She had been on the gin all evening as usual but thankfully hadn't self-medicated like she normally does at bedtime. Jared didn't care, she had got them there safe enough.

“Wait here.” Jared smiled weakly, another apologetic smile and gentle squeeze of the hand. He ran straight into the building, the hallowed grounds of the SAPD. 

“I need to see my Dad.” Jared leaned over the desk. He knew the desk sergeant well.

“Jared. Hell, you've gotten tall.” Blah blah blah. 

“Hey Tom, can I see my Dad, it's pretty important.” Jared's eyes darted around the office looking for Jensen but knowing full well he was already locked up.

“He's kinda busy son.”

“I know but it's kinda urgent. It's-”

“My office. Now.” Oh God, that voice. Jared glanced behind him.

“Yessir.”

Jared slipped past his father and walked the familiar route to his fathers office. He stepped inside and waited for his father to catch up.

“Sit down.” Chief Padalecki closed the door and then one by one shut every last blind which hung above the half glass wall of his office.

Jared sat down and watched his father carefully. His heart was pounding so hard he was sure his Dad could hear it.

“I know why you're here.” Jared went to speak but was silenced with one wave of his fathers chubby hand. “I have a friend of yours in custody. A-” He leaned forward slowly, placing his spectacles on the end of his nose. “-Jensen Ross Ackles. Delightful guy. Got quite a lot of previous. Been to juvie. Thief. Father is a grade A felon. He's locked away, thankfully, for the rest of his life. And now we have Ackles junior.” Jared opened his mouth, but was silenced for a second time. “Okay, I'll read it to you. Mr Ackles was arrested last night at approximately 08:40 hours. Suspicion of homosexual intercourse with a minor. 15. Name given of said minor. Jared Padalecki. Oh and not to mention the stolen goods and myriad of drugs charges.”

Jared looked straight at his father, his eyes were battling a deluge of tears.

“Please don't charge him. Please. We didn't even have sex.” Jared wasn't lying about that.

“He's a pedophile.” 

“He's my boyfriend. And he's like 5 years older me than me. That doesn't really count.”

“You're an idiot.”

“Why am I? He didn't groom me or anything. Dad, he's my friends' brother. He didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do.” Jared knew that wasn't strictly true but he could have walked away anytime he wanted but he stayed because he loved him. 

“I've heard some stories before, son.”

“Shut up. I love him!” Jared stood up and screamed at the top of his voice.

“SIT DOWN!” Fuck, Chief Padalecki was loud. Jared slumped back down, rather than sat. He felt boneless and weak and like the best half of him had been torn from his body.

“Please Dad.” Jared's head lolled, he was utterly distraught.

“You have let me down for the last time.” The tone was sheer disappointment, Jared's reaction however was one of confusion.

“I've what?” Jared wiped his face with the back of his hands. “Are you serious right now?”

“Very.”

“I'm a Grade A student. I haven't had day off sick since kindergarten. I'm a Mathlete and I run two after school clubs. I always do my homework before I even get to take a fucking shit when I get home.” Jared scoffed as his father reacted to the cursing. “Why do you hate me so much, huh? I can't do anything right. And now the fact that I may have been groomed by some pervert, that's my fault is it? Y'all think I'm worthless.”

“Jared. This is very serious. We can't just ignore it.” 

“Who told the police?” Jared sat up suddenly, arms folded, defiant.

“Son, you know enough about police procedure to know that I can't divulge that information.”

“Stop talking to me like I'm just another victim. Which, by the way, I'm not. Do you really think I would be in here if he was abusing me? Huh?”

“That is how these people work, Jared.” Chief Padalecki leaned back in his chair. It annoyed Jared somewhat, that his father was more annoyed rather than concerned that his son had been lured into bed by some perverted old kiddie fiddler.

“Jen isn't like that, Dad. Let him go. You have the power.”

“I can't do that.” 

“Yes. You can.” Jared smirked to himself. “Okay then, if you don't let him go. I'm dropping out of high school. I'll not apply for college and if I do go, I'll go to community college and get a job. A regular job, not with the police.”

“Blackmail. Clever boy.”

“I mean it. I'll be Jeff but without all of that disgusting money you bunch of ass wipes all hate so much.”

And that was the moment that Jared Padalecki realized that he came second to the police. But there was a condition.

“You will finish school, you will go to college and you will join the police but you will never see Jensen Ackles again. He will be warned too. If he goes anywhere near you, he goes to prison for a very long time.”

“But you'll release him now?” Jared clenched his fists so hard to stop himself from falling to pieces. His heart had already shattered and was sitting at the bottom of stomach, broken.

“Straight away.”

Jared nodded, he sort of smiled and once again battled with those fucking tears.

“Can I watch?”

“If that will put an end to it. Yes.”

Jared was moved from his Fathers office to another near the front desk. He was hidden behind blinds as he watched Jensen being led out to the desk. He watched as his belongings were laid on the desk in front of him and signed back into his possession. A bill fold, his stupid fake watch, a book of matches and some loose change. Jared couldn't help it, he fled from the office and ran around to the front deck and threw himself at Jensen.

“I'm so sorry.” 

Two police officers dragged Jared from Jensen’s body and held Jared by his arms restraining him securely.

Jensen shook his head as tears fell slowly down his face. He made a fist and knocked it on the desk three times, then turned and walked from the building. It was the last time Jared ever saw him.

Summer 1998

It had been year to the day on that balmy summer evening when Jared had first met Jensen. Four months later, he had lost him. A year later and Jared still wore the scars. He had lost Karen that night too. He had lost everything he had ever truly loved. It was his sophomore year. And school had become important to him. He did it all for himself. Not once did ever think he should continue to impress his Father. He had found out that night that Chief Padalecki had one priority in life and that was the police. Jared was just a body floating around the house. Jared counted the days until he could leave for college.

Jensen remained in his thoughts every day. Every waking moment was spent thinking about where Jensen was. What he was doing. Who he was doing. Jared decided that perhaps no broken heart can mend, it just hurts a little less every day.  
He knew, no matter how young he had been that he had been utterly in love with Jensen and for all of his faults, Jensen had felt the same. Every day was a step away from Jensen. One day, Jared thought, Jensen would be so far away, he wouldn't be able to see him anymore. He didn't ever want that day to come but knew that it would. Someday.

A lot changes when you're a teenager. One year you're a hairless bag of bones, the next you're two inches taller, sprouting hair all over the place and filling out in all the right places.

Jared looked at his reflection as he stood naked and wet from the shower. He cocked his head to one side and wondered what Jensen would think about him now. Jared still looked boyish but he was on the cusp of boy and man. He felt different. He felt stronger, mentally and physically. He was no longer skinny and wafish. Jared flexed a bicep he had been working on at the gym after school, he was quietly impressed with himself.

Jared had fallen into a certain lifestyle. A lifestyle which he felt protected himself from everything and everyone. He was obsessively tidy. He had a tight, busy schedule which he stuck to, to the letter. He put himself on a sex ban and hadn't dated anyone since Jensen.

Everything in is life was about survival and control. He knew that if he lived like that, then he could survive anything. Anything being, life without Jensen. If he didn't have control then he would fall and fall and never stop falling. He was still in love but couldn't be.

 

WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE – PAULA COLE

Oh you get me ready  
In your '56 Chevy  
Why don't we go sit down in the shade  
Take shelter on my front porch  
The dandelion sun scorching  
Like a glass of cold lemonade


	9. Chapter 9

Spring 2015

Jared had left everything behind in San Antonio. Family. Friends. Memories. And he was fine with that. It had been his choice to move to Austin. It wasn't that far to go home for regular visits. His Father had retired early due to a massive heart attack. He was still a Grade A asshole but now he was an infirm Grade A asshole. Austin PD were lucky to have a detective like Jared. He was driven and had an impeccable record.

He had been up all night going through paperwork and notes. It was usual for him to do so. He rarely slept any more than 4 hours and he was comfortable with that. He looked at his reflection in his hall mirror. Clean shaven, hair a little longer than regulations allow. His suit was fitted to perfection which clung to his now 6ft 4 inch frame. The suit hugged his muscular body tightly, beautiful heavy gray linen and a toning baby blue neck tie. He had grown into a beautiful man. He smoothed his neck tie with its trinity knot sitting neatly around his dress shirt collar. He nodded to himself then kissed his hand and laid it gently on the small black 67 Chevy Impala model which sat alone on a shelf under the mirror.

The police department was heaving with people. There had been a scheduled school visit which weirdly, Jared had forgotten all about. It irked him slightly. Why kids needed to see a load of stressed cops trying to solve grisly murders, he had no idea.   
The paperwork that had kept him up all night was his current case. A multiple homicide. Drug cartel related. The kind of work which made him join the police in the first place. It was gritty and dirty and a huge challenge which always pushed him hard. Some of his colleagues commented quite often that it needn't push him that hard but why join the police if not to lock criminals away. It was his job and he was fully committed to it. Above everything else.

“You look tired.” Jared raised his eyebrows as his partner Jeff sat himself on the edge of Jareds' desk.

“Wow, I have never heard you say that before, Morgan.”

Jeff grinned.

“Is it getting a little old?”

“No, buddy. That's just you.”

“Oh, you kill me with your evil words JP. It's like a dagger to the heart and there's me thinking you loved me.”

Jared laughed and shook his head as Jeff fell backward dramatically and clutched his chest.

Jeff Morgan. One of the good guys and Jared’s partner of almost two years. To look at them they don't look well matched at all. Jared who looks impeccable and drop-dead-gorgeous from dawn to dusk and then there's Jeff, a little older, more grisly and rough around the edges but the guy who keeps Jared from ever becoming too serious. Together they are the best detectives in their department.

“Get any headway with this damn case?” Jeff was now serious, all joking swept to one side.

“Nothing.” Jared leaned back and sighed. “This cartel is solid. Unbreakable. Can't get anyone to talk. And the people who possibly would talk, they all scurried off weeks ago. Gone underground. There's no one.”

“They pulled someone in this morning.”

Jared sat up with wide eyes.

“Why didn't anyone call me?”

“Because people do shit like sleeping JP. Seriously, dude, you need to relax.”

“Where is he? Assuming he's a he.”

“He's a he. Interview room 5. I'm not convinced personally. He's been questioned but there isn’t anything solid. We're releasing him. Guy has form but it's trivial stuff. We're getting desperate for a result, they're pulling anyone in.”

“By association?” Jared stood up, buttoning his suit jacket. 

“Yeah, some guy the Feds have been after for a while. Former acquaintance.”

“Guy's just got a shady past is all. He's taking it all pretty well.”

“Mind if I go in and have a word?”

“Sure, be my guest. It's a bust though.”

Jeff handed Jared a manila folder smeared with coffee.

“You're disgusting.”

“What? I spill. I'm only human.” Jeff laughed then sauntered off to his desk. Jared opened the folder as he walked toward the interview room. A crowd of about 15 small children bustled past him. He closed the folder before getting a chance to look at it and edged along the wall, he was terrible with children and managed only a pathetic wave.

“Wow, that man! He's a giant!”

That at least made him laugh to himself. He edged closer until he found the door knob behind has back and turned it, sliding into the room avoiding contracting cooties. He backed into the room, closing the door carefully. He turned around and every single last drop of blood from his head drained into the rest of his body. He fell back against the door and shook his head.

“When I heard the name Padalecki, I honestly didn't think it would be you.” Jensen sat up slowly. “I'll be damned.”

Jared just shrugged slowly and loosened his necktie. He never loosened his necktie, not until he had one foot in his own home. He felt around for the door knob and opened the door.

“I can't.” He threw the folder on the table in front of Jensen and walked out of the room. Jared bent over double and relaxed his breathing. He retched a little and then stood up as Jeff came strolling along the corridor.

“Hey, JP. Are you okay, buddy?”

“Ghost of boyfriend past.” He signaled with his thumb behind him toward the interview room.

“You dated a crim?” Jeff raised his eyebrows.

“Kinda. In another life.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“No.”

“No matter. I mean, like I said. He seems like he's going straight now. Got nothing on the guy.”

“I know. He's not the guy you're looking for.”

“But is he the droid?”

“Wow.” Jared did a rather cute upside down smile and shook his head. He sighed heavily. “I should go back in there. I need to officially release him. Shit.”

“Want me to?”

“No. I mean. It was like when I was 15 and it ended badly. That's another conversation for another day.”

“Okay. Well, if you're sure?” Jeff smiled affectionately at Jared who still looked obviously peaky.

Jared just nodded and straightened his tie. He walked, with a little more confidence back into the interview room and sat on the edge of the table.

“You look good Jay.”

“Detective Padalecki.” Jared half-smiled. “Well, you're free to go.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Jared held his hands up and then rested them back on his knee. God, Jensen looked good. He was perfectly groomed in an expensive dark gray suit and lilac necktie tied similarly to Jared’s. He had laughter lines sitting like aged bows either side of his unmistakable green eyes. There was a little bit of gray in his hair just above each ear and a peppering in the day old scruff on his chin. Jensen stood up and Jared couldn't help but laugh as he stood up too.

“Sorry.” 

“Wow, you got really huge.” Jensen laughed.

“Yeah puberty does that to a person.”

“Yeah but, Baby Jay. Not a baby any more, right?”

Jared winced at the 'Baby Jay' nickname.

“No, nothing like.”

“Well you look awesome.”

“So do you.” Jared smiled, holding a hand out toward the door.

“Can I take you out for a drink?”

Jared clenched his fists.

“I don't know.”

Jensen knew that his presence had rocked Jared a little. He reached inside his jacket pocket and pulled out a business card.

“If you change your mind.” Jensen smiled and held out a hand. Jared shook it and took the card with his free hand. Jensen walked backward toward the door. “Man, Jared Padalecki. My first and only love.” Jensen winked as he opened the door and left.

Jared glanced down at the card.

JENSEN R. ACKLES

C.E.O

1-866-907-3235

 

“I am so screwed.”

Jared had already broken one of his stupid rules. Never loosen your tie at work. And as he sat in a bar with Jeff, drinking his third glass of wine, he had broken another, alcohol on a work night. He had declined Jeff's offer of whiskey. Jared never drank hard liquor. Not since.

“JP. You're scaring me, brother. Slow down. What the hell did that guy do to you?”

“Nothing really.” Jared sighed. “I was 15 and I had a friend. Karen. Great girl. Cut a long story short, she had a brother. Jensen was 20 at the time.”

“Jail bait!” Jeff shouted and pointed at Jared’s fuming face.

“Thanks. Anyway, we got together and we fell in love. And then someone told the police that he was screwing a 15 year old. Me.”

“Damn. Bet your Dad loved that.”

Jared laughed as he sipped his beer.

“I blackmailed him. My Father. I told him that if he didn't release Jensen, that I'd give up school, college, everything.” Jared shook his head at the memory of it.

“Shit. And he bought it?”

“Course he did. You know what he was like. Is still like. His life has revolved around the police and pushing me into it too. Didn't want to lose face. He let Jensen go the same day and here I am. Detective Padalecki.”

“You loved this guy? When you were 15?”

“Sure I did. Even now, I know I loved him.” Jared smiled to himself. “He was a bit of an ass hole though. Did a lot of drugs. We used to do weed together and suc-” Jared pulled a face then pushed his wine away. “Yeah, I think I need to stop drinking.”

“You should go for a drink with him.”

“You think so?”

“Sure. I mean. I like my men to be women, y'know, like my wife but I've gotta admit, that Jensen is one hot piece of ass.”

“That sounds so creepy when you say stuff like that.” Jared laughed then pulled Jensen’s business card from his pocket. “I'll do it now, before I lose my nerve.”

Jared stepped from the bar stool and pulled his phone from his pocket, along with the beautiful textured business card Jensen had handed him. He walked from the bar and outside. He hated how he was already trembling. Almost twenty years and he felt like a school boy again.

“Ackles.”

“Hey, Jen-Jensen. It's-”

“Jay, you called. I've been thinking about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Always. Never stopped. You free tonight?”

Jared glanced at his watch. It was past 7pm and he was usually at home in lounge pants working.

“I guess. I can't be late. I'm pretty much never off duty.”

“It’s still early, Jay. Where are you?”

“Rileys.”

“I know it. There's a coffee shop just down from there. Meet me there in 15?” 

“Sure. Coffee shop?”

“I'll see you soon.” And Jensen hung up.

Jared stood there, mouth open. He glanced at his reflection in the window. He grimaced. He looked fine but not 'in control' Jared fine. He hastily made his way back inside and found Jeff leaning up against some drunk brunette. Jared slapped Jeff on the back.

“Go home to your wife, douche.”

“I take it you now have other plans?” Jeff slurred as the brunette suddenly lost interest in the handsome bearded detective.

“Kinda. I'm meeting him at the Vintage Heart. How apt. Oh my God. What am I doing?”

“Getting laid. It's about fucking time, Padalecki.”

“Seriously. Go home to your wife. You're cramping my style.”

Jeff slid from his bar stool and laughed.

“I'll see you tomorrow, jail bait.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Jeff slapped Jared on the back, throwing his jacket over his shoulder and staggered from the bar.

Jared rushed to the men’s bathroom and checked his appearance. He was still wearing his badge which he tucked away inside his jacket and straightened his necktie. 

“Shit.”

Jensen was standing outside the bar in a heavy gun-metal gray coat with an upturned collar as Jared stepped outside. Every single feeling he had felt when he was fifteen came flooding back. Although it was different now. He had changed. And so had Jensen. They were both adults and the age difference had become irrelevant. Jensen held out his arms and Jared fell into them without a second thought.

“It feels so good to do this.” Jensen whispered into Jared’s ear. “I've missed you.”

Jared pulled away, his nerves had settled a little.

“Coffee? You look like you could do with one.” Jensen inhaled the boozy scent of Jareds' breath.

“Coffee would be great, thank you.”

The men walked side by side in silence, exchanging the odd 'Fuck, it's you’ smiles. Jensen held the door to the coffee shop open for Jared who was taken aback by Jensen’s manners. 

They sat down next to one another with identical cups of strong sugarless black coffee. Jensen barely took his eyes away from Jared. He took in everything. Just like he had that first night. The intense stare that made a 15 year old Jared feel naked and exposed. It was the same. Like nothing had changed.

“You look good.”

“So you said.” Jared smiled as he sipped his coffee.

“You do though. Detective Padalecki.”

Jared looked down and drew imaginary shapes with his finger over the wooden table.

“What is it you're C.E.O of?” Jared asked, barely able to look Jensen in the eye.

“Nothing interesting. Import/export.”

“Legit?”

“Totally. Been straight for five years now. 40 soon, had to sort my life out.”

“We all do eventually. I'm pleased for you. You look-” Jared wanted to say sexy. Gorgeous. Fuck-worthy. “-you look happy.” Jared rolled his eyes. “I'm sorry. I guess I'm still a little shocked to see you.”

“Just shocked?” Jensen licked his bottom lip. Old habits die hard.

“I'm really happy.” Jared blushed.

“Good. That makes two of us.”

 

THAT OLD FLAME – DON HENLEY

Got a message in my mailbox  
from an old friend I hardly see  
All it said was you were trying  
to get in touch with me

And I stared down at your number  
And I felt passion and I felt fear  
And I wondered what the hell you wanted  
After all these years

Cause there is danger in the embers  
And you have only yourself to blame  
If you get burned when you try to rekindle  
That old flame


	10. Chapter 10

Jared felt overwhelmed in Jensen’s company as a nervous surge of heat washed over his body. He stood up and removed his jacket before he started to sweat right through it. His police badge sat on his hip and an empty holster sat snug around his slender waist.

“No gun?”

“I checked it in.”

“Fuck, you look sexy like that.”

Jared closed his eyes and with a smile, shook his head. He plonked himself down next to Jensen. 

“That's a bit of a cliché.” Jared laughed, leaning forward and sipping his coffee.

“A cliché is a cliché because its truth.”

“Can't argue with that.”

Jared paused for a moment.

“I never thought I'd see you again.”

“Did you want to?” Jensen cocked his head to one side slowly.

“Every day.”

“Has there been anyone else?”

“Yeah.” Jared nodded. “One. Four years.”

“Sorry.” Jensen shifted forward the smallest amount.

“I'm not. He was a dick.”

“A bigger dick than I was?” Jensen laughed. 

“Oh yeah. He stole my car. And screwed someone else in it.”

“Lovely guy. What was his name?”

“Matt.” Jared winced at the name. It had been over three years since he had ever bothered to say the useless pricks' name out loud.  
“Matt is a shitty name anyway.” Jensen said, trying to lighten the mood as he sensed Jareds' pain.

“Sure is.” As Jared watched Jensen there was only one thing he wanted to ask first, more than anything. Flashing like a neon sign at the front of his mind. “Jen?”

“Yeah?”

“You never kissed me.”

“Ah yes. One of life's biggest regrets.” Jensen pulled a face. “I was a fucked up kid.”

“No shit.” Jared clutched his too hot coffee cup tightly as Jensen moved closer still. “You're gonna do it now, aren't you?”

“Case cracked, Sherlock.” Jensen leaned in slowly, holding Jared’s chin between his thumb and his forefinger. “18 fucking years.” Jensen licked his lips then pressed them onto Jared’s mouth gently. It made the most perfect lips on lips sound. Their mouths both dry and but little java-sticky. He pulled away slowly.

“I never thanked you. For what you did. That must have taken some balls to confront your father like that.”

“I couldn't sit and watch it happen, Jen. You hadn't done anything wrong.” Jared hesitated before running the tips of his fingers over Jensen’s hand.

“We were both stupid kids. 20 or not. I was still a kid.”

“Yeah. It was another life.”

Jared had called in an early night much to Jensen’s disappointment. But made a date for dinner the following Sunday evening. His head was spinning when he returned home. He looked a mess. He rarely allowed himself to look so bad when out in public. He had an image to uphold. Even after his morning run he looked pretty decent, if extremely sweaty. He looked in the mirror in his hallway. He looked tired and his trinity knot was fucked to oblivion. He glanced at the Impala on the shelf and smiled to himself. 

“It's happening all over again.”

Jared had a rare free Sunday. He invariably spent it alone, indulging himself. From the moment he had looked over his shoulder at his 15 year old ass clad in cute white panties in his bedroom mirror, something had switched on deep inside his mind. He kept it entirely to himself. Even his ex-boyfriend, Matt, who he lived with for four years, had no idea about Jared’s secret. And he was happy with that. He was always completely private. There was no need, or so he thought, for anyone else to know.

Sunday may be time off, although he was always on standby, day and night, but he still had a huge amount of paperwork to catch up on. He had lost a night after spending it with Jensen. His well-ordered lifestyle had slipped. He needed to keep a tight rein on everything. 

Jared padded through his apartment in bare feet. It was 3pm and he was enjoying a rare drink ahead of his dinner plans with Jensen. A huge glass of his favorite red wine. He had on an oversized gray sweatshirt peppered with silver sequins which hung loosely over one shoulder revealing the strap of a black lace bra that his well toned pecs always filled. A short leather skirt which hugged his ass under which he had on matching black lace panties. His toes were painted in bright crimson. Polish perfectly applied. His hair was up in a tiny messy bun, with loose strands held in place with bobby pins. 

He sat on the floor of his lounge. Paperwork and laptop on the cream rug underneath him and his large glass of wine at his hip. He was struggling with work. Thoughts running away with him constantly thinking about Jensen. He sipped from his wine glass and leaned against the couch behind him, he tipped his head back and let his hands wander over the leather skirt. He let out a tiny whimper and bit into his bottom lip. Jared’s moment with himself was interrupted by a knock at his door. No one ever knocked unless they had been specifically invited and usually they use the intercom before they even manage to get anywhere near his front door. He crept up slowly, tugging his skirt over his semi hard dick and padded through to the hall, careful to not make a single sound. He pressed his face against the door and looked through the spy hole.

Jensen.

“I can hear you, Jay.”

Jared frowned and then leaned back against the wall next to the door.

“I'm kinda busy, Jen.” Jared looked down at his clothes as if just looking at them would turn them into something a little more masculine.

“Don't tell me you're turning me away. We're having dinner later. I have something for you.”

“Hold on. How did you find out where I live?” Jared asked with a frown.

“That doesn't matter. Let me in?” 

“Jen, I can't. I mean.” Jared thought fast. It was Jensen who started this. It was Jensen who bought him the slutty little cheerleaders outfit in the first place. It was Jensen who made him feel sexy in it. Damn him.

“Okay but, just prepare yourself.”

“Okay?” Jensen said with a quizzical frown.

Jared unlocked the door and peered around the gap, his sweater fell over his shoulder, revealing his obvious bra strap. Jensen raised his eyebrows slowly then pulled a huge bouquet of flowers from behind his back.

Jared laughed softly, his head resting on the door frame.

“It had to be you who found out about this.” Jared opened the door fully, his face flushing pink. A contrast to his immaculate suits he wears at work. “It's your fault anyhow.” Jared took the flowers and buried his face in the huge bunch of expensive antique pink roses.

“You look gorgeous.”

“Thank you. Come in.” 

Jensen kissed Jared on the cheek gently, turning and shutting the door behind him. He saw the car beneath the mirror immediately.

“Jay.” He whispered. Jensen turned around slowly, his eyes pricking with tears. “A little homage?”

“Yeah.” Jared felt himself being pressed against the wall of his hallway as Jensen leaned in and kissed him once. Jensen rested a hand on Jared’s hip, his fingers rubbing against the leather. Jared pulled away, his loose hair that wasn't tied from his face, falling over his eyes.

“Would you like a glass of wine?”

“Just water would be fine.”

Jensen watched with fascination as Jared walked ahead of him. There was a liquid movement in his hips he hadn't seen when he was Detective Padalecki on Wednesday night.

“Damn, Jay. It's like you're on springs.” Jensen wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“It's my secret.” Jared rolled his eyes slightly as he set the roses down on the kitchen counter. “Now, yours. I guess.”

“Let me see you.” Jensen held his arms out and Jared walked around the counter and then leaned against it. He looked feminine. Huge but graceful and poised. Jensen held Jared’s hands out then whistled.

“God, you're beautiful like this.” 

Jared looked down, feeling so shy.

“I know we said we'd take it slow but damn I could take you to bed right now ma'am.”

“Jensen.” Jared whispered.

“Can I at least kiss until you until our jaws ache?”

Jared grabbed hold of Jensen’s tie and pulled him in against his body. 

“Later. Drinks first.” Jared curled his body away and dipped under Jensen’s arm which was resting on the edge of the counter. He opened the refrigerator, bending slightly knowing full well that Jensens' eyes were following his every move. He shut the door the, handing Jensen a cool bottle of water. “Glass?”

“Nah, you're good.” 

Jared took Jensen’s hand and led him through to the large obsessively tidy living room, all for the paperwork strewn across the floor.  
They sat on the couch, opposite ends. Jared stretched his long legs out between them.

“Y'know. I have lost quite a few hours of work ever since you came back.”

“Is that a problem?” Jensens' eyes constantly fell over every inch of Jareds' body.

“I have routine in my life. I'm not a devil-may-care teenage boy any more, Jen. My work is important to me.”

“Of course. You worked hard to get where you are.”

“I have.” Jared nodded. “But-” Jared chewed the inside of his mouth. “-Jen, why are you here?”

“I want us to start again.” Jensen said honestly.

“We're different people now.” 

“Better people.”

“That too.”

“All the signs are saying we should do this.” Jensen laughed a little, exhaling a scoff through his nose, directed at himself. “Let's not talk about this now. Tell me about you. This.” Jensen pointed at Jareds' clothes.

“It's weird for me.”

“Why?”

“This has been something private. For so long.”

“Was it really that Halloween costume that started it?”

Jared laughed and nodded. His mouth full of red wine, he managed to swallow. Just.

“Yeah.” Jared blushed. “I suppose you could call it a release. I needed something in my life. Something that wasn't going to hinder my future or affect my health. Something I could keep quiet.”

“You look sexy. Are you wearing matching bra and panties?” Jensen ignored Jareds' honest response.

“Sh-shit. Jen.” Jared nodded slowly.

“Fuck.” Jensen took a huge gulp of his water and ran a hand over his hair.

“And no. I wear boxers to work, just in case you were going to ask.” Jared laughed. “It's purely an indulgence. Like you with your drugs.”

Jensen shifted a little, shaking his head.

“It's been a long while. I don't.”

“It's okay. I mean, you were young and-”

Jensen cut Jared off.

“It got worse. It got a whole lot worse after I left San Antonio.”

Jared scooted up the couch. He hadn't seen Jensen so on the cusp of sharing before. He hadn't ever known him at all when he thought about it. A dangerous stranger.

“You don't have to, if you don't want to.” Jared allowed a brief sympathetic smile flicker across his lips.

“It's fine. It was the crack, mostly. Booze too. I got in deep. Found myself living in New York with the wrong kinda people. It was Karen, eventually. She got me out of it. Went to rehab and I've been clean for 14 years.”

“New York?” Jared frowned how someone could suddenly find themselves several states over and addicted to crack.

“Yeah. Chad. Remember him?” 

Jared nodded with a wry smile.

“He had business there. Can't even remember what it was about now. That time was kinda fuzzy. Crack does that to a person. Anyhow, I got left behind. Or so I'm told. And Karen, bless that kids heart, she found me, just at the right time. Docs' said any longer, I would have died.”

“Makes sense us meeting at the coffee shop now.” Jared paused. “Jesus Jen. I'm so sorry.”

“Hey, I'm not. Look at me now. Successful business, own home and now I've found the love of my life.”

Jared couldn't help chuckle at Jensens' honest but ridiculous claim.

“Hasn't there been anyone else?”

“A few. But no one has really knocked me off my feet. And besides, the older I got, the weirder it became that I was still pining after a 15 year-old. Not something you share with anyone. It got me into trouble the first time around.”

Jared snorted at the memory.

“I'm pleased you're well now. You look well.” Jared paused for a moment, just watching Jensen sip at his water and marveling at how the lines around his eyes crinkled with even the slightest upward curve of his lips.

“I feel great. And hey, Karen is doing good too. Married with two kids. A little boy-” Jensen reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet, removing from it a photograph. “-and a little girl. They will be 5 and 7 this year.”

“Wow, that's, that's crazy.” Jared moved closer, his leather clad hip bumping against Jensens' thigh. “Beautiful. Little girl looks like Karen.”

“Well, Madison certainly has her sass and Mason. Well, he's a little shit, just like his uncle.” Jensen laughed, tucking the photo back into his wallet next to a shiny sobriety chip.

“You have no idea how happy I am that you're okay. And more so, that you're here.”

Jensen let his hand drop lazily, his upturned fingers running over Jared’s solid bare thigh.

“Me too.” Jensen replied simply.

“I have this song. That reminds me of you.”

“You do?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “Would you mind if I?”

“Sure, go ahead.” Jensens' hand reluctantly slipped away from Jareds' thigh as Jared stood up, day was slowly turning into night as he walked across the living room and turned the lights on dimly. He set his glass next to his iPod and turned it on.

“Bryan Adams? Seriously?” Jensen stood up and shook his head.

“Embrace it. Listen to the words.” Jared whispered, holding out two hands. Jensen took Jared’s hands gently then pulled him in, taking him into hold. They moved a little stiffly at first but as the music and lyrics sank in, they sank in to one another.

“Everything has changed now, hasn't it?”

Jensen pressed his cheek against Jared’s and nodded against it.

“'fraid so. Are you worried?” Jensen whispered.

“No.” Jared trembled against Jensens' body. He lied. He was worried. He was also terrified. 18 years, living his life. His choices were his own. His relationships, his one night stands. Everything he did through his choice and his choice alone. Jensen had been back in his life for only a few days and Jared felt himself lose a slight grip on his well-ordered life. No matter how young Jared had been when he had fallen in love with Jensen and no matter how controlling Jensen had been at the time, Jared felt compelled to be with him. It felt right. As if for all that time he had wandered the earth as only half a person. He felt entirely whole as Jensen’s arms roamed his body. Arms that were meant to be there. A man who he had never stopped loving.

“Don't leave me again.” Jared inhaled the words.

“Never gonna. After all-” Jensen moved Jared around slowly along to the music. “-it seems we have a song now.” Jensen laughed softly.

“To me, this was always our song.” Jared drew his head back slowly, he paused as he met Jensens' full lips. “Let's skip dinner.” 

 

HEAVEN – BRYAN ADAMS

Oh - thinkin' about all our younger years  
There was only you and me  
We were young and wild and free

Now nothin' can take you away from me  
We've been down that road before  
But that's over now  
You keep me comin' back for more


	11. Chapter 11

Jared felt himself being slowly backed up against the wall, Jensen pressed his lips against Jared’s, slightly parted and kissed Jared slowly. Jared had waited so long to feel Jensen's mouth against his. No seedy shotgunning, just his lips, kissing and nipping. Jared couldn't help but gasp, a gasp that sounded so needy. Jensen responded by locking his mouth over Jared's, drawing his lips in turn into his mouth.

Jensen's hands behaved exactly how that had that Halloween night 18 years ago. They roamed Jared's body, unable to settle anywhere for even a moment.

“Jared.” Jensen whispered. “I love you. My baby.” Jensen's right hand settled on Jared's hip, he palmed the leather of Jared's mini skirt, his fingers sliding up it like a teenager.

“Jensen.” Jared was gasping out every word he spoke. “Do you?”

“I do.”

“Jesus fuck.” Jared couldn't help but laugh at his own childish response. Everything was suddenly ridiculous and very real. “Take me to bed. Show me.”

Jensen held Jared around the waist as they walked to the bedroom. Jared's bedroom was like a dream. Cream, to tone with the rest his apartment with gold accents giving the room a warm cozy glow. 

Jared sat on the bed, moving backward as gracefully as he could until he was sat neatly against a pile of cushions.

“I figure you want me like this for a little while longer.” Jared purred, legs stretching out over the comforter.

“God, yes.” Jensen took off his jacket and necktie, discarding them on the floor. Jared was keen to see Jensen's older body and watched intently as Jensen unbuckled his belt, cocking his head as he removed his pants while toeing his shoes off.

“Leave the rest. Want to undress you.” Jared held out a hand which Jensen ignored, instead he moved to the foot of the bed and sat leaning over wrapping his fingers around Jared's left foot.

“These look so damn pretty.” 

Jensen rubbed his thumb over Jared's perfectly manicured crimson toes.

“Jen, please.” 

“Still impatient.” Jensen chuckled as he moved up the bed, body hovering over Jared's large frame.

“Have you seen you?” 

Jensen laughed again, leaning down and kissing Jared softly.

“No fucking. Just love making.” Jensen whispered into Jared's mouth.

Jared reached out, fingers sliding over the tiny pearl buttons of Jensen's shirt, popping each one carefully, his mouth still busy being seduced. Jensen's body was tanned, there was little definition but he was perfect. His belly was taut and chest smooth with the tiniest smattering of hair. Jared tugged at the waistband of Jensen's black briefs as Jensen shrugged off his shirt, pulling away from the kiss. He quickly pulled his socks off, huffing at the inconvenience of it and then wrapped a firm hand around Jared’s.

“There's something.” Jensen winced a little.

“Something?” 

Jensen lightly set Jared's eager hand onto his lap then pulled down one side of his briefs to below his hip.

“Oh my God. You didn't?” Jared burst out laughing. Jensen at first took a little offense but could see the funny side.

“Yeah.” Jensen said sheepishly. “I kinda did.”

“Wow, that's so. Tacky.”

“I was 20. I was an idiot.” Jensen looked down as Jared ran a thumb over two badly tattooed letters 'JP' on his left hip.

“How the hell do you explain that to people?” Jared chuckled.

“With the truth.” Jensen said seriously as he pulled his briefs down over his semi-hard dick. Jared whimpered as he helped slide the briefs over Jensen's bowed thighs.

“You're more gorgeous than ever.” 

“No, I'm afraid that's you, sweetheart.” Jensen laid next to Jared, keen to feel over his body. “I wanna see your underwear.” Jensen ran a finger under the hem of the sweater and pulled it up and over Jared's bra.

Jared swallowed so hard that he heard it. No one had ever seen him like this. No one except Jensen, all those years ago and yet he felt nervous and a little self-conscious. Jensen cupped a hand over the lace of the bra and gave it a squeeze.

“You have beautiful tits. Always did.” 

Jared gasped at Jensen's words, his dick stiffening inside his panties. Jared sat up a little and removed the sweater, he threw it behind him then unzipped his tiny little skirt. He wriggled free watching Jensen watching him.

“God.” Jensen panted out as Jared laid in front of him. His body was perfect. Defined and tight. Tanned a little more than Jensen's but almost perfect. 

Jensen settled a hand over Jared's lace panties with clung around his ass like a second skin, then gripped Jared around the waist pulling him a little further down the bed. He moved between Jared's thighs, mouth breathing hot over Jared's lace clad cock. He sucked at the fabric feeling the pliant softness of Jared's erection. His wet mouth spread a pool of saliva which seeped into the lace. Jared reached down and momentarily stroked Jensen's hair who was sliding Jared's panties down carefully over his cock and to his thighs. He pulled them off completely and threw them over his shoulder ensuring they landed on his pile of clothes.

“I'm keeping those.” Jensen growled, licking over Jared's bobbing cock.

Jared lifted his legs up and open, arching his back, molding his body into the most beautiful and inviting shape. Jensen groaned at the smoothness of Jared's skin. There wasn't a single hair anywhere. He was perfectly waxed and baby soft smooth.

“Oh God. This is worse than the first time around.” Jensen remarked quite plainly as he settled in between Jared's thighs.

“I hope that's a good thing?” Jared gasped as Jensen went about licking every inch of Jared's balls, cock and occasionally teasing his soft smooth taint.

“Oh yeah.” Jensen breathed over Jared's dick. “You're my new vice.”

Jared arched his back so hard he felt a slight click as Jensen gently bit into his groin, dangerously close to the delicate skin of Jared's sac.

“Jen. Fuck.” 

Jensen licked and sucked, burying his face into Jared's spit soaked balls. Moans and deep wanton growls vibrated against Jared's skin as Jensen lost himself, stopping every so often to inhale Jared's musky scent. Jensen left a trail of sloppy kisses over Jared's belly, moving snake like over his body. His hands cupped Jared's little bra, fingers gripping Jared's firm, tanned tits. His fingers massaged against the fabric, pushing the wire-less bra up and over Jared's pebbled nipples. Jensen teased them both, rolling the peaks around between his fingers and thumbs, pulling and plucking until Jared let out loud desperate whimpers.

“Jen. I want you inside me, please baby.” Jared spoke on a wave of gasps and moans.

“Lube?” Jensen asked hurriedly.

“Top drawer.”

Jensen reached over and fumbled about in the top drawer of Jared's night stand. His hands felt about through numerous packets of condoms and a huge rubbery dildo which he pulled out and held up in front of Jared's desperate face.

“Hey, c'mon. I have needs.” Jared laughed softly, nudging Jensen playfully. Jensen placed it back into the drawer, a photograph of a handsome dark haired man with his arm around Jared, his face squashed up against his cheek, caught his eye, he felt underneath it and found a small bottle of lube.

Jared stilled and suddenly drew his legs up, defensive and tugging his comforter over his exposed dick as a wave of concern washed over him.

"Jen. Please. I-I can't do this."

"Jay. Why?" 

"On Tuesday I was living my life. Doing my job and now it's Sunday and we're here. Again. And it's you."

"Why should time make any difference?" Jensen sat up on his side.

"Because it just does." Jared knew he wasn't coming across as eloquent as he would like. Falling instead into language his juvenile mouth used to spout. 

"Jay. Maybe, maybe I am coming across a little hot and heavy but baby, we're both adults here."

"Exactly. We are adults now. I don't know why you're even here."

"You asked me to take you to bed.”

"No. I mean Austin."

"Uh. I live here. We just haven't crossed paths is all."

"I find that odd."

Jensen was becoming noticeably riled. Jared had seen that face before. When things weren't going his way. 

"Austin is a big place, Jay."

"I guess."

"It's fate, darlin'."

"Oh shut up." Jared wasn't entirely annoyed by that statement, his fingers toyed with the Bobby pins in his hair. He slid them out one by one, placing them on his nightstand. 

"Do you want me to go?"

Apparently there is a thin between yes and no. 

"I don't know." 

"You have a scary, very used dildo in your nightstand next to a photograph of your ex boyfriend. You should throw that out by the way. I think at least we should fuck."

Jared blinked as he pulled the band from his hair.

"Wow. That is one hell of a loaded pile of shit to come out of a person's mouth." Jared sat up. "Firstly, even if I were in a relationship with you, I would still fuck myself with my toy. I like it. Secondly, no. It's my past and no matter how much Matt Cohen fucked me over, we had some good times together and they mean something to me. And thirdly, I don't want you in my life just to fuck."

"I love it when you're like this." Jensen smirked a little, daring to sidle up to Jared. 

"You haven't even seen me like this." Jared sat forward and unhooked his bra. "I'm not 15 Jen. You can't push me around any more."

"I have no intention of doing so."

"Fine. And my answer is yes. Stay."

"Can you unwrap yourself from that dumb comforter now?"

"Sure." All for the crimson toes, Jared looked like Jared again. Hair down and wayward, body free of satin and lace. Just an expanse of muscle. Jensen impatient, pushed the comforter away, sinking back between Jared’s open legs. 

"That dildo." Jensen arched an eyebrow as his tongue slid over Jareds sac.

"Yeah?"

"It’s double ended." Jensen laid his wet tongue at the base of Jared’s dick. 

"Sure is." Jared chuckled. 

"Interesting. Ever used it with anyone else?"

“Nope.”

“Well that's okay then.” 

Jared bit his lip as Jensen’s tongue trailed slowly up the shaft of his dick, ending its journey with a twist over the head. 

"Jen." 

It was all Jared had to breathe out before he felt Jensen against his body. He couldn't ignore the way their bodies slotted together like two fleshy jigsaw pieces. He couldn't ignore the way Jensen was looking at him. There was lust in his eyes, and Jensen wouldn't deny it. But it was more. It was love. And it terrified Jared to his very soul. 

"I told you."

"Wha'?"

"That I love you."

Jared kissed him. Nothing he could say at this point would carry any weight. In fact he had no words at all. Jensen felt heavy against Jared's mouth. Open to anything. 

They fucked all night. In between fucking, they made love. They showered and ate food and then started all over again. 

It was nothing like when they had first been together. 15 year old Jared thought Jensen was a man of the world. So grown up, no longer a teenager. He had his own shitty apartment and muscle car and he was a young gay boys wet dream. But Jensen had been as much of a kid as Jared had. Both clueless to the ways of the world and no wiser as to how relationships worked. They were young and wild and carefree.   
Time and experience had put them now in a different place. They were more equal than they had ever been. As much as having Jensen back blew Jared's mind, he was, in the back of his mind, cautious. Jensen's declaration of love or not, Jared was refusing to open himself up and find himself fucked over, all over again.

It was 5 am. A little after. Jared was in the kitchen making coffee while Jensen finished up in the shower. He emerged wearing a towel around his waist. It was barely there, Jared had bigger towels, of course but this was Jensen. And sometimes, people don't change as much as they think they do.

“You know that's a hand towel, right?”

“Are you complaining or telling me you have towel categories?”

“The second one.” Jared handed Jensen a cup of beautifully made coffee in a cobalt blue china cup, hand painted with silver swallows.

“And you have fancy china.”

“I like nice things. And careful, my coffee can be a bit of a colon cleanser.”

“Noted.”

“I meant to ask.” Jared walked around to the counter and pulled himself up on top, legs swinging then stopping to pull Jensen in as he hooked his feet around the back of Jensen's knees. “The car. Do you still have her?”

Jensen licked his lips and laughed.

“She's parked downstairs.”

“Oh, are you kidding?”

“I am not. She's a family heirloom. My grandpa got her when she rolled off fresh from the factory floor. It's never known anyone but an Ackles behind the wheel.”

“Wow. That's quite a legacy and actually way cooler than having nothing but penises and cops in your family.”

Jensen laughed loudly which made Jared jump out of his skin. He watched him carefully, creasing up at Jared's joke and thought to himself.

'Oh, you can definitely stay.'

 

TRULY MADLY DEEPLY – SAVAGE GARDEN

I'll be your dream  
I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy  
I'll be your hope I'll be your love  
Be everything that you need  
I'll love you more with every breath  
Truly, madly, deeply do  
I will be strong I will be faithful  
'cause I'm counting on  
A new beginning  
A reason for living  
A deeper meaning, yeah


	12. Chapter 12

Jared had purposely turned down Jensen's offer of dinner for a week. The cartel homicide case was still unsolved and his chief was pushing for results. Jared and Jeff had been dragged into his office the Monday after Jared and Jensen's epic night of love-making where the partners' policing was unfairly scrutinized by their superior who clearly hadn't had his morning coffee. Jared was running on empty, no food, an aching body, a skipped morning run and all on little more than two hours sleep.

Padalecki and Morgan nodded and hummed when it was needed and made hollow promises that they would tie the case up soon. They both individually, had good records, but together they were dynamite. Both had made rods for their own backs and felt that their chief was always expecting some kind of Minority Report pre-cog policing from them both. Neither were slacking, although Jared felt that perhaps he needed to put his head back in the game rather than between Jensen's thighs. At least until the case was done and dusted.

Jared unbuttoned his jacket, flopping down at his desk. He rubbed his face and groaned. Jeff perched himself on the edge, butt shoving against a pile of manila folders. He was casual compared to Jared. Nice dress shirt which was rolled up at the sleeves to just below his elbows. His non-reg holster fitting a little too tightly around his broad frame. He was always either eating or drinking something gross. This morning a breakfast burrito which stank to high heaven, it made Jared want to heave.

“You look like shit. More than usual.”

Jared dragged his fingers down his face and glared at Jeff.

“For once, I agree.” Jared frowned at his partners' attire. “You know, no one wears holsters Jeff, you really should rid of it.”

“Shut up, it makes me look hot. What's up?”

“I spent the night with Jensen. We were, uh, meant go out for dinner but wound up fu-” Jared blushed. “-all night.”

“Yeah, spare me the details. But hey, you got laid at last.”

“Thanks, Morgan.” 

“Better than using a whacked out dildo on yourself.”

“How did you-” Jared dropped his head on his desk.

“I didn't, I just got lucky.” Jeff was smirking, cheeks puffed out full of stinky burrito. “It was a stab in the dark. Which actually sounds like it could be a tag line for a dildo.”

“I pity your wife.” Jared looked up reaching for his bottle of water on his desk.

“So does she. Listen. You are allowed a personal life, buddy. I'm happy for you. I know what this job is like. It's all consuming. I mean, we have seen some fucked up shit and it's a crazy life but it isn't the only life. You need this. Trust me.”

“I guess. It's just that, he's pretty intense. Even when we were kids he was like it.”

“He seems to like you.”

“He loves me.” Jared leaned back. He felt a little more relaxed knowing he could pretty much tell Jeff anything and he would never judge him.

“Wow, that's huge.”

“Yeah. Anyway. We need to get our heads down. Drink after work?”

“You buyin'?”

“Do I have any choice in the matter?”

Jeff just grinned.

By the time Jared and Jeff shuffled into their regular bar, Rileys, it was 10pm. It had been a long day, non stop. Still no closer. An endless stream of false leads and uncooperative suspects. 

"I feel like sleeping forever." Jared reached into his pocket and rejected the seventh phone call he had gotten from Jensen that day. 

"I’m getting fucking bored with it. I mean, who cares? Really?"

"Morgan. A kid died."

"A criminal. He was a criminal."

"Still a kid.” 

"Stop hanging up on him." Jeff knocked back a finger of whiskey.

"You can't hang up on someone you're not actually taking to. And besides, it's easier than telling him no."

"I don't understand you. Why are you pushing him away?"

"Work."

"Fuck work. Fuck your boyfriend instead."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Am I not?" 

Jensen was stood right behind both Jared and Jeff. Jared slid from his bar stool and approached Jensen slowly. 

"Are you okay being in here?"

"Sure. You're worth the risk. I've been calling you all day but I guess you've been busy."

"Yeah. Sorry."

Jeff looked at Jared and raised his eyebrows. 

"Are you going to introduce me?" Jeff beamed holding out a hand to Jensen. "You know, without you being a murder suspect and all." Jared’s eyes widened but Jensen laughed and shook Jeff's hand. "Jeff, this giants partner of two years."

"Jensen, I'm his -" Jared shot Jensen a look of permission.

"Boyfriend. He's my boyfriend." Jared felt himself blush from the tips of his ears to his toes, which he remembered were still painted red. 

Jeff looked like a proud mom as Jensen slipped a hand around Jared’s waist and kissed his cheek. 

"Ugh. You're both so good looking, it makes me sick."

"I put up with this every day." Jared huffed with a smile. 

"Not everyone is as perfect as you JP."

"Well, that's something we can agree on Jeff." Jensen was all charm.

"I'll leave you two love birds to do whatever it is you homos do when you're in love." 

"The same as 'regular people', Morgan."

"But slightly more avant garde." Jensen added with a wicked grin.

Jeff mock shuddered, saying his goodbyes as he made his way to join colleagues at a pool table.

"That's the second time I've ditched him for you in as many weeks." Jared pulled on his jacket and quickly finished his glass of wine.

"He doesn't seem to mind."

"No. He's a good guy. One of the best, as they say. I think he's more interested in my love life than I am." Jared winced. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. It's okay. Have you eaten today?" 

"Well I inhaled the fumes of a $2 burrito this morning but I don't think that counts." Jared chuckled. 

"Come home with me. I'm a helluva good cook."

"Is that so?" Jared looked down at Jensen, straightening the collar on his coat and brushing away invisible lint.

"I make the best homemade pasta. Little drop of olive oil, fresh basil and a hint of garlic."

"I think I have a food boner. I'm sold."

Jared took Jensen’s arm, leaving the comfortable warmth and boozy atmosphere of the bar and stepped outside. And there she was, Jensen’s baby. She looked the same. Sleek and black, although Jared thought a little smaller, but that was just him. She was in mint condition not a scratch, smear or dent. Like she had been frozen in time. 

"You know. I always thought she was a little douchey."

"No. That was just me." Jensen chuckled, holding the door open with a slight bow for Jared who got in, and immediately cracked his head on the roof. "Sorry, you've kinda outgrown her." 

"It's fine, I can crouch." Jared pulled an upside down smile and watched a very out of place businessman climb in next to him.

"You drive this, to work?"

"No. I have a Lincoln Continental with optional chauffeur." Jensen laughed over the purr of the Impalas engine. "I got Baby out for you. But I drive her for pleasure most weekends. Stops her from sulking."

"How successful is your business?"

"Very. It's a lucrative one. Wasn't going to go down the same route as my old man. Almost did but, let's call it divine intervention."

"Is that what they call rehab these days?"

Jensen almost didn't smile. The road to his sobriety had been a tough one. Not unusual for anyone battling addiction. But for Jensen he had had to remove himself completely from everyone he knew. There wasn't one person within his circle of friends whom he could trust. He had no one. No one except Karen. 

"Something like that."

"So go on. You said you've been straight for five years. You already have a successful business. Taking in profit?"

"Oh yeah."

"Did it really start off legit? I'm off duty, you can tell me." Jared chuckled. 

"Of course not. You know me too well. But it is now. I'm worth millions."

Jareds eyes widened. 

"How many and do the IRS know?"

"A few. Double figures. And yes, I'm a respected businessman these days."

Jared let out a surprised whistle then toyed with the collar of Jensen’s coat.

"My boyfriend is hot and rich."

"Ah. So, I’m your boyfriend now, am I?"

"Wow, I am such a gold digging tramp."

Jared leaned back, not only was it easier than grazing his head on the roof of the car, it was a familiar position. 

1997

"What are you looking at baby boy?" Jensen gave Jared a side eyed glance, his lips working out a smirk.

"Just you, Jenny." Jared barely filled his side of the bench seat. Limbs and skinny frame stretched out as if he was on a beach lounger.   
"It's rude to stare."

"Not at you it isn't."

"It's rude to stare." There wasn't a trace of smirk on Jensen’s face as he turned to Jared. 

"Not at you it isn't, Jenny."

Jensen's apartment was plush. It was his work base home, telling Jared that he has a house out of town during the weekend. It had better views of the city than Jared's own place. The living room was huge and two-tired with floor to ceiling picture windows which made the city night lights look like a huge painting.

“This place is incredible. I love the view.” Jared stood looking out of the window, his hands in his pockets. Jensen came up behind him, hand running up one arm.

“The view is incredible.” Jensen caught Jared's eye in the windows' reflection, amber lights from the city below distorting their features. “You know, from the moment I saw you again, all I have wanted to do is bring you back here and fuck you against this window. Let everyone see how fucking beautiful you are.” Jensen pulled Jared's suit jacket from his shoulders.

“Jen. I want that.” 

“I thought you wanted my pasta?” Jensen’s fingers felt around the complicated trinity knot on Jared's necktie, Jensen untied it with ease as his body sank against Jared's, pushing him against the glass.

“Suddenly.” Jared gasped. “Suddenly not hungry.”

“Undress for me. But, don't turn around.” 

Jared heard echoes of their past relationship ringing in his ears. But he told himself that it's different now and he couldn't ignore the soft coaxing feeling in his dick. Nor the pounding in his chest.  
He heard Jensen walk away as he unbuttoned his shirt and unbuckled his pants. His pants fell heavy around his ankles, weighted by his belt and badge. He clumsily shucked them off with his shoes and socks as an ottoman appeared to his left side. As he looked up at the window, Jensen was behind him in his eye line, naked and holding a small bottle lube.

“I want you to put one foot on the ottoman, it won't slide. And then bend over for me.”

Jared closed his eyes, his dick was now fully erect and dripping pre-come onto the light gray carpet between his feet. Jensen placed a soft kiss between Jared's shoulder blades as Jared placed his splayed hands against the glass and bent over. His dick and balls hung obscenely between his legs, swinging deliciously. Jensen clamped a hand over them, as well as he could from between Jared's thighs, he barely touched, just letting the natural movement from Jared's trembling body allowing them to brush against the palm of his hand.

“You look gorgeous.” Jensen breathed in the scent of Jared's now faded cologne and a days worth of work sweat.

“Jenny. Are you gonna fuck me, or tease me?” As he spoke, Jared heard the click of the plastic lube bottle, half of the contains were squeezed down between his ass cheeks. The bottle hit the floor and Jensen's chest was pressed up against Jared's back, a hand was now sloppily massaging the lube over his hole.

“Fuck you. You're just being my impatient baby Jay again.” Jensen's voice was a deep throaty growl which made Jared shiver. Jared's fingers, although sweaty enough to cling to the window, slipped a little as he felt Jensen coax open his ass hole with a slippery thumb. “Bend for me a little more, Jay.” Jared complied.

Jensen pushed in two fingers, which Jared fucked down on with a dirty bounce. Jensen egged him on, a hand on Jensen's hip guiding him onto his fingers. Jensen dipped his head to watch Jared's dick bob a stream of stringy clear pre-come onto the floor.

“God, you love this.” Jensen growled, scissoring his fingers, curling them around to scratch at Jared's prostate, which made Jared huff a steamy breath against the window. “I'm not stopping until you come all over my beautiful view.” Jared's teeth bit into his bottom lip as his ass hole was suddenly empty of Jensen's fingers. He heard the unmistakable sound of the foil condom wrapper opening, followed by a groan as Jensen slipped in onto his gorgeous thick dick. As Jensen entered him, Jared lost his footing on the ottoman which was swiftly kicked up flush against the glass, just as Jared's body hit the cold window. His dick streaking pre-come against the glass.

Jensen fucked him, just like he promised. Unrelenting thrusts until Jared's hands squeaked against the window. They were pretty high up, but close enough to other buildings to give neighbors a live sex show. Neither cared as they grunted through it. Jensen pulling on Jared's hair with one hand and gripping Jared's red, sloppy dick with the other, his arm braced against Jared's flank, keeping himself upright.

“Jensen. Please.”

“Say it. I wanna hear.”

“Harder. Fuck, I hate myself but please, harder!”

Jared's entire body shook as Jensen deepened his cock, screwing into Jared's tight, wet hole. The screwing morphed into full on crazy fucking, skin slapping against skin, Jared's dick flicking pre-come in every direction. And fuck it hurt. Not just the thickness of Jensen's dick stretching Jared's rim but the drag of flesh against glass, sticky sweat doing nothing more than gluing Jared in place. Jensen gave Jared' a bumpy squeeze around the base of his cock, milking it for more pre-come which was leaving Jared's body in syrupy streams.

Jensen tensed against Jared's back, Jared so in tune with his boyfriends' body that he nodded frantically. 

“Do it. And jack me. Jack me so I come with you.”

Jensen came before Jared had finished his screaming out his plea. Jared felt the warmth of Jensen's spunk through the rubber and shot his own load up against the window only moments later. Both men grunted and moaned through the aftershocks, panting against one another, Jensen using Jared to hold himself up, legs like Jell-O. Jensen rested his chin on Jared's shoulder, who turned around, sweaty hair forming tendrils over his eyes.

“You okay, lover?”

“Y-yeah. More than.” 

Jensen kissed Jared, sucking his sweaty top lip into his mouth.

“Please share any other fantasies you have, because that was really-” Jared huffed out a breathy laugh “-fucking crazy.”

 

TROYE SIVAN – TOUCH

Night is young and we're living  
Hands move, moving steady  
And the time is moving slower  
I can feel we're getting closer  
closer, yeah


	13. Chapter 13

The last month had been blissful for Jared and Jensen. Spending time at both their apartments and weekends at Jensen’s huge house out of town. It was spacious and had a lot of land around it. Well manicured shrubs and trees around a lush green lawn in the middle which sat a summer house where they spent much of their time reading, eating Jensen’s insane cooking and making love. They had slotted back together so well that the initial negative feelings Jared wrestled with had dissipated away to nothing. 

Jared had managed to find a good balance between his work and his love life, since Jensen worked pretty hard too they settled into a well structured but easy going life together.   
This was made easier by a good result regarding the exhausting cartel case. The DEA had successfully shut down the cartel which was small fry but with the potential to go big, so it was drinks all around at the APD. There was however the small matter of the homicide. Nothing stuck. As much as every member of the cartel was pulled in and questioned there was never enough evidence to convict anyone. It was a frustrating blip alongside a happy ending. 

It was a Tuesday and Jared was on a late shift having left Jensen happy and sated in bed after a dinner time fuck. 

"JP. We got him!" Morgan was almost bouncing on the spot in excitement. 

"We have?"

"Sure have. Little shit has a smart mouth on him. I say little, the guy isn't far off 40. Thinks he's 19. That kid is gonna have a tough time behind bars." Jeff handed Jared a manila folder. A little thick and weighty. 

"Got form?"

"Yeah. Shit loads."

Jared opened the folder, undoing his jacket button before he sat down, as he read he sat with a slump. 

"I know him. Fuck. I know this guy."

"What is it with you and ex cons?"

"Yeah. It's not like that. Oh God."

Chad Michael Murray. Straight acting gay fuck head and his big tacky house and orgy parties. Drug dealer, addict, grade A felon and now a grade A murderer. Awesome.

“So tell me. You know him how?”

“Jensen. It was years ago. We went to this Halloween party at this guys' house. Awful tacky place, half expected to see Alexis Carrington to walk down the stairs.”

“You are too young to remember Dynasty properly.”

“True, but I am gay.”

“Oh, you big homosexual cliché you.”

“Any way.” Jared laughed a little at Jeff's comment. “I knew then, even at 15 that he was a massive douche. And it was clear that the money had been obtained by shady means.”

“Yeah, his father right?”

“Well, I didn't know that. Tell me.”

“Drugs. Simple as. It's the go to crime for people with small brains.”

“Hm.” Jared thought about Jensen and the innocent dealing in weed he did back in the day but pushed it away, it was nothing. No one died. “I think I should tell Jensen.”

“Oh about him.”

Jared felt his guts drop.

“Oh fuck, what?”

“It's fine. It's just, I found out why he was pulled in. Apparently a few months ago he made contact with Murray. Don't know the full details. I think it was just an innocent catch up but it threw up a red flag. Your Jensen was a bad boy.”

“Yes. I know.”

“But, hey. I've done my research.” Jeff lifted his ever present ass from Jared’s desk and hurried over to his own, retrieving a newspaper cut out. He handed to Jared. “He was Austin Businessman of the Year two years in a row. Guy is straight up legit. So don't worry.”

Jared stared at a black and white photograph of Jensen in a tux, smiling broadly, holding a plaque against his chest. 

“Wow.” Above all of the information just given to him, it was the sight of Jensen in his beautifully tailored tuxedo which distracted him the most and it didn't go unnoticed.

“You wanna take that into the bathroom for a bit of 'me' time?”

“Shut up, Morgan. I'll just wait until I get home and jizz over his actual face.”

“You're quite the sharer these days, JP. Stop.” Jeff was half joking, half not.

“Has Murray been officially charged?”

“Yep. Wanna go and visit before he goes?”

“Hell yeah. Little fucker.” Jared stood up, buttoned his jacket and straightened his tie.

Jared stood watching Chad through the one way glass. He looked almost exactly like he had that one time Jared had met him. Except for the handcuffs and the crinkles around his eyes which he didn't carry anywhere nearly as well as Jensen does. He was dressed like a 20 year old, baggy jeans which Jared knew were not fashionable any more and a black fitted vest. The blonde spiky hair was still there, it was like time had stood still.

“Fuck sake. You've charged me, how many more of you monkeys am I gonna have to talk to?”

“Charming as ever, Chad.”

“Sorry dude, do I know you?”

“Not really. I'm just here sight-seeing.”

Chad narrowed his eyes. Jared looked so different now he was wondering if Chad’s drug addled tiny mind would make the connection.

“We have a mutual acquaintance.”

“Yeah, who?” Still so much attitude on it.

“Jensen Ackles.”

“Oh that fucking prick. How do you know him?”

“That doesn't matter. Like I said, I'm sight-seeing.” Jared smiled a sort of self-satisfied smile and made to leave the room.

“You're the little cheerleader.” Chad laughed out loud, winding up his hysterics with a snort.

Jared turned around and smiled briefly. He unbuttoned his jacket before sitting himself a la Jeff on the corner of the table. He flipped his jacket open, badge and gun sitting comfortably on his hip.

“Wanna carrying on laughing?”

“Shit, dude. I'm sorry, okay. Fuck. You did good.”

“You didn't.”

And that was it. Jared rarely allowed himself to gloat when it came to the drip-feed of criminals he had processed during his career. But the satisfaction he got from talking to Chad was a load of unprofessional fun.

Jared was straight on the phone to Jensen.

“Hey darlin'. I'm about to go into a meeting.”

“It's 10 pm.”

“I know, damn time zones.”

“Hey, I er, I wanted you to come down to the station. I have a surprise for you.”

“What could the Austin PD possibly have for me?” Jensen chuckled, his voice a little muffled as he gathered his jacket and laptop together.

“I'm not telling. When is your meeting over?”

“Shouldn't take long. Be there in an hour tops.”

“Great. I'll see you then. Love you.”

“Love you too, darlin'.”

Jared had managed to hold onto Chad for another hour, hoping Jensen would make it in time to see his former friend in handcuffs. The great thing about Jared’s work was their unstinting acceptance of his sexuality. Not one single person judged him. He was just Jared Padalecki. Detective, who happens to be gay. So when Jensen greeted him at his desk with a hug and a kiss, no one batted an eyelid.

“So. What's this surprise?” 

“Chad's here.”

“As in Murray?”

“Yep and he's been arrested. Murder. He was our guy. Wanna see him?” Jared rubbed his hands together gleefully.

“Shit. Well, I knew the guy was trouble. But murder?” Jensen shook his head. “Where is he?”

Jared took Jensen’s hand and led him through to the interview room, where an extremely fidgety Chad sat.

“I can't let you go in, I'm technically breaking quite few rules as it is.”

“Wow. That's kinda sad.”

Jared hadn't thought about it like that. All he could see was a criminal. A murderer and a massive prick.

“I suppose it is.”

“Well, I mean look at us. We were pretty wild in our youth, but we didn't wind up killing people.” Jensen’s voice was a little loud. “Shit, can he hear me?”

“No, you're good.”

“Well, congratulations, Detective Padalecki.” Jensen grinned.

“Stop it. You know it drives me crazy when you call me that. And no, that does not mean I'm role playing arresting you. Ever.” Jared chuckled and tapped Jensen on the back.

“You're such a buzz kill.”

“C'mon, lets go out for dinner. I'm starving.”

“Good idea.”

Dinner was at a quiet little Italian place not far from the police department. Jared and Jensen had fallen into a habit of never sitting opposite one another when they ate out. Always choosing to sit side by side. Jared thought it was simply because they both subconsciously got on board with the caveman theory about how the dominant of a relationship always sat with their back to the cave wall to protect their mate. Jensen quashed that by stating it was just so they could fondle one another under the table instead. Jared couldn't disagree.  
Jared had also felt a little more comfortable drinking alcohol around Jensen. He wasn't a huge drinker but red wine had become a passion of his over time and Jensen didn't want Jared to miss out just because for a large portion his adult life, he couldn't control himself. It took a lot of persuading but Jared gave in. 

“This food is insane. But obviously, yours is better.”

“Better not let the chef hear you say that, Jay. He's about 300 years old and has been living here since he was 11 and doesn't speak a word of English.”

“I can say what I like then” Jared laughed.

“Ah, I said he doesn't speak it. Doesn't mean he's not hanging on every word he hears.”

Jared lifted his fork, loaded with rich, fluffy gnocchi. Jensen opened his mouth and slowly slid his mouth over the fork.

“You two really need to get a room.” 

Jared looked up, kind of, barely wanting to take his eyes away from Jensen’s plush mouth.

“Jeff. This is a bit fancy for you, isn't it?”

“It's our anniversary. I made him take me out.” Ruth, Jeff's wife of 10 years popped out from behind her bear of a husband. Gorgeous woman, tiny and red haired and about as New Jersey as they come with a raucous laugh not unlike Janice’s from Friends. “This is what happens when you're married. Hey, you guys can do that now right?”

“Hey Ruth.” Jared stood up and gave her a warm hug. He had always liked her. She was as fierce as anything but had the biggest heart a person could have.

“Hey Jared, are you going to introduce me?”

“This is my boyfriend, Jensen.”

“Well aren't something special, honey. Gawd, if only I was a gay man, huh?” And then the laugh came and the balls shrank.

“Lovely to meet you, Ruth.” Jensen winced a little as the nasal screech echoed around the restaurant. 

“And you sweetheart. Hope you're taking care of our little Jarpad. He's a special one.”

“Of course. He's special to me too. My angel.”

Jared blushed from head to toe as Jensen spoke.

“Naw, you two are so adorable. Why aren't you like that with any more Jeff?”

“I have no idea. I'm taking you out aren't I?” Jeff said flatly.

“Ever the romantic. Well, we'll let you two gorgeous boys carry on.” 

“Thanks Ruth. See you tomorrow Jeff.” Jeff nodded and waved like the submissive little bitch he is when he's in Ruth's company.

As they walked away and found their table at the far side of the restaurant, Jared turned to Jensen with panic in his eyes.

“If we don't leave now, that laugh with wind up making our ears bleed.”

“Okay, Jarpad.”

“Oh God, don't. Just don't. I love her to bits but she's a bit-”

“Janice?”

“Completely.” Jared laughed and rested his chin on Jensens' shoulder. “We'll finish our food first then I'm taking you home to bed.”

“Good plan. Hey, Jay. There has been something I have been meaning to ask you. It happened a while ago, that night we had sex against the window of my apartment.”

“Which time?”

“The first time.” Jensen chuckled between mouthfuls of basil. “You said something. And I don't know why I didn't say anything after or before now but it pops into-”

“You really need to just get to the point, darlin'.”

“Sorry.” Jensen leaned in and lowered his voice to bare whisper. “When I was fucking you, you wanted it harder but said something about hating yourself for it. What did you mean?”

Jared sat back for a moment. He remembers the night as clear as day but when it came to recalling words said in the heat of the moment he normally struggled. Not this time. 

“I just felt, at the time that I was losing control a little. You know what you were like-”

“Intense. I know, baby.”

“Yeah and it just felt odd to me that I had suddenly become so submissive so quickly. I mean, it's fine now. So you shouldn't worry about it.”

“I can still be intense.”

“I know, it's different now.” Jared shrugged and smiled at Jensen. “Are you happy with that answer?”

Jensen nodded that his was.

“Good. I need to use the bathroom. And then we'll go.”

“I'll get the check.” Jared left with the ghost of a kiss on his lips and walked through to the bathroom. Jensen called over for the check and whilst getting up, picked up Jared’s half full wine glass and drank every last drop.

 

MARK MORRISON – RETURN OF THE MACK

So I'm back up in the game  
Running things to keep my swing  
Letting all the people know  
That I'm back to run the show


	14. Chapter 14

JENSEN 

 

Jensen had stuffed his mouth with a fork full of basil. It was all he could do after his moment of weakness. Jared hadn't detected the smell of wine on his breath. The glass had been left, half full and Jensen had drunk it all without another thought. The sensation when it hit his belly traveled straight to his brain. It instantly made his stomach churn, not so much that it was something that he hadn't ingested for 12 years, but because he had broken his sobriety with one split second decision. 

He spent the rest of the evening at his own apartment with Jared, knowing that he had a refrigerator full of sparkling water and not much else. It played on his mind all night, even when he was laid back on his bed while Jared rode his dick in a pair panties pulled to one side. He thought to himself that telling Jared about the slip-up might help him but decided against it once they were both sweating against the sheets, bodies tangled and sated.

He didn't think that it would lead anything. One mouthful of red wine was hardly going to send him back to vodka, neat and straight from the bottle. But it did.

A week later. Jensen found himself slumped in a chair in his home office staring at that empty bottle of vodka. Just the sight of it made him feel nauseous and as before, the alcohol had barely touched him. There had been reason before as to why he took drugs and drank himself to oblivion. At first, the loss of Jared when he was 20 and then as time went on, it was his life which spiraled out of control. Endless partying with Chad who would do nothing more than encourage and push and challenge and dare.  
And then after that, it was the fact that he had hit rock bottom. He had nothing, he had lost his shitty apartment but had the good sense to put Baby into the care of his sister Karen. He couldn't lose everything.

Now though. Now was different. There was nothing in his life which he needed to hide from. He had money, respect and the love of the man he had fallen for when he was so young and stupid. Part of him wanted to feel normal. To be able to enjoy a glass of good wine suited to the meal he was eating. Like a regular adult with self-control. He also knew that his slip from sobriety would be one where he had the support to help him through and back out the other side again but he had yet to tell Jared about anything. He had chosen vodka. It was quick and practically odorless. He had become sneaky. Making sure he drank only when he knew he would see Jared for at least 24 hours.

But worst of all he had begun to hate himself again. Hate for the weakness. Hate for concealing the truth from the one person who would help him without questioning why. He had become, once again the man that Jared joked about. The lubricated douche bag. The liar. The coward. He was frightened. Frightened that the hate for himself would turn into anger. Anger can help a person lose everything.

 

New York had been an exciting prospect for a 27 year-old. Jensen had always been a little immature. Willful and determined to do whatever he pleased. High school drop out, a walking talking bad boy cliche. His downward spiral into full time drunk slash drug addict, started and ended in New York. Chad had wanted him to go. Chad had always thought himself a businessman and treated their trip there as some sort legitimate business strip. Unlike Jensen who had been drip-fed a life of crime from an early age, Chad had aspired to become a little gay drugs king pin because it was 'different' he said. Jensen dabbled. He'd been to juvie and jail and sold a few ounces of weed and hot sneakers and anything else he could find that had fallen from the back of a truck but he was never as keen to make crime his life. It was nothing but laziness. Because Jensen wasn't stupid. If Jensen was another person in another time, he would be wandering the hallowed halls of Yale, or Princeton wearing a sweater vest reading Isherwood and smoking Russian Sobranies like the pretentious little shit he can be. But no. He removed himself so far from anything good and rounded and intelligent and deep and placed himself in a self sufficient life of minor credit card scams, petty thieving and substance abuse. It was easier than trying to finish high school, easier than trying for a scholarship. He knew he was intelligent, but it was rough around the edges. He could read Nietzsche and understand it but he had never nurtured the ability to explain why. 

A waste of a brilliant mind. 

Initially, he and Chad had booked into the Four Seasons. They both looked out of place. Jensen still wore the same leather jacket he had worn when he and Jared dated and Chad looked like a white homosexual rapper. But Chad had money and knew his way around tipping generously. Throwing cash at 'We don't want your sort here'. Chad would leave their suite daily, leaving Jensen with free access to the mini bar and whatever drugs he had lying around. Nine times out of ten, Chad would get picked up by some driver built like an ice truck, driving a dark car with blacked out windows, and then be taken away for secret meetings. Jensen rarely got involved. He was company for Chad and often, when they were both at their most wasted, a fuck buddy. Chad never ran out of money but as he closed up whatever shady deals he made in the city that never sleeps, he left Jensen behind. Jensen had wanted to stay. He checked himself out of the Four Seasons, two days after Chad left for San Antonio. Chad had given him a roll of money and a blow job by way of thanks for being his companion.  
Naively Jensen thought finding somewhere cheap would be easy. Get right out of the city, move out toward the 'burbs. Instead he found himself drawn to Hells Kitchen. It sounded cool, it sounded like trouble, it sounded like somewhere he would fit in. 

Gentrification had hit Hells Kitchen big time. Jensen spent his first night away from the plush surroundings of the Four Seasons on a bench overlooking the Hudson. 

 

His favorite dive bar was Logan's. Owned by some old weathered guy who hung onto his liquor license by the skin of what teeth he had left. Stan, ex army, 74 years old and the biggest bullshitter the world had known. The bar was slimy and dank and glasses were constantly cloudy. But who cared about that when you have drunks to encourage. When you rely on the weaknesses of others to supply your only income. 'You shouldn't get so wasted, boy' and then Stan would pour Jensen another and another and take his money and then do it all again the next day. Stan's closed for a few hours a night. Not for any good reasons like to wash up or clean the puke from the bathroom floor but just so Stan could drink in his takings.   
Jensen would then move onto his next fix. A few blocks up. One of the few old hotels left in Hells Kitchen. And there he would get high and smoke crack. Chad wasn't there then. Chad hadn't been there for a long while. 

It wasn't the crack that had got him in the end. It was the alcohol. Laying on his side in the back of an ambulance, a rubber tube down his throat grazing his gut. He was found in the gutter, looking up at the stars, just like Oscar Wilde had said.

Jared had graduated from college that day. He thought of Jensen as he smiled at the camera flanked by his parents. It had made his heart ache.

Karen was ready to slap him. Punch the fucking addiction out of him. Half brother or not, douche bag or not. She loved him. 

"You're not in heaven."

"Good. Place sounds fucking dull." Jensen rasped out, tugging at the drip line. Confusion. 

"You nearly died."

One more drinking binge and Jensen will die. One sip of expensive well matured red wine wouldn't hurt. The vodka that followed. Would. 

 

KNOCKIN’ ON HEAVENS DOOR – BOB DYLAN

Ma, take these guns away from me.  
I can't shoot them any more.  
There's a long black cloud following me.  
Feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.


	15. Chapter 15

Jensen had been drinking all day. He had somehow managed to stop an hour before his date with Jared but had found it difficult to sober up. They hadn’t seen one another for a few days due to Jared’s excessive work load so it wasn’t as if Jensen could easily cancel. Nor did he want to. One thing about being an addict of any kind, was the ability to lie and conceal. This however was to be a challenge.  
Jensen had managed to dress himself and thanked God that Jared was coming to his apartment, a DUI was all Jensen needed.

It was a balmy summer evening as Jared walked up to Jensen’s apartment and let himself in. They had exchanged keys but had not yet discussed moving in together. It was Jensens’ intention to ask Jared but his new ‘hobby’ was preventing him from doing so.

“Jenny?” Jared called out from the hall, slipping his shoes off and leaving them by door by way of habit. He was wearing a long, light-weight coat, belted at the waist, under which he was hiding a surprise for Jensen.

“In the kitchen!” Jensen called out, and that was when Jared noticed the thick aroma of Jensen’s cooking in the air. He slinked his way through to the kitchen and leaned against the door frame.

“Hello, lover.” Jared hummed, his voice thick and syrupy. Jensen turned around and smirked.

“Is it raining?”

Jared rolled his eyes at Jensen’s humor and slowly untied the belt on his coat. Jensen blindly set the spatula in his hand down on the counter and moved around the kitchen as Jared opened the coat.

“Oh, my, God.” And as quick as a flash, Jensen was as sober as a nun. Jared slipped the coat over his tan shoulders and let the garment pool around his perfectly manicured bare feet. Jared’s body was wrapped up like the prettiest Christmas gift. “Where in the hell do you find such pretty things to fit you?”

Jared pursed his lips at that but smirked as Jensen settled a hand against Jared’s waist, his thumb teasing the red lace panties which hugged his ass perfectly. His hand moved over the satin waist cincher and up over the pretty red nipple pasties which sat neatly above it.

“Shit, can you even breath?” Jensen murmured.

“I drove here like it.” Jared breathed, he had to admit to himself, it had been a battle.

“Turn around.” Jensen instructed, that familiar authoritative tone that Jared was so in tune with. He did what was asked and glanced seductively over his shoulder at Jensen.

“Do you like?”

Jensen simply nodded that he did. A lot. He pressed himself up against Jared’s back and slid one hand over Jared’s stomach and then lower still. Jared chuckled which made Jensen frown as his fingers teased at his panties. 

“Where’s your dick?” Jensen chuckled, only slightly as his eyes flicked back up to meet Jared’s gaze.

“Tucked.” Jared said simply, a little proud of his achievement. He had ‘tucked and taped’ numerous times before at home. But he had never once left the house like it nor done it for anyone else.

Jensen stepped back and flared his nostrils.

“I don’t like it.” And within moments he was back at the stove, stirring whatever he had been cooking before Jared had walked in. Jared swallowed thickly and quickly scrambled around for the coat and pulling it awkwardly over his shoulders.

“Why?” Jared stepped carefully with his words and even more carefully with his feet and he tiptoed over to join Jensen.

“Because I date a man, not a woman. It looks ridiculous.”

“I look ridiculous now? But, Jen, you like me like this.” Jared whispered, trying his hardest not feel insulted and hurt. He hesitated before laying a hand over Jensen’s back which was shrugged away by a roll of a shoulder.

“I said ‘it’ looks ridiculous, not you. Untuck your dick, you’re a man, act like one.”

Jared found himself just looking at Jensen, blinking slowly. He huffed and pushed his hand down inside his panties and tore at the tape which made him inhale sharply. He slammed it on the counter and walked with meaning from the kitchen and slumped onto the couch in the living room.

All the while, Jensen was silent. He glanced at the tape laying on the counter and clenched a fist.

Jared pushed the coat from around his body angrily as Jensen came into view, he tore at the fastenings on the cincher, becoming increasingly frustrated with their non compliance.

“Don’t.” Jensen said, his voice soft and apologetic.

“Why? I look ridiculous, remember.” Jared huffed and gave up with the cincher, folding his arms across his chest like scolded, petulant child.

“You don’t, you look gorgeous. I guess I was just a little thrown, darlin’.” 

“I trust you.” Jared snapped, feeling so embarrassed.

Jensen slumped at Jared’s words. If only he knew. If only Jared knew just how much he had been breaking that trust. If only he knew that Jensen hadn’t been able to get it up for days now. If only he knew how that proudly placed sobriety chip in his wallet had been tarnished. 

“I know.” 

Jared couldn’t do much else but glare at Jensen, he felt humiliated. He shifted on the couch, the cincher made it awkward to sit comfortably. His hand slipped down the back and hit something hard and cold. Jared frowned, his hand digging deeper. It didn’t take a detective to work out what the object was and Jared’s heart broke at that very second.  
He pulled the empty bottle from between the couch cushions and almost chuckled to himself.

Jensen closed his eyes, silence was the best option.

“You ass hole.” Jared sobbed as the bottle skimmed Jensen’s head and hit the wall behind him, shattering like Jareds’ heart into a hundred jagged pieces. Jensen jumped and without so much as a word, bounded over to Jared and swiped him around the face with the back of his hand. It wasn’t anger, or hate. It was his disappointment. It was failure. 

Jared held his face and looked up at Jensen.

“We are done here.” Jared spat, standing up to full height and reminding Jensen that he wasn’t the meek, impressionable teen anymore.

“Jay.” Jensen breathed, his chest aching with immediate regret.

“No, not Jay. Not darlin’ or babe, or lover. Nothing to you. I am nothing to you!” Jared screamed, feeling utterly betrayed by Jensen’s lack of trust in him.

“That’s not true.” Jensen was the meek one now, almost cowering under Jared’s broad shadow.

“I let you back in and this is how you repay me?”

“A person doesn’t just stop being an addict.” Jensen explained. Jared knew that. He always knew that. He knew it the moment Jensen proudly displayed his sobriety chip.

“And you’re not ‘just a person’. You’re a man who lost faith in the boy you love and who trusts you. And that is the saddest thing about it.” Jared’s tone was flat and beat. He slowly rubbed his face. It hadn’t hurt that much but the act itself felt like a knife to the heart. He carefully put his coat on, not enjoying what he was wearing at all anymore and walked past Jensen, unable to look him in the eye.

“Jay, please. I’m sorry. I just, I lost. I’m losing again. I can’t do this without you.” Jensen was begging now and it was sad and unattractive as he followed Jared out to the hallway.

“Well, clearly you can. How much have you had to drink today?” Jared muttered, his manner calm but curt.

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters.” 

“A bottle. And a half.”

Jared had finished slipping his feet into his shoes and looked up at Jensen with glassy eyes.

“How long?” 

“Three weeks.”

Jared sighed so loudly it made his chest hurt. And now he found himself in this impossible position. He had been betrayed, hit and lied to, worse than anything Jensen had done to him years ago. He thought that being an adult, he would be well equipped to deal with it but he wasn’t sure if he could.

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“Then don’t.”

“You hit me.”

“I’m sorry. I just-” Jensen sighed, no excuse was good enough for this. “-I’ve let you down and myself. And I’m angry about that. Angry that I lied to you. Angry that after all this time, I succumbed.”

“If you ever even so much as lay a finger on me in anger, I’m leaving you, in the gutter, just like you were left last time. Do you understand me?” 

Jensen nodded.

“I promise.” And Jensen meant it.

“Can I borrow some clothes?” 

Jensen nodded again.

“Go and finish whatever you’re cooking, I’ll change, we’ll eat and we’ll talk.” 

Jensen smiled weakly, leaning in to place a kiss against Jared’s cheek.

“No. I don’t think so.”

“You’re right. Of course.” Jensen nodded and they went their separate ways. Jared through to the bedroom to change and Jensen back to the kitchen.

They reunited in the kitchen a while later. Jensen had laid the table with salad and pasta and set out a pitcher of water with fruit bobbing about prettily on the surface.

“This looks nice.” Jared said, sitting down in a pair of sweats and t-shirt.

“Thank you.”

They were silent for a short time, loading plates with pasta and crisp green salad. 

“I think you should try another program.” Jared said softly, glancing up at Jensen as he poured out two glasses of water.

“That’s what I intend to do.”

“Good. Do you want me to come with you?”

Jensen nodded, his mouth full of food.

“Then we’ll do that.”

And that was the extent of the conversation. Jared didn’t need to know details. How often. What Jensen was drinking and how he had managed to conceal it for so long.  
All he needed was his man well again. And Jensen wanted the same.

 

BETTER MAN – ROBBIE WILLIAMS

As my soul heals the shame  
I will grow through this pain  
Lord I'm doing all I can  
To be a better man


	16. Chapter 16

It had been six weeks since Jensen had signed up to a rehab program and as promised, Jared had been there with him, every step of the way. At least, he had tried to. Through a cruel twist of fate, Jared’s work load had tripled, which meant every spare moment was spent waiting outside his therapists office for Jensen and taking him to AA meetings. Their love life had dwindled already to practically nothing. Both struggling with Jensen’s untimely diagnosis with impotency.  
His medication was carefully chosen for him by his doctor who was aware of his alcohol problem, in that, the medication wouldn’t work if he drank. The side effects brought with it headaches which clashed with withdrawal aches pains. It had been tough for them both but Jareds’ unstinting kindness, unselfishness and perseverance had pulled them through the other side. At least, for now.

Fall was around the corner but the weather was still warm, despite the nights drawing in. Jensen laid spread out on the hammock in his summer house, the contraption gently swinging as he dragged his knuckles over the terracotta tiled floor. He watched Jared leaf through piles of paper work which now lived permanently on the back seat of his car.

“I can feel you watching me.” Jared smirked, his eyes still busy, his head dipped.

“That’s kind of the idea. I’m trying to will you to stop.” Jensen chuckled, bored and in need of attention. The medication was working and didn’t Jared know it.

“One more page.” 

“You said that ten minutes ago, lover.”

“Keeping interrupting me ‘lover’ and it will be another ten.” Jared looked up and smirked at Jensen. He sort of slumped when he saw him, not in a bad way. He just looked gorgeous. Dressed in white linen, feet bare and tan. His green eyes were bright and mischievous and his freckled nose and cheeks looked almost boyish. Boyish enough to match his current mood. “Okay. I give in. How can I resist when you look like that?”

Jared set down his paperwork on the floor and crawled over to Jensen, settling on his shins and kneeling in front of him. He grazed a hand over Jensen’s wrist and sighed softly. 

“How do you feel? Headache gone now?”  
Jensen nodded and curled his fingers around Jared’s wrist.

“A little, the Advil worked.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Jared felt his eyelashes flutter as Jensen pressed a soft kiss to the inside of his wrist.

“The other medication has worked too.” Jensen smirked against Jared’s wrist.

“Oh, has it now?” Jared chuckled then sighed again, he had noticed he had been doing a lot of that recently. He felt as if doing that it prevented him from yelling or screaming. “Do you feel up to it?”

“Oh, Jay. I’m not sick.”

“I think we both know that’s a big lie. That’s what addiction is, Jen.”

Jensen fell silent, he wanted to protest that he wasn’t sick but he knew that there wasn’t ever going to be cure for him. He had been afflicted for the rest of his life.

“I just want us to do something normal. To feel like a couple again.”

“I know. We can take it slow?”

Jensen nodded. It was exactly what he had in mind.

Hammock sex had been attempted once, earlier in the summer and wound up in a damaged coccyx (Jareds) and the idea was abandoned. They retreated to the comfort and safety of Jensen’s bedroom.   
As Jensen laid back on the bed, Jared worked his linen pants down over his cock. 

“Goodness.” Jared blushed. “You weren’t wrong. Were you touching yourself?” Jared mock-scolded.

“I was bored and you look hot.” Jensen chuckled. All boyish charm and rare happiness. Jared had an immediate flashback to when Jensen first smiled at him like that. It felt like another life.

Clothes were removed, peeled away from skin and discarded. Until it was just them, at their most pure. Kissing had always been a huge thing for Jared. Having been so deprived of Jensen’s mouth when they were first together, sometimes that was all he wanted to do. Kiss and kiss until his jaw ached and his lips swelled. Making out and up for lost time. Jensen, on many occasions found himself having to come up for air like a floundering fish. Just one long gasp before finding himself pinned down again by two large, capable hands.

They were so equal in bed. Utterly two halves of the same person. The level of knowing and wanting between looked oftentimes, rehearsed. They knew one another inside and out and together they were perfection.

Jared had decided as they had walked back to the house, arm in arm. That tonight it would all be about Jensen. He wanted him to feel good about himself again, stroke everything he could touch as well as his ego. 

Jensen squirmed the moment Jared’s lips touched his dick. The gentle suck and lick of Jareds’ tongue circling the head. The medication had helped extremely well. Perhaps too well as Jensen often found himself with the most alarming erections he had ever had in his life. It was almost like his dick was fighting back. It was red and angry and bobbed with need against Jared’s mouth. He sucked the length up into his mouth until his perky, pointed nose was nestling against the neatly trimmed mound of pubic hair around the base. It tasted clean but salty and oh so familiar.  
Jensen’s hand found itself wrapping around Jared’s mane of silky, dark brown hair. Holding it back from his face as he hollowed his cheeks and bobbed his head. It was a text book blow job to ease Jensen back in and so far so good. Jensen was making all the right noises and his dick was responding as it should. Jared just had to stop thinking about sex so clinically now and just enjoy it, instead of looking for problems or, in this case, pulling off and asking Jensen if he was enjoying himself.

“I am.” Jensen’s voice was soft and gruff and tinged with wryness.

“Are you sure?”

“I won’t be if you don’t stop asking stupid questions.” Jensen smirked.

Jared mouthed ‘sorry’ and went back to it. Just as the wet head nudged the back of his throat, his phone rang. He attempted to ignore it but it continued. It rang and rang and Jared pulled off, convinced it was work. Something he couldn't ignore. Jensen knew that too and waved Jared away to go and answer his stupid, intrusive phone.

“Work?” Jensen asked, his hand now wrapped around his poor neglected cock as Jared just sat staring at the display. The phone rung out and Jared quickly changed the ring tone to vibrate. 

“No. Matt.”  
“Your ex Matt? Why the hell do you still have his number?”

“I saved it so that if he ever called, I could avoid him. Like now.” Jared said, his eyes rolling as he turned to look at Jensen.

“Oh, I see. Well, that’s sensible.”

Jared nodded that of course it was.

“What does he want?”

“Really?” Jared shook his head. “That would require answering the phone, which I don’t want to do.” And on cue, the his phone vibrated in his hand.

“Answer it.”

“Why?” Jared whispered as if Matt could hear.

“Because he’ll only keep calling if you don’t.” Jensen had a point.

Jared let out one of his new habitual sighs and hit answer. 

“Matt.” Jared breathed, hoping his voice would sound displeased.

“Jare, you still have my number.” There was a smile in his voice.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Matt. What do you want?”

“Well, I bumped into your Mother last week and she happened to tell me that you hooked back up with that juvenile delinquent you were so hot on when you were 12.”

“15 and what in the hell has it got to do with you?”

“Touchy. I just wanted to speak to you. I miss you, Jare.”

“That means nothing to me any more, Matt. Without sounding like a cliché, you had your chance and you blew it. In fact, you blew that slut Roberto.”

Jared turned around as he heard Jensen snicker and move up behind up, prompting Jared to switch the call to speaker so Jensen could hear.

“People make mistakes, Jare. I know it’s been a long time. But I miss you so much.”

“Funny really, how it’s taken you all this time to tell me this the moment you find out I’m happy again. I’m not interested. I’m with Jensen and we’re happy.”

“Oh yeah. Jensen, the businessman. How grown up.”

“Well, we all have to. Might be your chance to give it a try.”

Jensen snorted and Jared glared at him but there was a smile there somewhere.

“Maybe I’ll see you at the station one day.”

“No, you won’t. I’d like you to not do that. Matt, we broke up so long ago that I feel nothing for you now. I do wish you a happy life. But you won’t find that with me.”

“Never say never ever.”

“Never.” And with that Jared hung up the phone.

“He’s got balls.” Jensen chuckled, under the surface, slightly jealous and quite prepared to beat the living crap out of Matt if ever he met him.

“Yes, he has but they’re tiny.” Jared smirked and then his phone was flying out of his hand and he was being pulled against a squishy naked body.

“Mine.” Jensen chuckled, peppering kisses over Jared’s face. “Mine. Mine. Mine.”

“You’ve put on weight.” Jared smirked, grabbing a handful of adorable love handles. “I love it. It suits you.”

Jensen furrowed his brows, he wasn’t as enthusiastic about his medication assisted weight gain.

“Really? It’s a little gross.”

“Oh shush. It’s gorgeous. You’re gorgeous. And, well. I think I’m ready for us to move in together.” Jared was good, skillfully deflecting Jensen’s negative body image issues by throwing a curve ball. “I want to live here. With you, if you’ll have me?”

“Are you serious?” Jensen was grinning now, his middle-aged spread no longer on his mind.

“Deadly.” Jared hummed, rubbing his nose against Jensen’s.  
“Then, I’d love you too.” Jensen chuckled, his teeth biting into his bottom lip gently. “It was always going to be you.”

“I know.”

 

WICKED GAME – CHRIS ISAAK  
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you


	17. Chapter 17

Normalcy had struck the Padalecki/Ackles household. It was just after Thanksgiving and Jensen was back at work. Jared had been moved in for a few weeks now and had settled in well. He was a little sad to let his apartment go, but loved where Dean lived. They had similar tastes in décor and of course the view of Austin was beautiful.  
Jared had also decided to go tee-total, he wasn’t about to risk Jensen falling off the wagon for a second time. Not when he found out about the sneaky red wine Jensen had gulped down. It had been his fault. Jensen had told him that wasn’t the case.

But Jared had found himself propping up the bar at Rileys with Jeff while Jensen was away for a few days on a business trip.

“I strictly shouldn’t be doing this.” Jared groaned, but still happily sipping on a glass of house red. Not his usual choice but anything was a blessing.

Jeff let his head drop onto the bar and grunted with frustration.

“So you said, about a billion times.” Jeff sat up and Jared smirked at him before peeling a broken pistachio shell from Jeff’s forehead.

“I feel guilty.”

“Listen. Jensen never once said you had to give up booze and you only drink red wine anyway and that doesn’t count.” Jeff chuckled and held up his glass of whiskey.

“I still feel terrible though.”

“Well, don’t. He’s away and you’re not doing anything wrong. You deserve a treat. Relax.”

Jared nodded, Jeff was right, as usual. His marriage might be a sham but when he came to relationship advice, he was surprisingly good at it.

“If you’re gonna drink though. Drink like a man.” Jeff chuckled and casually spun around as a blonde with a heaving bosom glided past them.

“Act like a married one. Jeez, Jeff. How are you even still married?”

“Hey, I’m just browsing.”

Jared followed Jeff’s eye line and then stilled. Matt.  
Jeff saw him too and almost recoiled into himself. 

“What is it with you, this place and exes?”

Jared sighed and gave Jeff an apologetic look as he slid from his bar stool and wandered over to Matt. 

“Hello, Jare.” There was warmth in Matt’s voice but Jared knew him well enough to know that it was fake.

“Matt. Why are you here? I told you on the phone. I’m not doing this.”

“I just wanted to see you. Just to catch up.”

Jared scoffed.

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Let me at least buy you a drink and then I’ll go.”

Jared rubbed his face and nodded. 

“I have my own drink, I’ll sit with you while I drink it, ten minutes and then you’ll leave. That’s my final offer.”

Matt Cohen was so desperate to try and win Jared back that he wasn’t the slightest bit deterred by being given a ten minute window in which to do it.

“I can do that.” Matt grinned at Jared, all swarthy and dark and yes, it was all very attractive once but that ship hadn’t just sailed, it had hit an iceberg and sunk. 

Jared sat himself on a battered tan leather couch by the window and sat swirling his red wine about in his glass while Matt caught up with Jeff at the bar. Matt sauntered over and sat opposite Jared after he had been maneuvered there by a curt nod of Jared’s head. With no time to waste, Matt got straight down to business.

“You know. Your Mom doesn’t like him.” Matt smirked as he wrapped his lips around the rim of his beer bottle.

“My Mother doesn’t what day of the week it is, so her opinions are hardly valid.”

“She always liked me.”

“Also has a bad judge of character. After all, she married my Father.”

“Got an answer for everything, haven’t you, Jare.”

“Don’t call me that.” Jared almost whined as he spoke. He hated it then and even more so now. “How’s your sister?” Jared muttered. He had always liked Matt’s sister and was truly interested in her well-being.

“Fat.” 

“You’re an ass hole.”

“Just being honest.” Matt chuckled and leaned back against the couch blatantly eye fucking Jared.

“That’s new for you, how’s that working out?” 

Matt smirked and remained undeterred, still.

“You look good. Jensen is a lucky man.”

“He’s more than that.” Jared was bored now, Matt Cohen was barking up the wrong tree. “He’s the love of my life.”

“You called me that once.”

Jared never had.

“You wish.” Jared sighed and stood up, his appetite for a sneaky drink had vanished and he’d had enough. “Don’t try and contact me again. Move on, Matt. I have.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” 

“I’m not.” Jared gave Matt a polite nod of the head and walked back to Jeff.

“I’m heading home.”

“Had enough of breaking hearts?” Jeff slurred, grinning from ear to ear.

“Shut up.” Jared chuckled, giving Jeff a friendly pat on the back. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Drive safe, Romeo.”

“You’re a dick!” Jared called back, leaving the bar and not once looking back at Matt Cohen.

Jensen was a sight for sore eyes the next day as he breezed into the living room with his overnight case dragging behind him. Jared had been up waiting for him, dressed in the black leather skirt that Jensen had come to love so much and a matching black tank. Jared almost jumped on him, peppering kisses over his face, so unlike him but he wanted Jensen to know how much he had been missed.

“Easy, tiger.” Jensen chuckled and let his case flop against the floor. 

“I missed you.” 

“So it would seem.”

Jensen slipped his arms around Jared’s waist and pulled him close.

“You smell divine.” Jensen hummed, nuzzling Jared’s neck and inhaling his scent.

“I had a long soak in the tub, some new bath oil I bought. Wanted to be all silky smooth for my man.”

Jensen almost growled. His hands, instantly grabby as he pawed at Jared’s leather clad ass. In turn, Jared pushed Jensen’s dress coat over his shoulders and plucked at his belt.

“We’re doing this now?” Jensen hummed, barely able to catch his breath.

Jared answered by nodding slowly and tugging hard on Jensen’s tie.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes we are’.” 

Jared was lifted and carried through to the kitchen, the only surface that wasn’t covered in his paperwork and laid unceremoniously on the counter. Jensen seemed to be taking an age to remove his shirt, Jared laying on the counter, putting on a pretty show for him, arching his back and looking very much not the homicide detective. He had always loved his secret, because it was harmless, healthy but still something which would raise a few eyebrows. But it was all for him. And now Jensen.

Jared’s legs were pulled by his ankles and molded around Jensen’s now naked waist. Jensen dipped his head, fingers walking up the expanse of one of Jared’s long, smooth tan legs. He lifted the skirt and peered underneath, licking his lips at the sight of Jared’s dick tucked inside a pair of white panties with a tiny pink bow.

“You didn’t?” Jensen was smirking and having a flashback.

“I did. They’re not the same ones. I don’t have a tiny 15 year-old ass anymore.” Jared chuckled and felt a blush work its way over his cheeks.

“You’re the prettiest damn cop I ever met.”

“Oh shush.” Jared chuckled and gave Jensen an impatient nudge with his knee.

Jensen was all dark eyes and intention as he wiggled a keen finger inside the panties, he cocked an eyebrow with interest.

“You prepped?”

Jared shrugged coyly.

“You’re swell.” Jensen smirked, hooking his fingers around the panties and pulling them over Jared’s sizable thighs. The panties wound up hanging from the yucca plant in the corner of the kitchen and Jared spread himself out for Jensen.

Jared arched again as the warm, wet press of Jensen’s tongue came into contact with his ass hole. It fluttered against the tip which Jensen had formed into a firm point. Jared was always pliable when under Jensen’s control, he felt almost liquid against the cold counter top, his body hot, like molten lava. The webbing of Jensen’s tongue brushed against his outer rim and tickled like crazy which gave rise to an uncharacteristic girlish giggle from Jared’s lips.  
Jared felt a smile form against his skin and bit his lip as his eyes fell back, his lids slowly closing.

Jensen pulled at Jared’s hips, his mouth locked in place, sucking hard, his tongue working like physical profanity. Jared’s skirt had risen up, bunching around his waist. There was something juvenile about the urgency, especially as Jared heard the jangle of Jensen’s belt loosening, the weight of the buckle smacking against the kitchen floor, his dress pants gathering around his ankles.

“Fuck me.” Jared’s words were breathy and shamefully needy. This was them, Jared falling apart and losing every piece of straight thinking, every last drop self respect and control. Jensen, he was permitted to do anything. 

Jared suddenly found his not so 15 year-old ass teetering on the edge of the edge of the counter and sinking around Jensen’s cock. It was all so beautifully easy and effortless. He draped his rangy arms around Jensen’s neck, his legs wrapping around Jensen’s thick waist. Neither kissed nor made any attempt to, this was intimacy at its most pure. Slow, languid fucking, their eyes on one another. Immovable. 

‘It’s really you. I love you. We’re fucking. And it’s perfect.’

Jared whined as the natural bend of Jensen’s cock almost taunted Jared’s prostate. The reach wasn’t quite there, but was enough. Just. Just enough for Jared to start sweating, as he invariably did when they fucked. But this wasn’t exertion, it was pure desire.  
And Jensen, he loved Jared like this. He felt that like this, he had the honor of being in the company of Jared, just Jared. No pretense, no guard, no murders to solve, no anal towel categories. Just Jared at his most open and most free.

“Jenny.” Jared gasped, his fingers sinking into the short strands of hair just above the nape of his neck. Always soft and velvety.

“I’ve got you, baby.” 

They fucked all night, transferring their love making from the cold, hard kitchen counter to their bed and stayed their until dawn.

 

I DON’T WANT TO MISS A THING – AEROSMITH

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away and dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure


	18. Chapter 18

It was early December and the run up to Christmas. It wasn’t Jared’s favorite time of the year due his upbringing being the way it was. Christmas was never a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in the Padalecki household, it was a time for sharing achievements and comparisons on TV screen sizes and smugness. Loads of smugness. As Jared got older, he found solace in sitting in the corner with two Johnny’s. His successful over achieving cousin Johnny and a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue.  
They were both outcasts to a degree. Johnny had earned his money the wrong way. It didn’t matter that he was a millionaire, just that he had snubbed a life in the police. Straight up jealousy there. Jared was a different creature. He loved his job and despite being part of the cringe-worthy PPD, he wasn’t one to join in with the self-congratulatory conversations.  
Worse still was watching the side show that was his parents, greased up with 100% proof eggnog and flirting wildly. Christmas 2005 stands out more than any other. The sight of his mother bouncing on his fathers lap along to Eartha Kitt’s ‘Santa Baby.’ There wasn’t enough brain bleach in the world.

This year was different though. It was to be Jareds’ first Christmas with Jensen and he was like a kid about it. Jensen always won when it came to tales of childhood Christmas woe. It sounded like something out of a Dickens’ novel. No food, no presents, just an inebriated father who beat him regularly. Watching live drunk parent soft-porn seemed like a blessing. 

“So, do you want to go Christmas shopping this weekend?” Jensen offered as he was spread out against Jareds’ stomach, a bowl of nachos balancing on his paunch. 

“Hm. Maybe. I’ll have to see how work goes. People get crazy this time of year.” Jared chuckled and grabbed a nacho, avoiding Jensen’s vile black olives he insisted upon adding.

“It’s a little early but-” Jensen turned around, carefully setting the bowl next to him on the bed. “-it’s our first Christmas.”

“I know. You’re so cute about all this. It’s adorable.”

“Bite me.”

“If you insist.”

Jensen smirked, the temptation was all too strong but work for both of them was calling. Jared working a night shift and Jensen with a string of meetings via Skype with Australia.

“I don’t want to move.” Jensen pouted and used every last ounce of will in his body to drag himself away from Jared’s lithe naked body. “You have cheese dip on your left nipple.” Jensen smirked, leaning in a sucking it clean.

That was them now. Firmly entrenched in life as a couple. Eating nachos in bed and sucking food from one another. Sharing clothes, watching one another shower, shave and piss. It was always on the cards for them, the moment they saw one another, it was always going to be them.

The level of enthusiasm between the two as they showered and dressed for work was low. Not that Jared had lost his keenness for his job, far from it but he felt responsible for Jensen’s well-being. He trusted him but he knew that Jensen didn’t trust himself.

“What time is your shift over?”

“Jen. You should know by now that I can never give you a solid answer.”

“Your job sucks.” 

“Hey, I love my job. It’s just never going to be nine-to-five. You knew that when you signed up.” Jared chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. 

Jensen grinned and pulled Jared in for a parting kiss before they left the apartment and went their separate ways.

Jared didn’t stop from the moment he stepped through the threshold of the station and by 2am, he was holed up in an interview room with a murder suspect who hadn’t had a wash since 1967. The suspect was a vagrant and probably innocent, too drunk to respond to questioning which was making the task nigh on impossible to complete. 

Jensen had finished up for the night and decided to surprise Jared with a fancy festive coffee and a selection of sweets from his favorite place.

“Hey, Jeff.” Jensen beamed, arms full of sugary, fatty treats.

“What did the grease fairy bring tonight?”

“I have your bacon soaked bagel. Which is quite a juxtaposition.” Jensen chuckled, tossing Jeff his midnight snack. Jeff caught it deftly and gave Jensen a wink.

“I wish my wife was like you. Jared is a lucky man.”

Jensen chuckled and sat himself down on Jared’s desk.

“You’re creepy when you say stuff like that, Officer Morgan.”

“That’s what your wife said once.” Jeff smirked, his mouth full of bacon and bagel.

“Talking of which. Where is he?”

“Interview room. We drew straws, stinky homeless guy with two teeth.”

“Oh God, poor guy.”

Jeff chuckled. He didn’t care, he had his bagel.

“So, how was the business trip?”

“Which one?” Jensen smirked, lifting the lid from his coffee and blowing on the surface.

“The most recent.”

“Dallas? It was okay. Same old, same old.”

Jeff nodded, pausing but trying to keep the conversation flowing. He didn’t know Jensen that well, but liked him enough to talk to.

“Good that you got the Matt situation sorted, huh?” 

“Matt situation?”

“Yeah. Jared told him where to go. He tried to woo him with drinks at Rileys but Jared was having none of it.”

“He saw him?”

“Oh. You didn’t know?” Jeff winced behind a napkin, wiping grease from his beard.

Jensen just shook his head. He stood up and slowly set Jared’s snacks down on his desk and smiled weakly at Jeff.

“Tell him I’ll see him at home.”

Jeff nodded, feeling a little shitty that his mouth had run away with him. But he thought, it wasn’t a big deal. Jared had dealt with Matt like an adult and they had barely spent more than five minutes together. Nonetheless, Jeff couldn’t help but note that as he left, Jensen looked pissed.

“Line me up for a Silkwood shower, I am just about done.” Jared groaned, shuffling back to his desk a little after 3am.

“That bad huh?” Jeff remarked.

“Worse.” Jared noticed the food on his desk and glanced at Jeff. “Jensen been here?”

“Hour ago. Coffee is cold now.”

“He left?”

“Yeah. Uh, about that. I kinda, sorta told him about you having a drink with Matt and he didn’t look too happy about it.”

“Oh Jeff. You didn’t? You know what he’s like. What did he say about it?” Jared was panicking now, reaching for his phone and finding Jensens number.

“Nothin’.”

“Oh God. That’s worse.” Jensen wasn’t picking up and Jared was stuck at work while Jensen was probably stewing and slowly reaching boiling point.

Dawn was breaking by the time Jared got home. He already felt tense which conflicted with his feeling exhausted after his long, arduous shift.

“Jenny?!”

Jensen declined to respond from the living room, curled up on the couch and eerily calm, leafing through a catalog of Christmas gifts. 

“Oh, you’re up, Jen.”

“I am.” Jensen didn’t look up and Jared could almost fell the tension in the room, crackling under his skin.

“Jeff said you came in.” Jared was treading carefully now. He knew that whatever it was, it wasn’t over and he was praying that it wouldn’t even start.

“I did.” 

Jared had had enough already, he chose not to sit for this particular conversation.

“Okay. Jeff told me you know about Matt. And I also know that he told that it was completely innocent.”

Jensen closed the catalog slowly, mannered and calm, it made Jared feel nervous.

“So completely innocent that you declined to tell me?” Jensen was standing now and slowly padding his way across the living room toward Jared.

“It wasn’t important. He wanted a drink, I already had one. I agreed to give him ten minutes of my time to shut him up. Five minutes later, I left. Nothing to tell.”

“Sure. But I bet you still his number in your phone.”

“Of course. For the very reason I kept it in the first place.” Jared sighed. “Jen, there’s nothing going on.”

“Just keeping your options open if it all goes wrong with the addict.”

Jared scoffed at that.

“Your words, not mine. Matt and I, we were together and then we weren’t. He cheated on me, remember?”

“Delete his number.” 

“No.”

“Why?”

“For the very reason I keep repeating which you’re not understanding.” Jared’s tone was flat and calm.

Jensen moved closer still, his fists balling which Jared saw as a warning sign and instinctively took a cautious step back.

“Why are you stepping away from me? I’m not going to hit you, Jay.

“I know. I’m just-” Jared could see the fury in Jensen’s eyes and sadly after last time, he knew what he was capable of. He took another step back, caught his heel on the ottoman and fell back onto the glass coffee table. His right hand went through it as he tried to right himself. Jensen immediately grabbed for him before he fell against the smashed glass on the rug.

“Don’t, touch me!” Jared screamed and now Jensen was panicking.

“But I didn’t-” 

“No. Go away. I swear to God.” Jared clutched his hand, which was bleeding heavily, and luckily the only part of his body he had cut.

“Jay. Let me help you.”

Jared managed to pull himself up without Jensen’s help and stepped away from him, blood dripping over the plush, gray carpet.

“You’ve done enough.”

“You tripped. You fell, Jay.” Jensen winced and wrung his hands, now riddled with guilt.

“I can’t do this. With you, you can’t trust me. Your temper is just-” Jared sighed. “-I need some space. I need to think.”

“About what, it was an accident.”

“Not this. You, your ways. You hit me once and I forgave you and Jen, you looked like you could do it again.”

“I didn’t.” Jensen was calm now and spoke softly.

“I know.”

Jared patched himself up as best he could while Jensen hovered about, attempting to apologize for being a jealous ass. But Jared wasn’t listening. He didn’t want to fear the man he loved.

That night, he packed a bag and left to stay with Jeff. Jensen let him go.

 

NO DOUBT – DON’T SPEAK

You and me  
We used to be together  
Everyday together always  
I really feel  
That I'm losing my best friend


	19. Chapter 19

Jeff and Ruth had been the epitome of kindness, allowing Jared to stay in their spare room indefinitely. Jeff had insisted that because of Jared’s ‘gammy hand’ he should take a few days leave. This was unprecedented for Jared, he had never once taken a day off sick and was reluctant to the point of stubborn about the idea. But his injuries had rendered him useless and he eventually gave in.

On the second day he had been left alone. Jeff was at work and Ruth had left for some police wives social meeting. The spare room was nice enough but it wasn’t where he wanted to be. Jensen had been persistent in trying to contact him, Jared had ignored calls and texts from Jensen for two days.   
He eventually gave in and sent Jensen a simple text.

‘Give me time’

Jared found himself, oddly, with nothing to do. Odd, in that it was rare for him to have so much spare time. No work, no overtime, no Jensen. And that was what hurt the most. Not to mention, his current predicament making it impossible to partake in his private indulgence. He had lost control of his life and it made him feel pathetic.  
Jeff and Ruth’s neighborhood was surprisingly quiet as he lazed around in bed at 11am. Aside from the faint sound of traffic and the odd fragments of conversation, it was mostly was silent. The ceiling and his phone had become his new best friends, splitting his time to stare at each one idly in turn. He felt that it would be quite easy for him to go stir-crazy.

By lunchtime, Jared had showered and dressed and had also received a reply to his text to Jensen.

‘Okay’

Jared hated that it had come to this but in the back of his mind, he was hardly surprised. He had always believed Jensen to be a loose cannon, even when he first met him. At 15, he had loved the danger. The whole bad boy thing 20 year-old Jensen had going on was a huge turn on and felt beautifully rebellious. Older Jared was more cautious but even he couldn’t deny Jensen’s magnetism. He was so drawn to him. Businessman or no business man, the danger was there, bubbling under the surface and a part of Jared craved it.  
Jensen’s meek, even submissive response via text made Jared feel uneasy. Not for his own safety but for Jensen’s.   
A bad boy at heart indeed but also weak and fragile.

Jeff was surprised to see Jared up and about, making himself busy in the kitchen and preparing dinner.

“Hi honey, I’m home?” Jeff chuckled, not accustomed to seeing a tall, handsome man in his kitchen cooking up a storm.

Jared turned around and grinned, waving a box of mac n’ cheese at his partner.

“Ugh. You’re the worst wife ever.” 

“Too fancy for you?” Jared laughed, going back to cooking Jensen’s famous pasta dish that he was actually preparing.

“That’s all I’m ever fed. Where’s Ruthie?”

“Some police wives social.” Jared said, idly mincing garlic cloves.

“Oh God. The coven. She’ll either want a fight or sex or both when she gets home.”

Jared shuddered at the very thought of it.

“I thought it was a bake sale.” 

“More like a get baked or drunk sale. I swear to God, that woman has rosé running through her veins.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

“You have no idea.” Jeff sighed as he opened the fridge, grabbing a beer for himself and offering one to Jared, which he declined. “Talking of trouble. Have you heard from him?”

“Yes. I texted him and then he replied.” Jared wasn’t in the mood for sharing and hadn’t been since he got there which drove Ruth up the wall because she was desperate to put on her Dr Phil head.

“Gripping stuff.” Jeff teased, finishing his beer in two huge gulps and burping loudly directly after.

“You’re gross.” Jared snorted. “There’s nothing more to say about it, Jeff.”

“He didn’t hit you, JP.”

“He could have.”

“But he didn’t. You know he’s a good guy really. He’s just got his problems. We all have them.”

“I didn’t, not until Jen came back.” Jared sighed and turned away from his dinner preparations. He folded his arms, Jared’s way of putting his guard up. Jeff knew this but still persisted with questions.

“Call him.”

“I don’t know.”

“Call. Him.” Jeff insisted, pressing with his words but leaving the conversation just there.

Jensen had been distraught. He was well aware that his temper was known to be quick. And also that his nature was often controlling. Of all his faults, his jealousy had gotten the better of him. His biggest regret was that he had caused Jared to fear him. That one, split second decision to hit Sam after being found out. Weeks of secret drinking, his shame had caused him to lash out. Jared had forgiven him then but Jensen had also planted that tiny seed of doubt inside Jared’s mind that he was capable, under pressure to strike out and physically hurt him. 

He had found it difficult being ignored by Jared, mostly because he had become to rely on him so much. Jared was not only his lover but his only friend. Sure, he knew people through business and socialized with them but they were little more than acquaintances who wanted him for his money and his business acumen.  
Jared didn’t want anything from him, except love.

Jensen had never been one for technology, it had been Jared’s suggestion that he used Skype rather than laborious emails for his overseas business meetings. He also bought him a smart phone which Jensen was and still is, terrified of. Even so, for days after Jared left, he walked around clutching it against his chest and checking the volume was up and that he had a signal. His phone was fine, Jared just wasn’t ready to talk.

‘Give me time.’

Jensen was happy to let that happen, he didn’t want it but he needed to prove to Jared what he was willing to give him anything he needed to get them both back on the right track. To be together again. To move on and just love and live their lives.

Business had called Jensen away from his apartment. He was okay with that, it was distraction and he knew Jared would be happy that he was keeping his head down and not falling back down into a spiral of alcoholism. For Jensen though, it would be too easy. Business dinners were always difficult for him, insomuch that they had a tendency to revolve heavily around alcohol. 

Mark Sheppard was a business associate from the UK. They had been looking into merging their companies and with Jensen’s slip from sobriety and problems with Jared, he had almost forgotten that Mark had flown all the way from London to discuss the merger over dinner in downtown Austin. And as much as Mark was a great guy, he had a penchant for expensive whiskey and a highly persuasive nature. He could make deals with the devil and come out on top.

Mark was a bastard. His words. He was nice enough, insisted on calling Jensen ‘Ackles’ and nothing else. But it was his brain Jensen wanted more than anything and had learned to be as pleasant as was required.

“Ackles.” Mark chuckled, his voice deep and gravelly, his cheeks already rosy. He had the courtesy to stand and welcome Jensen, shaking his hand warmly and nodding toward the empty seat opposite him. “How are you, fella?”

“I’m well.” Jensen lied, sort of. He had purposely picked his favorite restaurant, Truluck’s, which had become he and Jared’s date night destination. “And yourself?”

“Can’t complain. Flight over was a bitch.” Mark chuckled. “You look tired.”

Jensen glanced up from the glass of water he was turning against the table. 

“Hm? A little. I’ve had a lot of work on, late night Skype meetings.” 

“How are you finding business in the 21st century?” Mark teased, he himself had been on at Jensen to modernize his company. But it had taken Jared’s gentle persuasion for him to finally do it.

“Better. Thank you.”

“Better for me too, do you know how much I hated all those bloody emails you used to send me.”

Jensen chuckled at that, even if he found himself distracted by the enticing amber liquid being swirled by Mark in his glass. He absently licked his lips and sipped meekly on his water.

“You know, it’s rare you meet a teetotaler in this day and age. Booze tends to be the integral part of any business meeting. You’re a rare thing Ackles.” Mark chuckled, unaware of Jensen’s ongoing problem and he quite happy for Mark not find out. The last thing he needed was for a man with millions and important connections to think him weak. And so he was content with being Mark Sheppard’s ‘rare thing’.

“I just haven’t got a taste for it. I have other vices.”

“Ah yes.” Mark smirked, running a hand over his unshaven chin, his mischievous, squirrel-like eyes twinkling at Jensen. “Your boyfriend.”

Jensen rolled his, although not obvious, there was always an underlying feeling that Mark wasn’t entirely comfortable with Jensen being gay. He had never hidden his preferences and for the most part people just ignored the fact which suited Jensen. But Mark seemed almost gleeful in his teasing.

“Yes, Jared. He isn’t a vice.”

“So you say.”

Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Mark seemed particularly sarcastic and picky, Jensen put it down to jet-lag and the fact that Mark is a bastard.

“I’ve traveled almost five thousand mind to close this deal, Ackles.” Mark smirked as he leaned back, clicking his fingers to beckon their waiter. “The very least you can do is indulge me, mate.” He ordered a bottle of the restaurant’s best champagne and smirked at Jensen. “It’s fancy pop, nothing more. We should be celebrating.”

“I really can’t.” Jensen insisted.

“Listen. We’re both good at what we do. You have contacts I would love to get my grubby little mitts on. And I know you covet some of mine. Together, we’ll be dynamite and you know it. So, live a little. Hm? What do you say?”

The waiter had arrived at their table before Jensen could protest and a glass of champagne suddenly found itself sitting neatly next to his water. ‘It’s only fancy pop’, he thought to himself.

“Just the one.” Jensen muttered, his smile as weak as his willpower.

 

HERE WITHOUT YOU – 3 DOORS DOWN

A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder  
And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face


	20. Chapter 20

It was another week before Jared had taken on Jeff’s advice to call Jensen. He was back at work, his arm was in a sling, only to stop himself from using his hand, the cut had severed a lot of nerves and the pain had been quite considerable. They had been sending texts to one another which mainly contained small talk in the run up to their first conversation in over two weeks. Jensen had perfected the art of drunk texting. There is no such thing as just one glass of champagne. And his alcoholism had hit rock bottom, with no one there to stop him he had passed the point of no return. And Jared had no idea.

Jared settled himself on his mussed guest room bed in his work shirt and slacks. He was desperate to hear Jensen’s voice and he knew that he had been stubborn in contacting him but he needed to sure in his head that it was Jensen he really wanted. Truth was, it always had been.

“Hello, lover.” Jensen’s voice was like a balm as he drawled out his greeting.

“Hey, Jenny.”

“Been too long.”

“18 years was too long, Jen.”

“S’different this time, Jay.”

“I know.” Jared sighed, hearing Jensen suddenly just wasn’t enough. He needed him, needed to be close. “I want to come home, Jen.”

“You do?” Jensen sat up, which caused him to spill the bottle of vodka that was was wedged between his thighs down his dress pants.

“Of course. I miss you, darlin’.” Jared blushed at his own words. “I’ve already packed. I’ll come straight home.”

Jensen found himself panicking, vodka soaked pants and the prospect of Jared returning, only to walk in and find him drunk. But there was no way he was going to turn Jared down. 

“Then come home. I need you, Jay.”

Jensen had thirty to forty minutes to wash his pants, sober up and hide the evidence of two weeks worth of drinking. He stripped off from the waist and rushed through to the laundry room, shoving his pants and boxers into the machine.   
He filled the coffee machine on his way through to the bathroom, convinced that a tepid shower would help him sober up, ignoring how light headed he was feeling. He slumped over the toilet and retched, and when it didn’t yield the results he wanted, he gently pushed his middle finger against the back of his throat. He was soon vomiting, hoping it would speed up the process of sobriety. He also ignored the spatters of blood around the bowl as he flushed.

Thirty minutes later, clean and sort of sober, Jensen was sat on the couch, trying out various relaxed poses, none of which felt at all natural. He needn’t have bothered as he looked up and saw Jared standing in the doorway. His small case in one hand, his other, strapped and held up in a sling.

“Hello.” Jensen smiled, there was warmth in his voice and a little relief. He moved across the room toward Jared so fast, he barely breathed. “Please, don’t leave me again, Jay.”

Jared shook his head and let go of his case. His hand slid around Jensen’s waist and pulled him in.

“I have no intention of doing so. And I wanted to say-” Jared sighed heavily. “-I wanted to say, that I’m sorry for doubting you. I know, not even deep down that you wouldn’t hurt me. I just freaked out I guess and me needing space, it was more sorting out my own problems and concerns. It’s always, always been you Jen. Even when I was with Matt, it never felt quite right.”

“You don’t have to say sorry, Jay. I was the one who planted that seed of doubt. And my jealousy?” Jensen shook his head in shame. “Childish. I’m sorry too.”

“We all have insecurities. We haven’t had it easy, both of us reacted to threats which made us feel like we were losing one another. It’s human nature, Jen.”

Jensen, although over the moon that Jared had come back, was racked with guilt. It wasn’t a trait generally associated with alcoholism nor any other kind of addiction for that matter, but for Jensen, it was different, not all addicts had Jared Padalecki in their life.

“Start over?” Jensen said softly as he nuzzled Jared’s cheek gently, breathing in the scent of his familiar cologne.

“Start over.” Jared echoed. Then after a beat. “You smell very minty. Have you been eating garlic cloves again?” One of Jensen’s least attractive habits. They both chuckled, although Jensen’s was bittersweet because that was how much Jared trusted him. Not vodka, just garlic.  
Jensen stepped back and inhaled deeply.

“So, now that you’re back. I have a surprise for you.”

“Oh, that sounds vaguely ominous.” Jared teased and adjusted his sling.

“I took the liberty of booking us into Lake Austin, call it a pre-Christmas treat.”

“The spa?”

“Just for the weekend. Please say yes.”

“Work.” Jared sighed, wincing, as the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint Jensen.

“Fuck work. Just two nights.” Jensen pulled Jared in, hands roaming over his ass. “No work, no phones, just me and you.”

“Well, when you put it like that, I could always get Jeff to cover, I’m sure he would be thrilled to take on my extra workload a week before Christmas.”

“Sarcasm?”

“No. Ruth has her family over this weekend and Jeff was looking for an escape plan and I think you may have just given it to him.”

“Well, then. Everybody wins.” Jensen smirked.

“So it would seem.”

Jared and Jensen were Jeff’s new favorite people, rescued from a weekend of Ruth’s family from New Jersey (there were hundreds of them).

The good thing about Lake Austin Spa was that it was a nice quick, easy drive. Better still it cut the time scale down for Jensen to be less likely caught drink driving. Jared was still strapped up in his sling and Jensen had perfected the art of being ‘sober boyfriend while being completely shit-faced’.   
He was a little shocked that Jared hadn’t noticed but Jensen had become so good at hiding his addiction he was starting feel like it was some kind of achievement. If only they gave out shiny badges for it.

Their room overlooked the lake and was an absolute dream space to be in. Jared was keen to try out many of the treatments on offer and maybe go kayaking but Jensen had a completely different plan of action.

“What do you mean you don’t want a massage?” Jared frowned, as fiddled with his sling, sick of it now and taking it off over his head.

“Because I don’t want some strange woman pummeling me thanks.”

“Why book a spa weekend without attempting to ‘spa’?” Jared chuckled and rubbed his elbow absently, his thumb pressing against the bandage on his hand.

“Sex. I brought you here for sex.”

“Ah I see. A dirty weekend.”

“No, sex in the lap of luxury. It’s a completely different scenario.”

Jared smirked at that and couldn’t deny that the setting was romantic and Christmassy. 

“So, that’s why you’ve been denying me for the last four days?” Jared found himself pinned gently against the wall with one of Jensen’s thick thighs wedged between his legs.

‘Partly yes, I just haven’t be able to get it up.’

“Partly, yes. I just wanted to save it all for the weekend.” The desire for Jared was still there but his body was losing its ability to respond and he prayed that during the weekend his medication would work alongside the sheer amount of alcohol he had been ingesting.

“Well, why don’t you have a nice shower while I go down and grab myself a massage and we’ll see what happens when I get back.” Jared purred and Jensen almost growled back in response.

“I think that sounds like a very good plan.”

Jared had been gone for hours, literally hours. Jensen was getting itchy feet but because Jared had been so excited about the prospect of indulging himself in the treatments available, Jensen decided not to go looking for him. By the end of the second hour, Jensen was stone cold drunk. He had wound himself up into thinking that Jared had disappeared downstairs to get away from him. That he only came because it was free and was probably down at the bar waiting to be hit on. He had become paranoid and delusional and there wasn’t an ounce of straight thinking Jensen left.  
He staggered around the room, clean from the shower Jared had insisted he should take. He mumbled to himself, citing reasons as why Jared had been gone so long. It was pathetic but he was too gone to even reason.

“C’mere an’ fuck off, gettin’ touched up by some bitch. Hands all over you an’ I’m here, selfish cunt.” Jensen leaned over the balcony, the glass he had been using when he first started his binge had been discarded in favor of the bottle of whiskey he had drunk half of. He leaned over further, yelling at couple sitting by the pool. “Y’seen my boyfriend? His a fuckin’ giant. ‘bout yea tall.” Jensen raised his free hand above his head. “Y’seen ‘im?” The couple ignored him and politely disappeared inside the hotel.

“Jen?” 

Jensen looked down and grinned when he saw Jared looking up him, his hair was slicked back over his head and was wrapped up in a fluffy white robe.

“Jay! There y’are. You been gone long time, baby.”

Jared sighed, looking up at Jensen and wondering just what the fuck was happening. In respect to the patrons of the spa, Jared smiled and waved. 

“Keep it down, love. I’ll come right up.”

“I-I’ll wait for you, darlin’.” Jensen slurred and staggered off back into the room. He reached out ahead of him, his vision suddenly blurring. His gut started to burn and he fell to his knees, dragging himself the short distance to the bathroom.

Jared felt sick as he walked back inside and up to their room. He felt a billion different emotions wash over him as he slipped his key card into the reader. He was silent as he stepped into the room and there was no sign of Jensen until he heard a retching sound coming from the bathroom.  
Jared rushed through, almost sliding on his knees as he laid over Jensen’s back. He was curled up on the floor, coughing up a mixture of breakfast, whiskey and blood. Jared laid Jensen on his side as he started to choke, his face draining of color, his lips slowly turning purple. 

“Come on, darlin’. Take it easy.” Jared was calm, it wasn’t even a case of facade, he just felt stupidly calm and in complete control. He gently pinned Jensen against the floor to keep him on his side and pushed his free hand into Jensen’s pants pocket, taking his phone out and dialing 911. As Jared phoned in their location and Jensen’s symptoms, Jensen’s lost consciousness. Jared pushed his finger into Jensen’s mouth and cleared his airway of vomit and rolled him onto his back, going straight into CPR.

Jared went through the motions like he was trying to revive a stranger on the job. He was like a machine until however, Jensen become completely unresponsive and Jared felt his entire world crumble. He laid his ear against Jensen’s chest and listened carefully.

Nothing.

Jared inhaled deeply and started up another cycle of CPR which was so forceful, the wound on his hand had begun to bleed through the bandage and over Jensen’s chest. He pulled back and glanced down at Jensen before laying his head on his chest. 

Nothing.

Jared wasn’t about to start believing what had just happened in front of him. He gave Jensen a little nudge with his hand.

“Stop it, Jenny.” Jared whispered. “Wake up, Jenny.”

Jared sat slumped against the toilet, his mouth open and his face now streaked with tears. He didn’t even blink as the bathroom was suddenly swarming with paramedics and what looked like the hotel manager. It didn’t take much for the paramedic to deduce the outcome and glanced at Jared shaking her head.  
He already knew but that nod of conformation elicited the most heartbreaking, agonizing wail from Jared’s lips it startled the assembled company.

It had taken three paramedics and a shot of Valium to remove Jared from the bathroom, purely because he had become troublesome and wouldn’t leave Jensen’s body. He woke up in hospital six hours later, Jeff was sitting by his side, looking suitably pale.

“Hey JP.” Jeff said softly, sitting up and laying a hand on the bed. Jeff could see the thought process working out across Jared’s face and then as the realization hit, his face contorted and he sobbed.

Jeff could almost feel Jared’s pain and out of everything he had seen in his long career he had never felt so heartbroken for another living soul. He found it hard to keep it together.

“Take it easy, kid.” There were literally no words.

 

 

LIFE SUPPORT – SAM SMITH

 

I've been sleeping with the lights on  
Cause the darkness is surrounding you  
This is my world, this is my choice  
And you're the drug that gets me through

I've been waiting for an answer  
Because I built this bed for two  
I'm just hanging on your answer  
I built this bed for me and you


	21. Epilogue

It had been a year to the day that Jared had lost Jensen. It had been the alcohol that had got him, his secret eventually coming out in the most terrible way. Jared, from the moment he left hospital had shifted into auto-pilot. He worked and slept, ate, cleaned his apartment when it needed it. He worked out several days a week and ate with Jeff and Ruth on Wednesday’s.  
He rarely laughed and when he did, it was forced and he felt guilt. There was little joy, except perhaps for one small ray of sunshine.

Karen. Mason and Madison.

Every Sunday, at least when he was free, Jared would drive back to San Antonio and spend the day with the three of them. He had never considered a life with children in it, in any capacity, but when at Jensen’s funeral he reconnected with Karen, he suddenly found himself a surrogate uncle to Jensen’s nephew and niece. More than that, within months he had become ‘Uncle Jared’.

“Oof.” Jared chuckled as Mason ran at him, full pelt. 

“Pick me up, Uncle Jared.”

“Again?”

“Yes, Mom said you have to help me put the angel on the top of the Christmas tree.”

“Well, I think I can do that.” Jared grinned and lifted Mason onto his shoulder and carried him over to the Christmas tree. The angel was set neatly on the very top branch and Mason beamed.

“Good job. Looks perfect.” Jared hummed, moving to put Mason down. 

“Not yet, I like being up here, I can almost touch the ceiling.”

“You say that every time, kiddo.” Jared chuckled and poked Mason in the ribs with a long finger, eliciting giggles from the little boy.

“Wow. Tree looks great you two.” Karen smiled, walking through to the living room with a tray of egg nog. “Go brush your teeth, Mason, it’s time for bed.”

Mason wriggled from Jared’s arms and ran upstairs.

“He runs everywhere.” Jared observed with a chuckle, helping himself to a drink.

Karen just laughed it off, nodding in agreement. She watched Jared look up at the Christmas tree.

“How are you holding up?”

Jared always dreaded that question and generally felt compelled to lie, who wants to hear the truth? Karen.

“I don’t want to be here.”

“I know.”

“I miss him.”

“So do I.”

“There won’t be anyone else you know.”

“I know that too, Jared.”

“From that first moment, in that damn stupid car. I knew it. Gosh, and people think you have no clue about love when you’re young.” Jared chuckled weakly, sipping on his virgin egg nog. 

Karen nodded, before gasping softly.

“I completely forgot. I have something for you. Had it a long while actually, just never found the right time to give it to you.”

“Oh? What is it?”

“Give me a moment, and I’ll go find it.”

Jared pushed one hand into his pants pocket and walked over to the couch, moving coloring books and pens out of the way before he sat down. Karen returned a moment later and stood in front of him.

“I didn’t want to upset you but I know you’d want this.” Karen handed Jared a notebook “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

Jared bit his lip and nodded slowly. He looked down at the book and frowned slightly. He didn’t think Jensen had been the kind of boy or man to keep a diary. And he hadn’t really, it wasn’t meticulously dated, just notes scrawled between doodles of dicks and cars and random phone numbers. He flicked through the book, endeared by Jensen’s juvenile handwriting.  
It wasn’t until he neared the end of the book that he came across a long passage which had been written sideways. He turned the book and started to read.

‘I don’t really know what love is, but I think I love Jay. I feel weird when I’m near him, and not just in my dick. It’s not weird as in sucky, just good and like I don’t want to be away from him. I feel like I treat him bad sometimes, I don’t mean to, I just don’t know how to do love I guess. And now I’m writing my fucking feelings down like a girl. I just feel like he’s out of my league. He’s so brainy and cute and his parents have got a nice house. Chad told me to treat him mean to keep him keen, I don’t even know what that means but I don’t want to be mean to Jay. I just want to tell him I love him and that I won’t ever leave him. Ever.’

Jared stifled a sob and held the book against his chest to compose himself. If he could, he would have walked of the edge of the planet. Nothing in life would ever replace Jensen and in his mind, he didn’t want it to.

 

It was always going to be them.

 

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS – JASON MANNS/JENSEN ACKLES

Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
Let your heart be light  
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

**Author's Note:**

> Control comes from an original idea which I role played almost eight years ago. The story has shifted and changed since then but still has the essence of what I originally RP’d.  
> Alongside the story, I have put together a play list of music, assigning one song per chapter. The main theme of the fic is ‘Heaven’ by Bryan Adams. All songs can be found at the bottom of each chapter and of course, I have a link to the Spotify play list at the end of this note.  
> Control has taken its time in being published, due to life and several cases of severe writers block. But now it’s finally here, I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Feel free to leave kudos or comments if you think it worthy :)
> 
>  
> 
> [ControlPlaylist](https://open.spotify.com/user/11136990415/playlist/7qN0wRdP7KfyEsPXYfLrF3)


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